Venting Kimlett's vents

[Kimlett]

I'll try to make my own thread to write when I feel like it, like some others around here. Comments and reactions are welcomed and appreciated.

The last three days I've been so so close to giving up and starting to plan ctb. I've felt that weird sensation that I've felt a couple times before, the feeling that I'm really going to die, that there's no other option, that I'm having a meal with my friends for the last time. It's hopeful and unsettling at the same time. I'm losing hope in the future, and I'm sure I want to die. But I can't stand the idea of hurting my family and my partner.

So here I am, watching suicide related videos on youtube while I try to pathetically cling to life and keep trying to believe that there is a small chance of being able to put together a life I don't hate. My main issues are work and my body. I tried to vomit dinner tonight but I just couldn't. I wish I could ctb so I can smoke weed and binge eat non-stop on my last days. And work... I can't stand office work. I can't stand 9 to 5. I'm studying to become a dietitian but I'm not sure about that anymore, because it will probably imply being self-employed and that may be something I can't bear. I'm studying for the exams as good as I can, but it might not be enough to pass.

So, my solution: for the moment, I'll just try and finish my studies with modest grades, and if I fail, I'll just drop it. If I pass, I'll see where I can work being employed. In the meantime I'll keep sending cvs and trying to find a chill part-time job that I can bear (I'm on sick leave from my current job), although I've been looking for months with no results. If there's no other option and I have to go back to my shitty boring soul-sucking office job, I'll try to hang in there for some months and I'll quit. I may have to go back to my parents and lose my tiny apartment, my only achievement in life, my sanctuary, the only place where I feel safe from this world. I may go volunteer somewhere or be homeless or whatever the fuck. I'm running out of options. I really want to be dead. Maybe I should just ctb despite the pain I'll leave behind. I don't know.

 

[Kimlett]

Forgot to say that yesterday I called a suicide hotline. I've called several times and the experience has been good in general, but yesterday it was terrible. I mentioned that I've been through some therapists without much results, and she assumed that I was just not doing my part and that's why therapy didn't work. Suuure. I said that I have not much faith in therapy, and she said "We are therapists, why are you calling us then?" Wtf. Because I'm asking for help, that's what you always tell suicidal people to do, that's what everyone repeats like parrots. Because I'm desperate and in pain. Then she insisted that I should treat my ed through the almighty therapy (already tried) and I just said "ok". Don't think I'm calling again.

 

[Dejected 55]

I never tried calling a suicide hotline, but I have used the chat. It was less than useless. They appear to use a cookie cutter approach and a script and will ask you questions that you had just answered as if they don't read what you write and only go to the next step in their script. If I had been actually suicidal in the moment I contacted them, I would have been pushed over the edge by that experience I think.

 

[Kimlett]

Today I feel more suicidal than ever. I don't know who to talk to. I wrote a suicide note (again). I want to order sn and gather all that is needed. I think binge eating is the only thing that could save me right now. I desperately want to feel full. But I desperately want to be skinny. If I wasn't a fat kid everything would have been different. Life is shit anyways, but... Yesterday I watched in chaturbate a 19yo stunningly beautiful twink that is probably making a lot of money. Beauty and wealth, that is everything. I will never be like that and I can't stand it. My inner dictator will never accept that I need food to fill the painful eternal void in my soul. I hate life so much. I don't know wtf I'm still doing here.
Maybe I should stop trying to lose weight because it's making me extremely unhappy. Maybe I should just accept my fate and just watch twinks porn to fantasize being one of them.

 

[Kimlett]

I've been looking for a new job for months and there's just no point. Zero results. I guess I'm overqualified to work in a supermarket or as a janitor? I just want a chill job. I need it for my mental health. Obviously I'll keep suffering, because the world is horrible and my mind is horrible. I'm terrified I'm only 31. There's too much suffering ahead.

Maybe I should just quit and go back to my parents' until they die, I mean, they would prefer that rather that me killing myself. A lot of people of all ages commit suicide, why is it such a big deal? Why is the grieving specially hard? Is it because of the fucking stigma? Wtf is this life...

 

[Kimlett]

I wish I was skinny... I just want to feel pretty. I want to put on a sexy short t-shirt showing the belly button and looking myself at the mirror and think "you're so cute!" but I can't do that because I'd just look like a fat pig. I wish I enjoyed more the years when I was thin in my 20s, but I had no aware of how thin I was, I still felt fat. My chance of feeling pretty is fading, I'm 31, and I think I'm starting to lose hair (due to stress and depression probably). So sad. Maybe I should stop trying and accept that I'm gonna be fat for the rest of my life, and find consolation watching my old pictures. Thin people have no idea of how hard and painful this is.

 

[Dejected 55]

I wish I was skinny... I just want to feel pretty. I want to put on a sexy short t-shirt showing the belly button and looking myself at the mirror and think "you're so cute!" but I can't do that because I'd just look like a fat pig. I wish I enjoyed more the years when I was thin in my 20s, but I had no aware of how thin I was, I still felt fat. My chance of feeling pretty is fading, I'm 31, and I think I'm starting to lose hair (due to stress and depression probably). So sad. Maybe I should stop trying and accept that I'm gonna be fat for the rest of my life, and find consolation watching my old pictures. Thin people have no idea of how hard and painful this is.

