Story It's been a more than month since I lost him

[Mandoria]

It's been more than a month since I lost my boyfriend to him taking his life.

I'm 23 years old female, that have been going through feeling useless all her life, had been through average divorced family stuff, SA and being extremely unfit to socialize. I only found purpose on living in relationships and in job I do now but I did always felt like I would end it soon, because I didn't see purpose to living.
My boyfriend was 22, guy with good job, maybe some family troubles by what he told me, never had serious relationship before me and big gun maniac. He did go through same feelings of uselessness and wanting to die.

We have been together for almost 2 years and even living together for year, but I have sadly fallen out of love with him, I hated a lot of his opinions that were mainly focused on LGBT and politics and couldn't even sleep with him anymore. There was jealousy with my job, that I couldn't spend more time with him, even thought I was always home and we did spend a lot of time together, but It did made him very depressed when i wasn't spending more time with him. He wasn't a bad person, didn't hit me, he would do anything for me and was overall a good guy, I just couldn't see myself with him anymore.
I did do some bad things in the relationship too, I do have very bad mood swings that only occur when I'm in relationship, feeling hopeless and useless, I was suicidal sometimes and thinking about stealing his gun to finish myself off. But I didn't want to hurt him, I felt bad for even thinking about ending it all, because it would send him into worse place than he ever was. He told me that he was feeling suicidal before, that everyone hated him, but that wasn't true, he had friends and very loving parents. I was always trying to help him get through this, and I thought he changed his opinion about it.

That's why I wasn't scared to end our relationship, I didn't scream at him, didn't accuse him of being bad or make the breaking up hard for him, I talked to him about it for a week, he even promised me he would be my friend even after it. And when it came to the day I said I just want to end it, it became hard for both of us, there was crying and begging to not end it, that he would change, which he promised before and never changed. It was my final say, we would be living together for some time anyway because of our lease I was ready to be there for him to help him move on. The same night he just took a walk outside alone, I was little paranoid about him wanting to hurt himself and tried to find his pistol, that I couldn't find it. I was certain if he took it for the walk or If he had it in his bag before, because sometimes he took it to his job. I was texting him and calling him, he promised me he wouldn't do anything stupid. Then he came back after like 2-3 hours and gone sleep.
I didn't sleep that night, I was scared he would run away and do something if I did sleep. When he woke up around 9-10 am he asked me one last time If I seriously mean it to break up and when I said yes he stopped talking to me and left again. Because of the lack of sleep I just have gone to bed, I trusted him he wouldn't do anything stupid and even texted him to get home safe. By what he wrote me later on he came back home, saw me sleeping and wrote his goodbyes. He purposely was waiting for me to sleep, so I wouldn't stop him by what he wrote to me. Then left again to end himself. His parents woke me like half a hour after it was too late, that they cannot contact him. Me and my friends did go find him only to find police already there. He called police to tell them where they can find him, so someone else wouldn't. In his last message he told me it wasn't my fault, that he felt like this all his life and that I was his purpose to keep on living.
He never told me he would take his life if I break up with him, unlike my exes that were always saying they would and they are still here, so even if he did I don't think I would take it that much seriously anyway... And I feel such a guilt because of it, maybe if I wasn't sleeping, or maybe said something different he wouldn't do it or maybe if he didn't have firearm.

His family is devastated, he was their only son, I'm certain they blame me a lot for this, didn't even told me about his funeral.

Every day I just think about him, It's driving me crazy and close to just doing it too but I'm too scared that I would just become more of inconvenience to others if I fail. I'm just lying to them at this point that I won't commit.

It's all my fault, if I didn't wanted to break up, he would still be here with his family and friends. I'm just a horrible human being, even if i never meant to hurt anyone I did in the end anyway and I will hurt more people if I succeed in ending myself. I just feel lost. It feels like this is finally my time after chickening out so much before, I just don't want to hurt others like his suicide did.

I do wish if I do end it, that I will meet him again.


But how can one recover from this? Do I even deserve to recover?

Did someone here came through something similar?

 

[BPDtgirl]

I am so, so sorry that this happened to you.

Firstly, you are NOT a horrible human being. If you were a horrible human being entirely devoid of empathy then you would most certainly not be feeling the things you are describing in your post. We all enter this life kicking and screaming, we all hurt people, we all do bad things but none of these things make you a horrible person. You're a human being capable of making mistakes just like anybody else is.

