helplesship
helpfriendshipdrainfiasco
- May 13, 2025
- 57
why does it have to be me? why am i always so unlucky? why was i born into this world? why...?
i really have nothing to lose, but when it comes to ending my own life i'm still scared. i don't know why, i'm just scared. i'm not at the stage where i'd feel relief and accept that everything's going to be like this, that, like, everything will end up by my own hand. i'm tired of just surviving, even though people around me don't want me to exist. everything's nothing but hate. i'm jealous of people, not because of their money or whatever, but because of the way they live their lives. there are introverts who truly don't care about others, only handle what they need to, enjoy being themselves, go here and there alone without thinking about anything that has to be done with other people. there are people who have many friends, especially those on the same wavelength... it feels like a dream to have someone you can talk to. this loneliness is really driving me crazy, i just become a burden every time i show up in front of people. and i think i've been given the green light now, by someone, my parents... they often say they wish they could just leave me. actually this isn't the first time; the first time they said something like that, they said they regretted not aborting me. i can't bring myself to say anything; since then my will to live hasn't been good, it feels like everything is pointless if even i shouldn't be here, so now... why am i here? ah, fuck it
what is this? ... actually before this i also wanted to change, wanted to be better, but if you put aside the fact my parents wished they had aborted me, i failed at everything in this world. i'm left behind, no talent and no courage for this and that, i'm really a failed product who should be destroyed from the start. they were really wrong to let me be born like this into the world
days keep being like this, yes it's also my fault for not wanting to move to change. i don't want to move because i don't know, scared? lazy? maybe whatever i want, stupid. i'm scared about what i'll be like after i graduate college, even graduating school scares me. you're scared to go through all that but when you graduate you're still scared. i'm afraid of myself in the days to come, i can't make this change, i can't even promise myself. i'm afraid people will be annoyed or bored of me even though i rarely talk to people. everything's all wrong, damn, while i'm here or while i'm like this everything is wrong. damn
i can't lie to myself anymore, i can't break promises to myself anymore. anyway there's this one thing i have to do because it's the only thing i might be able to do, because i accept i'm a stupid person who can't do anything. why didn't you do that a long time ago? you're still scared, right, until now? are you happy? are you motivated? what's wrong with you? why didn't you do it, why? what are you holding back? you have nothing, idiot, just go. that's all you can do
you say i can do it, but should i? of course you should, dumbass, you don't like living like this either, do you? do you want to stay like this forever? be a burden? stupid. and you can't move on from anything either. people have started to forget or maybe they already fully forgot but you're still here waiting for everything to be like before, that's impossible idiot. you make no effort, and what's the point if you did? so move on, idiot, act. if not, then do it, why won't you do it? what are you holding back? no one will regret you doing this, including yourself. just do it, stop lying to yourself and breaking your promises. there's only one thing you have to do, really, why is it so hard? there's no hope left, nothing will come if you keep waiting even if you try, nothing will come. sure, you're not the only one who's like this, but does thinking like that produce anything better? even you being one of those people is already stupid. do you think many people like that make it? sure there are many, but not as many as the people who don't get exposed if they don't make it. maybe you'll be one of them. is that okay?
i really have nothing to lose, but when it comes to ending my own life i'm still scared. i don't know why, i'm just scared. i'm not at the stage where i'd feel relief and accept that everything's going to be like this, that, like, everything will end up by my own hand. i'm tired of just surviving, even though people around me don't want me to exist. everything's nothing but hate. i'm jealous of people, not because of their money or whatever, but because of the way they live their lives. there are introverts who truly don't care about others, only handle what they need to, enjoy being themselves, go here and there alone without thinking about anything that has to be done with other people. there are people who have many friends, especially those on the same wavelength... it feels like a dream to have someone you can talk to. this loneliness is really driving me crazy, i just become a burden every time i show up in front of people. and i think i've been given the green light now, by someone, my parents... they often say they wish they could just leave me. actually this isn't the first time; the first time they said something like that, they said they regretted not aborting me. i can't bring myself to say anything; since then my will to live hasn't been good, it feels like everything is pointless if even i shouldn't be here, so now... why am i here? ah, fuck it
what is this? ... actually before this i also wanted to change, wanted to be better, but if you put aside the fact my parents wished they had aborted me, i failed at everything in this world. i'm left behind, no talent and no courage for this and that, i'm really a failed product who should be destroyed from the start. they were really wrong to let me be born like this into the world
days keep being like this, yes it's also my fault for not wanting to move to change. i don't want to move because i don't know, scared? lazy? maybe whatever i want, stupid. i'm scared about what i'll be like after i graduate college, even graduating school scares me. you're scared to go through all that but when you graduate you're still scared. i'm afraid of myself in the days to come, i can't make this change, i can't even promise myself. i'm afraid people will be annoyed or bored of me even though i rarely talk to people. everything's all wrong, damn, while i'm here or while i'm like this everything is wrong. damn
i can't lie to myself anymore, i can't break promises to myself anymore. anyway there's this one thing i have to do because it's the only thing i might be able to do, because i accept i'm a stupid person who can't do anything. why didn't you do that a long time ago? you're still scared, right, until now? are you happy? are you motivated? what's wrong with you? why didn't you do it, why? what are you holding back? you have nothing, idiot, just go. that's all you can do
you say i can do it, but should i? of course you should, dumbass, you don't like living like this either, do you? do you want to stay like this forever? be a burden? stupid. and you can't move on from anything either. people have started to forget or maybe they already fully forgot but you're still here waiting for everything to be like before, that's impossible idiot. you make no effort, and what's the point if you did? so move on, idiot, act. if not, then do it, why won't you do it? what are you holding back? no one will regret you doing this, including yourself. just do it, stop lying to yourself and breaking your promises. there's only one thing you have to do, really, why is it so hard? there's no hope left, nothing will come if you keep waiting even if you try, nothing will come. sure, you're not the only one who's like this, but does thinking like that produce anything better? even you being one of those people is already stupid. do you think many people like that make it? sure there are many, but not as many as the people who don't get exposed if they don't make it. maybe you'll be one of them. is that okay?
