schoolgirlbyosamu
"you only need to turn over your wrists"
- Feb 24, 2026
- 4
I don't want a future. nothing sounds more dreadful.
For years and years now, I've been self sabotaging in the hopes that if I push myself far enough into a hole, both I and everyone else will know I have no choice but to ctb. It's the only want I've ever had. I started planning to ctb when I was 10, wanting to tie a noose and then jump off the deck of my home in hopes of snapping my neck. I thought that plan up all by myself as a child. Now I just want SN, if I can ever find it.
I don't see why I should be kind to my future self, what's the point? Part of my self sabotage is my depression, I admit, but a lot of it is suicidality. I will spend all my money, I will purposefully not pay my dorm fees in hopes they kick me out, I meticulously ruin every part of my life until the only way out is to die. I've always wanted to die, I just want to shed myself of everything. I don't even need the motivation really, I could ctb right now if I had the resources.
This is just what my mind does. I see no future. Everything ahead of me is blank. I can't fathom anything past this moment. It's all just constant suffering, and I'm so tired of managing my mental illness. I never asked to suffer, I didn't ask for life. I don't want to stay here, and I'm tired of people pulling me down here, to life.
the only thing I can't seem to shake is my friends. Loneliness doesn't sit well with me. Selfish, I know. But it's so awful to be lonely. So terribly sad.
I suppose my question is, do you do this too? Kill yourself slowly? If so, what is the worst thing you've done to yourself to push towards the ctb goal? What's been the final straw?
For years and years now, I've been self sabotaging in the hopes that if I push myself far enough into a hole, both I and everyone else will know I have no choice but to ctb. It's the only want I've ever had. I started planning to ctb when I was 10, wanting to tie a noose and then jump off the deck of my home in hopes of snapping my neck. I thought that plan up all by myself as a child. Now I just want SN, if I can ever find it.
I don't see why I should be kind to my future self, what's the point? Part of my self sabotage is my depression, I admit, but a lot of it is suicidality. I will spend all my money, I will purposefully not pay my dorm fees in hopes they kick me out, I meticulously ruin every part of my life until the only way out is to die. I've always wanted to die, I just want to shed myself of everything. I don't even need the motivation really, I could ctb right now if I had the resources.
This is just what my mind does. I see no future. Everything ahead of me is blank. I can't fathom anything past this moment. It's all just constant suffering, and I'm so tired of managing my mental illness. I never asked to suffer, I didn't ask for life. I don't want to stay here, and I'm tired of people pulling me down here, to life.
the only thing I can't seem to shake is my friends. Loneliness doesn't sit well with me. Selfish, I know. But it's so awful to be lonely. So terribly sad.
I suppose my question is, do you do this too? Kill yourself slowly? If so, what is the worst thing you've done to yourself to push towards the ctb goal? What's been the final straw?