I wish I could flip a switch and turn off those emotions for you, I understand how powerful and debilitating they can be. Please, consider talking to a therapist about this stuff before you make any irreversible decisions on your own life.

But how can one recover from this? Do I even deserve to recover?

Recovery is absolutely possible, the baggage you must be carrying here is immense and you should cut yourself some slack for being one human being that is carrying this massive weight around with you. The fact that you were able to come here, create an account, write this post and hit send shows that - deep down - you are reaching out for some form of help.

Do you deserve to recover? Yes. Absolutely, yes. Even if I am a stranger on the internet telling you this; think about those people that you mentioned you're worried your suicide would affect - if you had you asked them that question, what would they tell you?

Sending you love, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Ashu]

It's been more than a month since I lost my boyfriend to him taking his life.

I'm 23 years old female, that have been going through feeling useless all her life, had been through average divorced family stuff, SA and being extremely unfit to socialize. I only found purpose on living in relationships and in job I do now but I did always felt like I would end it soon, because I didn't see purpose to living.
My boyfriend was 22, guy with good job, maybe some family troubles by what he told me, never had serious relationship before me and big gun maniac. He did go through same feelings of uselessness and wanting to die.

We have been together for almost 2 years and even living together for year, but I have sadly fallen out of love with him, I hated a lot of his opinions that were mainly focused on LGBT and politics and couldn't even sleep with him anymore. There was jealousy with my job, that I couldn't spend more time with him, even thought I was always home and we did spend a lot of time together, but It did made him very depressed when i wasn't spending more time with him. He wasn't a bad person, didn't hit me, he would do anything for me and was overall a good guy, I just couldn't see myself with him anymore.
I did do some bad things in the relationship too, I do have very bad mood swings that only occur when I'm in relationship, feeling hopeless and useless, I was suicidal sometimes and thinking about stealing his gun to finish myself off. But I didn't want to hurt him, I felt bad for even thinking about ending it all, because it would send him into worse place than he ever was. He told me that he was feeling suicidal before, that everyone hated him, but that wasn't true, he had friends and very loving parents. I was always trying to help him get through this, and I thought he changed his opinion about it.

That's why I wasn't scared to end our relationship, I didn't scream at him, didn't accuse him of being bad or make the breaking up hard for him, I talked to him about it for a week, he even promised me he would be my friend even after it. And when it came to the day I said I just want to end it, it became hard for both of us, there was crying and begging to not end it, that he would change, which he promised before and never changed. It was my final say, we would be living together for some time anyway because of our lease I was ready to be there for him to help him move on. The same night he just took a walk outside alone, I was little paranoid about him wanting to hurt himself and tried to find his pistol, that I couldn't find it. I was certain if he took it for the walk or If he had it in his bag before, because sometimes he took it to his job. I was texting him and calling him, he promised me he wouldn't do anything stupid. Then he came back after like 2-3 hours and gone sleep.
I didn't sleep that night, I was scared he would run away and do something if I did sleep. When he woke up around 9-10 am he asked me one last time If I seriously mean it to break up and when I said yes he stopped talking to me and left again. Because of the lack of sleep I just have gone to bed, I trusted him he wouldn't do anything stupid and even texted him to get home safe. By what he wrote me later on he came back home, saw me sleeping and wrote his goodbyes. He purposely was waiting for me to sleep, so I wouldn't stop him by what he wrote to me. Then left again to end himself. His parents woke me like half a hour after it was too late, that they cannot contact him. Me and my friends did go find him only to find police already there. He called police to tell them where they can find him, so someone else wouldn't. In his last message he told me it wasn't my fault, that he felt like this all his life and that I was his purpose to keep on living.
He never told me he would take his life if I break up with him, unlike my exes that were always saying they would and they are still here, so even if he did I don't think I would take it that much seriously anyway... And I feel such a guilt because of it, maybe if I wasn't sleeping, or maybe said something different he wouldn't do it or maybe if he didn't have firearm.

His family is devastated, he was their only son, I'm certain they blame me a lot for this, didn't even told me about his funeral.

Every day I just think about him, It's driving me crazy and close to just doing it too but I'm too scared that I would just become more of inconvenience to others if I fail. I'm just lying to them at this point that I won't commit.

It's all my fault, if I didn't wanted to break up, he would still be here with his family and friends. I'm just a horrible human being, even if i never meant to hurt anyone I did in the end anyway and I will hurt more people if I succeed in ending myself. I just feel lost. It feels like this is finally my time after chickening out so much before, I just don't want to hurt others like his suicide did.