I'm overweight now... and I was in my youth... but when I was in my early 30s I was in the best shape of my life. I'm a man, and I know things are sometimes different for men... but I'm 6' and I was a muscular 180lbs in my early 30s and women didn't look once at me, much less twice. It didn't matter. Nobody wanted me then and I wasn't treated any better then than I have been as an overweight, and now older man.

Flip side... the absolute love of my life is 40 and absolutely gorgeous. She ignores me and I'm going to die knowing I finally met "the one" and she wouldn't have anything to do with me. I keep reading all the "women are done after 30" nonsense and it makes me ill. I have seen gorgeous 50 and 60 year old women that if I weren't already in love I would happily have been interested in myself.

Women keep being told that their value goes down with age, and I hate hearing that. The only semi-truth buried in there is that if you want to have children of your own, then yes there is a clock on that... healthier to have kids when you are younger, but still possible in the 40s. But at some point, you will cross a line where a man much older than you could still father a child that you can't have.

Outside of that... and if children aren't in your plan... age is just a number, and if you decide you want to get in shape for yourself then you have more than enough really good years to enjoy yourself if you want. I didn't start feeling age being a limiting factor to me until very recently at 55... like, if I get in shape now I still can't do some things I could do in my youth... but most of that is things I don't want to do anyway.

Long story short, if you want to lose weight... do it for you. Don't do it for a man (or a woman if that's your way). Do it for you. I have lost weight for others and it never made a difference. I have lost weight for myself and I felt good about it, but it still didn't make me happy and so I've let myself drift over the years.

 

[Kimlett]

I'm overweight now... and I was in my youth... but when I was in my early 30s I was in the best shape of my life. I'm a man, and I know things are sometimes different for men... but I'm 6' and I was a muscular 180lbs in my early 30s and women didn't look once at me, much less twice. It didn't matter. Nobody wanted me then and I wasn't treated any better then than I have been as an overweight, and now older man.

Flip side... the absolute love of my life is 40 and absolutely gorgeous. She ignores me and I'm going to die knowing I finally met "the one" and she wouldn't have anything to do with me. I keep reading all the "women are done after 30" nonsense and it makes me ill. I have seen gorgeous 50 and 60 year old women that if I weren't already in love I would happily have been interested in myself.

Women keep being told that their value goes down with age, and I hate hearing that. The only semi-truth buried in there is that if you want to have children of your own, then yes there is a clock on that... healthier to have kids when you are younger, but still possible in the 40s. But at some point, you will cross a line where a man much older than you could still father a child that you can't have.

Outside of that... and if children aren't in your plan... age is just a number, and if you decide you want to get in shape for yourself then you have more than enough really good years to enjoy yourself if you want. I didn't start feeling age being a limiting factor to me until very recently at 55... like, if I get in shape now I still can't do some things I could do in my youth... but most of that is things I don't want to do anyway.

Long story short, if you want to lose weight... do it for you. Don't do it for a man (or a woman if that's your way). Do it for you. I have lost weight for others and it never made a difference. I have lost weight for myself and I felt good about it, but it still didn't make me happy and so I've let myself drift over the years.

I think you assumed that I'm a woman, but I'm a gay man hehe no worries. Thanks for your comment. Anyway I absolutely don't want kids ever, so that's not an issue. Losing weight probably won't make me happy either, but maybe it won't be so painful to see thin attractive guys in the street.

 

[Dejected 55]

I think you assumed that I'm a woman, but I'm a gay man hehe no worries. Thanks for your comment. Anyway I absolutely don't want kids ever, so that's not an issue. Losing weight probably won't make me happy either, but maybe it won't be so painful to see thin attractive guys in the street.

I don't think I assumed either way... I think I was fumbling through trying to write a post kind of about how I feel but keep it general enough so it could apply to straight/gay/men/women alike.

 

[Kimlett]

Fuck, I'm so sick of everything, I'm sick of being fat, I'm sick of never feeling satisfied, I'm sick of my brain, I'm sick of sex, I'm sick of not being able to just smoke weed and eat a ton of food, I'm sick of the routine, I'm sick of my friends, I'm sick of looking for a job, I'm sick of this ridiculous world, I'm sick of the routine, I'm sick of being terrified by the future. Fuck this disgusting life.

 

[Kimlett]

I feel tempted to stop trying to lose weight and try to accept my body. But how can anybody do that when in theory you can change it if you keep trying?

But there's something worse. What if I manage to lose all the weight and still feel miserable? I'm empty and my life has no meaning whatsoever, but all I can think about is that if I were skinny I could wear clothes I like and feel pretty. I mean, I'm at the edge of suicide and I don't give a fuck about anything, so I'm trying to cling to the only think that makes me feel hopeful, even if it's frivolous and stupid. Is that a bad thing? Should I keep looking for that miraculous epiphany that will finally give meaning to my life and my suffering?

What the hell is this life