Kind of discouraged...I can't do another 20 years here.

[Gamelle]

This is going to sound so bleak, but I told myself I was staying alive for my mom. I ran some numbers, and based on family history and statics my mom living to 95 has pretty decent odds. I can't do another 20 years on this earth. I feel bad about leaving her to deal with the pain of my suicide, but why should I suffer two more decades to keep this woman happy? That's a long fucking time. I try to convince myself that the time will fly by, but I don't think that's the case. I mean if she goes into the nursing home is that the worse thing in the world? It's not my fault she chose to only have one child. It's not my fault she didn't build a strong social support network such that she only depends on me. I had to pay for so many of her stupid decisions during my childhood. Now I have to pay for them during my adulthood too?

Sometimes I just wish I could reach up and tear the universe apart for how unfair and cruel I feel it's been to me. This is just awful. Just awful!

 

[Anonymousa]

You don't at all have to live for her. Its unfair for you to have to suffer so she doesn't suffer especially as she was a part of why you were forced into this world so it absolutely fair for you to leave her. She sounds selfish to me with what decision you had with from her from childhood to now so I won't feel any regret for ctbing. She is the one obligated to take care of you correctly as she is your parent, not you as the child.

 

[bankai]

I think you've done enough.Time to prioritize yourself.

 

[Gamelle]

I feel like I could have a more peaceful suicide too if I didn't have to worry about leaving her behind. That's another thing that he holds me back. But I told myself I probably only had another 10 or so years left. But TWENTY YEARS?? TWENTY? I'D HAVE TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL MY 50s???? I can't even fathom of it. That's....that's hell beyond my comprehension.

 

[FuneralCry]

The thought of suffering trapped in this existence for more decades is unbearable to me as well, I'd never wish for any of that rather I only hope to not exist, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I feel like I could have a more peaceful suicide too if I didn't have to worry about leaving her behind. That's another thing that he holds me back. But I told myself I probably only had another 10 or so years left. But TWENTY YEARS?? TWENTY? I'D HAVE TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL MY 50s???? I can't even fathom of it. That's....that's hell beyond my comprehension.

What makes you want to ctb? Is it mainly your mom?

 

[Gamelle]

The thought of suffering trapped in this existence for more decades is unbearable to me as well, I'd never wish for any of that rather I only hope to not exist, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you and same to you. I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on.

What makes you want to ctb? Is it mainly your mom?

Traumatic childhood and generally unhappy with the inevitable direction of my life. There is no "getting better" because I can't rewrite my past if that makes sense. I'd rather not exist than life with it which is what therapists/psychologists etc can't seem to grasp.

Some people don't want to "heal" or "Fight" or "manage" it when we can just not exist at all.

 

[badatparties]

I'm so glad i don't have kids. It's the one great thing i did on this damn planet.

They don't have to have an existential crisis, get bullied, deal with a commute, deal with people who hate them because of their gender, race, religion, or political beliefs, become suicidal/depressed, etc.

I hope they're chilling in the void or in a blissful existence somewhere.

Again no offense whatsoever to any parents on sasu. No judgement at all. I don't think you're evil for having children.

 

[Gamelle]

I'm so glad i don't have kids. It's the one great thing i did on this damn planet.

They don't have to have an existential crisis, get bullied, deal with a commute, deal with people who hate them because of their gender, race, religion, or political beliefs, become suicidal/depressed, etc.

I hope they're chilling in the void or in a blissful existence somewhere.

Same here. My one consolation is that when I do go I leave nobody behind to suffer.