PixelAngel
The Great Glowing Exit Sign
- Sep 1, 2025
- 5
What a life.
I'm 36, autistic, CPTSD, BPD, severe anxiety, and agoraphobic on top of those.
I don't even know what to say about any or all of it anymore. Any one topic is a tower of stacked blocks ready to topple into a full blown exhaustive and emotional breakdown of all the things that it was built on, never able to explore any one subject for very long before bumping into another.
I have felt as long as I can remember, that I wish I had never existed. As soon as I understood what death was, I wanted to know how to cause mine. I feel so deeply worthless, flawed. I've lost so much. I've hurt so much. Every time I reach out for help about all these things, I'm told to keep trying.
I can't even tell them the truth, that until 2024 I hadn't lived a day of my life without thinking of suicide. And I keep trying to live because everyone always comes back to badgering about what I have and haven't tried doing, as though I've not lived every single day trying when I didn't want to, committing to even the most frustrating suggestions. Ten years ago, after my second failed suicide attempt resulted in homelessness and the worst two years of my life, a few people helped bring me back to stability. It's been so difficult. But in 2024, I realized I'd had a few days recently where I hadn't been thinking of dying. I did my best to capitalize, to make things better to those friends. And then it was all ripped away from me with no explanation, when the people I was closest to and several others, 5 total, stopped being honest with me, then started being mean, and then left entirely. I'm worse than ever. I thought I had already felt loneliness as deep as I could, but I'd never had people caring for me to compare it to. Finally getting that and losing it, I wish I'd never tried. It hurts so much more now. I'm the most alone I've ever been, in an already terribly lonely life.
My therapist likes to tell me that I ADMITTED 2024 had started to look up. Not that I was happy, but I was living again. She thinks that it means YES happiness is possible and I should be stunned by the revelation. Not that I don't love her but that's one of the more painful things I feel awareness of: that good IS possible, and that it's just not worth trying for. 36 years isn't long sure but 36 years of this? Only to be left alone and hurt and confused like I never have been before?
I don't want another 36 years of this for a few months of... not actively wanting to die, only to be that much more disappointed when it's stolen away again. Even if I get lucky and hit the jackpot finding the perfect new social connections, it doesn't take away the lifetime of hurt I've had to feel from every direction up to then. It doesn't mean they won't hurt me too. It doesn't change that I don't want to live.
Living this long, solely because I didn't want to hurt the people I loved, only left me to survive long enough for them all to leave me. And I can't even tell if they're right to leave because nobody is talking. Maybe I was just built wrong from the start. I never asked for any of this
I'm 36, autistic, CPTSD, BPD, severe anxiety, and agoraphobic on top of those.
I don't even know what to say about any or all of it anymore. Any one topic is a tower of stacked blocks ready to topple into a full blown exhaustive and emotional breakdown of all the things that it was built on, never able to explore any one subject for very long before bumping into another.
I have felt as long as I can remember, that I wish I had never existed. As soon as I understood what death was, I wanted to know how to cause mine. I feel so deeply worthless, flawed. I've lost so much. I've hurt so much. Every time I reach out for help about all these things, I'm told to keep trying.
I can't even tell them the truth, that until 2024 I hadn't lived a day of my life without thinking of suicide. And I keep trying to live because everyone always comes back to badgering about what I have and haven't tried doing, as though I've not lived every single day trying when I didn't want to, committing to even the most frustrating suggestions. Ten years ago, after my second failed suicide attempt resulted in homelessness and the worst two years of my life, a few people helped bring me back to stability. It's been so difficult. But in 2024, I realized I'd had a few days recently where I hadn't been thinking of dying. I did my best to capitalize, to make things better to those friends. And then it was all ripped away from me with no explanation, when the people I was closest to and several others, 5 total, stopped being honest with me, then started being mean, and then left entirely. I'm worse than ever. I thought I had already felt loneliness as deep as I could, but I'd never had people caring for me to compare it to. Finally getting that and losing it, I wish I'd never tried. It hurts so much more now. I'm the most alone I've ever been, in an already terribly lonely life.
My therapist likes to tell me that I ADMITTED 2024 had started to look up. Not that I was happy, but I was living again. She thinks that it means YES happiness is possible and I should be stunned by the revelation. Not that I don't love her but that's one of the more painful things I feel awareness of: that good IS possible, and that it's just not worth trying for. 36 years isn't long sure but 36 years of this? Only to be left alone and hurt and confused like I never have been before?
I don't want another 36 years of this for a few months of... not actively wanting to die, only to be that much more disappointed when it's stolen away again. Even if I get lucky and hit the jackpot finding the perfect new social connections, it doesn't take away the lifetime of hurt I've had to feel from every direction up to then. It doesn't mean they won't hurt me too. It doesn't change that I don't want to live.
Living this long, solely because I didn't want to hurt the people I loved, only left me to survive long enough for them all to leave me. And I can't even tell if they're right to leave because nobody is talking. Maybe I was just built wrong from the start. I never asked for any of this
