Life's Going Well, still miserable

[starsfirstlight]

I'm a uni student, about to turn 20. My life is pretty great. I have a loving boyfriend, great parents, caring friends... I live alone in my childhood home and have a job I enjoy that's more for fun money than anything else. I have excellent grades and I love what I'm studying and I'm going to law school and I did incredibly on the LSAT. I'm involved and motivated and friendly and from the outside I'm on an upwards trajectory but I'm so tired.

I feel like every day drags by and I'm not even 20 yet but I can't imagine doing all this for 60 more years. I have goals and dreams and it's weird because these are all the things I want most in the world, but I don't think getting them will change anything. This year, my goal was to get a 4.0 and prove something to myself. My second year was rough because I had a medical issue and I didn't realize/have corrective surgery until halfway through my second semester, so my grades suffered. I wanted to prove something to myself now that I was healthy, and finally medicated for my ADHD/depression.

And I did it. I finished with an A+ in every course this semester. The perfect 4.0. And I felt so proud of myself. But then I felt the gloom again, because, is this is? I did it, now what? I do it again for the next year and a half until I graduate? And then for another three years in law school? And then I work for the rest of my life?

Don't get me wrong, the studying and learning? I love it. I love knowledge and I even enjoy being assessed on it. But there's something about shuffling along this mortal coil that feels like a drag. I feel I've hit a wall and no matter where I go I'll never be satisfied with myself. I'm a perfectionist and it's something my therapist wants me to work on, but I don't know how to change. I know that I'm capable of great things in theory, but in practice I just can't sometimes. And even when I do, so what? I might be smart and academically strong but I'm not revolutionary. I'm never going to change the world so what's the point of hanging around and wasting everyone's time even more?

I also feel like I'm just a drag to be around. My boyfriend says he loves me and he acts like I'm a princess, and my friends say they love me, but I feel like everyone's lying, at least a little. No one is perfect and I get so angry at them sometimes that I think I hate them but I never say anything or take it out on them because I know I don't mean it. But if I'm capable of that, so are they, and they might actually mean it. People lie all the time. And I try to trust, I'm not paranoid in my interactions (usually) but my anxiety takes over and I always wonder if they're trashing me or cheating behind my back.

On top of that, I feel like a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, a horrible granddaughter. I'm so bad at checking in on people. My parents give me everything. They live abroad but send me money for food, let me live rent free in our house, let me drive the car, and pay for my gas.

They're even paying for my abroad program this spring. I'm going to Italy and I think that would be a decent place to CTB. Does anyone have knowledge on CTB in another country? Will they send my body back?

Does anyone else feel like this? My life is good but I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to my limits and I don't know if I can keep up my charade anymore. I feel a slip away from ruining everything and I can't handle it anymore. If I CTB it has to be a one and done thing. The worst thing would be to wake up having failed and ruined my body and my reputation.

 

[metfan647]

You know, there's a lot to pick apart on here so I hope you get replies from someone who can relate better to your individual circumstances.

I will say though that it's okay that you feel the way you do in spite of how well your life seems to be going. Depression, lost hope etc. is really quite indiscriminate when it looms.

These paranoid thoughts are worth exploring because it's a separate matter from the anxiety. Apart from what you already mentioned, how often do you have these thoughts and how do they manifest?

 

[starsfirstlight]

I will say though that it's okay that you feel the way you do in spite of how well your life seems to be going. Depression, lost hope etc. is really quite indiscriminate when it looms.

Thanks, that's appreciated. I've had my share of pain in my life, but it's going pretty good right now. Sometimes I just feel so selfish and useless for feeling like this rn. This is as good as it gets yet I'm still in misery.

These paranoid thoughts are worth exploring because it's a separate matter from the anxiety. Apart from what you already mentioned, how often do you have these thoughts and how do they manifest?

Usually lately it's abt my bf, but that's probably just bc i interact w him more than anyone else. I'll just believe that it's all over, we won't last, he's going to hurt me and break my heart. I just feel the doom.

It's similar w other people too, I just feel they're lying to uphold social standards and they don't actually like me.

And then the other half of the time I'll believe this is all ridiculous and I'm just being silly and these people are all amazing and I'm lucky to have them, they'll be in my life forever etc.

So hard to know how I really feel, to make decisions, to not feel crazy sometimes.