Venting Letting people down

[Idontmatter]

I'm hoping to ctb in September. I have most of what I need. The hardest part of this right now is getting over the feeling that I'm letting everyone down. I've fought depression and anxiety for years and it's finally one. I shouldn't worry about this but I am. I don't want to die thinking people will hate me. I feel horrible tonight. I tried to keep busy to avoid this but now I'm in for the night and my mind is racing and now I've got tears in my eyes. I hate sounding dramatic (if you know me I avoid attention at all costs) but this just keeps bugging me. This whole situation sucks. I'm anxious now to do it so that everyone can mourn and move on.

 

[outrider567]

I'm hoping to ctb in September. I have most of what I need. The hardest part of this right now is getting over the feeling that I'm letting everyone down. I've fought depression and anxiety for years and it's finally one. I shouldn't worry about this but I am. I don't want to die thinking people will hate me. I feel horrible tonight. I tried to keep busy to avoid this but now I'm in for the night and my mind is racing and now I've got tears in my eyes. I hate sounding dramatic (if you know me I avoid attention at all costs) but this just keeps bugging me. This whole situation sucks. I'm anxious now to do it so that everyone can mourn and move on.

I don't care myself about 'letting anyone down', after all, what's left of my life and my decision on how long I'll be around is my own curse and my own relief

 

[swab]

How I personally try to come to terms with it is by making it the last time I let them down (aka dying) instead of many more if I were to still continue living. Atleast that makes me a bit calmer about it then I should be. Compare it I guess to the final month of drought before the rain comes back. This is just what I thought might help. It might not work for you but I do hope you find ways that can bring a bit of calm to you right now.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

You're not letting anyone down.
People will not hate you.
They may be angry because they're hurt.
And they're hurt because they care about you.
The fact that you're worrying about it shows you care about them too ❤

 

[Idontmatter]

How I personally try to come to terms with it is by making it the last time I let them down (aka dying) instead of many more if I were to still continue living. Atleast that makes me a bit calmer about it then I should be. Compare it I guess to the final month of drought before the rain comes back. This is just what I thought might help. It might not work for you but I do hope you find ways that can bring a bit of calm to you right now.

Thank you. I'll take any advice.

You're not letting anyone down.
People will not hate you.
They may be angry because they're hurt.
And they're hurt because they care about you.
The fact that you're worrying about it shows you care about them too ❤

I care about my husband definitely. I've yelled at him and treated him sometimes badly because of my mood swings so I'm happy he can hopefully find someone who will treat him better.

 

[swab]

Thank you. I'll take any advice.

Hope you may find peace in any path you take, whether you'll actually do it or not. I wish you well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much and have to deal with these thoughts. It must be really hard. It does feel as though there is no relief from misery in this life. Best wishes.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

I care about my husband definitely. I've yelled at him and treated him sometimes badly because of my mood swings so I'm happy he can hopefully find someone who will treat him better.

I struggle with this myself, and have thought the same thing you have.
I'm only mentioning this so you know you're not alone.

It sounds like even when you consider suicide, you are thinking of him and his well-being.
This is incredibly noble of you.
In a selfish world, you stand apart.

When I asked my significant other why they haven't broken things off... and told them they could have anyone else, someone who is well...
They responded: "It's because I love you and who you are."

Maybe yours feels the same.
Despite how all-consuming mental illness feels, it's not who you are. The people who care most about us see past this even when we can't.

 

[Idontmatter]

I struggle with this myself, and have thought the same thing you have.
I'm only mentioning this so you know you're not alone.

It sounds like even when you consider suicide, you are thinking of him and his well-being.
This is incredibly noble of you.
In a selfish world, you stand apart.

When I asked my significant other why they haven't broken things off... and told them they could have anyone else, someone who is well...
They responded: "It's because I love you and who you are."

Maybe yours feels the same.
Despite how all-consuming mental illness feels, it's not who you are. The people who care most about us see past this even when we can't.

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone.