Venting It's hard for me to love others anymore

[Sadbanana]

I know my family loves me and they are doing their best to keep me here, but everytime I talk to them, it's like I'm not really there. I just feel that they don't get it. And I have to pretend I'm some other person that is ok, even though I feel like I'm in emotional pain.

It's a big disconnect, I don't even want to bridge it, because I know they can't handle this. But I want someone to understand me, someone who sits next to me inside of that dispair, instead of talk to me from somewhere elese. But when I try to talk to my loved ones, I just don't know what to say. I tried to told them how I truely feel and it didn't go well and they just started acting hysterical, so it's best to avoid it. "Professionals" are even worse usually, and last therapy I was in I literally went nonverbal, because I was so tired and dissapointed of talking to them. It just makes you feel even more disconnected, than when I'm alone.

I don't know if I still love anyone. In some sense I do, but somewhere deeper I can feel that it's all just pretense and that I'm just trying to pretend I'm not all alone. Others are just existing on completely different plane than me. I feel like a bad person for saying these things, but it is just how it is.

 

[badatparties]

I know what you mean, I'm starting to find my family annoying and resent them. I just don't want to participate in this existence anymore i think. I can't believe i was born because two morons decided to frick. How idiotic is that.

It feels like i am starting to pierce the veil and find humans completely retarted.

 

[thegreatminderaser]

it makes a lot of sense. i've been feeling that disconnect too, but haven't had the words to parse it. it's hard to be seen fully when you have to hide your pain for others' convenience. i hope you find love/understanding somewhere soon