Life got hands

[bus catcher]

I apologize if this is somewhat disorganized. I have no idea if I talked about this before, as I don't want to look back at my posts, but I have attempted suicide multiple times, with my most recent attempt occurring in either October or November of 2024. My memory is quite poor. Somehow, I was one of the lucky ones who got an amazing visit to an exceptional university psych ward, unlike some people in my life who have been traumatized by other, lesser psych wards. However, a considerable amount of time has passed, and I find myself with only bad news. I regressed so much it's unbelievable. I have no will or desire to improve, much less the desire to do anything I even find interesting anymore. I only want to disappear and cease to think. It's an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, but I have zero means to take my own life because of my family. And I can't bring myself to inflict further pain on them anymore. I only wish they would stop loving me unconditionally so I could bring myself to run away and starve to death, since I lack any care for whatever pain death may give me, as life has given me worse. Nevertheless, it is New Year's once more, and I intend to make another attempt at seeking a better life. This time, I plan to create a channel to document my daily progress and projects. I have four primary objectives: establishing physical and personal discipline, artistically and visually documenting my journey, engaging in linguistic and cognitive learning, and expressing my creativity through music, writing, and drawing. I have tried many times to create social bonds, but it is a Sisyphean task that I just cannot bring myself to do. I am just that bad at social interaction, even through a screen. I talked with several people on this form, but because of me, the conversations always died out, and I only have myself to blame. That is the one thing I am unsure about trying again. I feel making a YouTube channel will force me to follow my goals and potentially even get me to make friends. I do not want to be famous or make money, but I just want social interaction, even though I struggle so badly and am just so unsure about whether I'm even built for it. Let me know what you think. I will do my best to reply to everyone.

 

[maylurker]

thats amazing to hear. you definitely should try that out and see how it goes!

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Sounds similar to what I plan on doing next year, minus making a youtube channel to keep myself accountable. I was also getting better early last year but then things got worse until I got to where I am now. Developing more discipline, pursuing creative endavors, and making social connections were my previous year's resolutions, but after completely failing to make social connections and giving up on that, I got really depressed and sidetracked on everything else. This year I've given up on making social connections, but I still want to try my other resolutions again. Here's to hoping you can try your resolutions and be more successful this year.