boxofdollpartz
Member
- Sep 1, 2025
- 9
i cannot imagine how i could get more pathetic as a human being. i am a high school drop out in my early twenties with no GED, no drivers license. i spent my teenage years in hospitals, or locked in my room on the internet instead of socializing, because i was so bad at navigating social settings and cues and would feel embarrassment so hard it was physically painful whenever i perceived rejection from my peers.
i am a notorious chronic job hopper, and i lost my long term (in personal terms) management position earlier this year; it took me a while to find another job because of the state the job market and economy is in - and a month into working that one (and loving it - i was so excited about it. it was so good for me.), the entire location gets shut down due to a raise in rent on the building. i am again left to job search frantically.
im an addict, but in the most pathetic way i think i could possibly be (im too broke for real drugs and too socially inept for finding a plug) - i could walk into a walgreens and walk out with several different ways to get incoherently high and none of them are a good idea. my drug of choice that im in counselling for? dxm, robitussin, triple cs. the shit 15 year olds do. killing all my braincells for highs that occasionally induce psychosis and are always at least a little bit horrifying. i spent a year and a half not being able to go longer than a week without it before i began trying to get sober about a month and a half ago.
and the worst part is getting high doesnt even feel good anymore. the last escape i had was blacking out on various substances. i loved the fuzzy feeling it gave me, like the universe became a warm blanket wrapped around me. now i can never get high enough, im too stuck trying to feel more to enjoy feeling it at all, and i get frustrated that it doesnt numb it all the way it used to.
ive recently traded drugging myself to get high for drugging myself to sleep; i have delusions about / a psychotic attachment to the "universe" i travel to when i go to sleep, as i consistently lucid dream of the same setting on a nightly basis, with the same reoccuring cast of "people". its genuinely like i travel to another planet. there is a lot that i hate about it there, in that reality. but also a lot that i ache for when i wake up, and i have a hard time coping with or accepting the fact that its not real, that none of my "imaginary" friends there are real, that the versions of people i know irl that exist there are not real. i have a hard time separating the two realities i live in. it causes a lot of stress for me, and its also something i feel like a lot of people dont understand, and i dont have much of an outlet for it. whenever i get sick of being "sober", i just drug myself and go to sleep, go to my other world, where i could do as many drugs as id like, as many self destructive things as id like.
i think im finally ready to lay down, my partner is asleep next to me and has been for hours, which is a really depressing thing for me to think about as i sit on this site lol. hi if youre still reading this. take care of yourself if you can.
i am a notorious chronic job hopper, and i lost my long term (in personal terms) management position earlier this year; it took me a while to find another job because of the state the job market and economy is in - and a month into working that one (and loving it - i was so excited about it. it was so good for me.), the entire location gets shut down due to a raise in rent on the building. i am again left to job search frantically.
im an addict, but in the most pathetic way i think i could possibly be (im too broke for real drugs and too socially inept for finding a plug) - i could walk into a walgreens and walk out with several different ways to get incoherently high and none of them are a good idea. my drug of choice that im in counselling for? dxm, robitussin, triple cs. the shit 15 year olds do. killing all my braincells for highs that occasionally induce psychosis and are always at least a little bit horrifying. i spent a year and a half not being able to go longer than a week without it before i began trying to get sober about a month and a half ago.
and the worst part is getting high doesnt even feel good anymore. the last escape i had was blacking out on various substances. i loved the fuzzy feeling it gave me, like the universe became a warm blanket wrapped around me. now i can never get high enough, im too stuck trying to feel more to enjoy feeling it at all, and i get frustrated that it doesnt numb it all the way it used to.
ive recently traded drugging myself to get high for drugging myself to sleep; i have delusions about / a psychotic attachment to the "universe" i travel to when i go to sleep, as i consistently lucid dream of the same setting on a nightly basis, with the same reoccuring cast of "people". its genuinely like i travel to another planet. there is a lot that i hate about it there, in that reality. but also a lot that i ache for when i wake up, and i have a hard time coping with or accepting the fact that its not real, that none of my "imaginary" friends there are real, that the versions of people i know irl that exist there are not real. i have a hard time separating the two realities i live in. it causes a lot of stress for me, and its also something i feel like a lot of people dont understand, and i dont have much of an outlet for it. whenever i get sick of being "sober", i just drug myself and go to sleep, go to my other world, where i could do as many drugs as id like, as many self destructive things as id like.
i think im finally ready to lay down, my partner is asleep next to me and has been for hours, which is a really depressing thing for me to think about as i sit on this site lol. hi if youre still reading this. take care of yourself if you can.
