GoSan1
Misfit
- Nov 7, 2024
- 302
I always find my way back here, and I have no clue why. These posts I have created since im here just baffle me.
I realized that my life is just an irony. I always wanted to be some kind of hero, yet here I have just become a toxic, hateful, and backstabbing person. I always wished to find true love, yet here I havent even had a single be interested in me even in the slightest. I always said I didnt want to become like my father, yet I am turning into him and sometimes lashing out on my little brother. Used to pray and hope God would save me, but now I just cuss out god and lost all hope in religion.
I always thought about how it would feel to be special and save someone. Now I didn't save anyone, but help someone end their own lives. And worst part, theres no emotion in me. I couldnt even ask the person why they wanted to do it or if I could help in any way. Pathetic. I'm just useless. I hope they at least found what they were always wishing for.
I don't even know if I'm suicidal anymore or if I've just given it up after seeing how my mother reacted when I told her I wanted to end my life. I just go through my day, and go to bed. Repeat. I hate it, yet I don't feel any hate. As if I'm not even allowed to do that. I have at least a few years ahead of me before I can do it without any doubts.
Maybe another irony? Someone who wants to kill himself cannot do it.
Poor young me. He really hoped for it all to change and to get better.
It never did.
It never will.
I stopped thinking that there could be an afterlife or something where it all could stop, but I don't think I would be able to fit even there.
Either way, for anyone who actually read this and feels lonely, a song that might help.
Since hopes, wishes, and prayers don't seem to work, all I can say is good luck to all of you.
I realized that my life is just an irony. I always wanted to be some kind of hero, yet here I have just become a toxic, hateful, and backstabbing person. I always wished to find true love, yet here I havent even had a single be interested in me even in the slightest. I always said I didnt want to become like my father, yet I am turning into him and sometimes lashing out on my little brother. Used to pray and hope God would save me, but now I just cuss out god and lost all hope in religion.
I always thought about how it would feel to be special and save someone. Now I didn't save anyone, but help someone end their own lives. And worst part, theres no emotion in me. I couldnt even ask the person why they wanted to do it or if I could help in any way. Pathetic. I'm just useless. I hope they at least found what they were always wishing for.
I don't even know if I'm suicidal anymore or if I've just given it up after seeing how my mother reacted when I told her I wanted to end my life. I just go through my day, and go to bed. Repeat. I hate it, yet I don't feel any hate. As if I'm not even allowed to do that. I have at least a few years ahead of me before I can do it without any doubts.
Maybe another irony? Someone who wants to kill himself cannot do it.
Poor young me. He really hoped for it all to change and to get better.
It never did.
It never will.
I stopped thinking that there could be an afterlife or something where it all could stop, but I don't think I would be able to fit even there.
Either way, for anyone who actually read this and feels lonely, a song that might help.
Since hopes, wishes, and prayers don't seem to work, all I can say is good luck to all of you.