I do wish if I do end it, that I will meet him again.


But how can one recover from this? Do I even deserve to recover?

Did someone here came through something similar?

It was his fate, the same fate of all of us, and his choice, insofar as there is such a thing, the choice we all struggle with. Both of you belonged to our tribe. Understand him and pity him and mourn for him, but believe what he was good enough to tell you, that it was not your fault, that it was his fate. Remember the love, be happy for him that his suffering is over.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

It wasn't sudden but it went over time. It happened 4 months into our separation. The guilt is heavy. Still carry it to this day. It's been 6 months now and I still haul it like her very own carcass.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you but through days onwards, I hope you can make peace with his death. From what I've read, if you really are a horrible human being, he wouldn't have left that message for you.

He loved you and you leaving may have contributed to his death, sure. You can acknowledge that but in the grand scheme of things, you're not the sole reason for your boyfriend's suicide. There are so many other contributing factors and you can feel like "Oh but I was the last person to talk to him and we didn't end things on a good note so I must be a fucking monster who has caused all this." but eventually, you must also recognize that while he needed you, he needed others too who weren't there for him.

It takes an entire village to raise a child. It takes many people to build (and destroy) a person. You've given everything you've got but you're just one person and that, oftentimes, isn't enough.

If you need to sulk some more, I'm around. I kind of had the same experience as you so trauma-bonding is there. If things get dark, never be afraid to reach out for help. I know things are tough right now and it's okay. Things go up and down all the time. Just remember that going the way he did is probably the last thing he wanted from you. His last thought was most likely for you to find contentedness. It was messy, yes, but if you felt it that he loved you very much, I'm certain that he'd want you to find that peace and calm you couldn't get from him, with him.

He grieved because he lost you and he let it eat away at him. He was fighting demons and he lost. You were already there standing by to help him. That alone DOES NOT make you a horrible person.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

reading this rn hurts so bad. i tried breaking up with my bf yesterday and he told me that i was the reason why he kept on going, and he self harmed. today, i told him to please let me know if something is bothering him, but i havent heard back from him at all or anything. im so fucking scared and i want to die. i dont know what to do

 

[Mandoria]

I am so, so sorry that this happened to you.

Firstly, you are NOT a horrible human being. If you were a horrible human being entirely devoid of empathy then you would most certainly not be feeling the things you are describing in your post. We all enter this life kicking and screaming, we all hurt people, we all do bad things but none of these things make you a horrible person. You're a human being capable of making mistakes just like anybody else is.

I wish I could flip a switch and turn off those emotions for you, I understand how powerful and debilitating they can be. Please, consider talking to a therapist about this stuff before you make any irreversible decisions on your own life.



Recovery is absolutely possible, the baggage you must be carrying here is immense and you should cut yourself some slack for being one human being that is carrying this massive weight around with you. The fact that you were able to come here, create an account, write this post and hit send shows that - deep down - you are reaching out for some form of help.

Do you deserve to recover? Yes. Absolutely, yes. Even if I am a stranger on the internet telling you this; think about those people that you mentioned you're worried your suicide would affect - if you had you asked them that question, what would they tell you?

Sending you love, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

sorry for such a late reply, It's been hard to come back to this post.

But thank you alot. It did give my mind a little bit of peace.

Thank you again <3

It wasn't sudden but it went over time. It happened 4 months into our separation. The guilt is heavy. Still carry it to this day. It's been 6 months now and I still haul it like her very own carcass.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you but through days onwards, I hope you can make peace with his death. From what I've read, if you really are a horrible human being, he wouldn't have left that message for you.

He loved you and you leaving may have contributed to his death, sure. You can acknowledge that but in the grand scheme of things, you're not the sole reason for your boyfriend's suicide. There are so many other contributing factors and you can feel like "Oh but I was the last person to talk to him and we didn't end things on a good note so I must be a fucking monster who has caused all this." but eventually, you must also recognize that while he needed you, he needed others too who weren't there for him.

It takes an entire village to raise a child. It takes many people to build (and destroy) a person. You've given everything you've got but you're just one person and that, oftentimes, isn't enough.

If you need to sulk some more, I'm around. I kind of had the same experience as you so trauma-bonding is there. If things get dark, never be afraid to reach out for help. I know things are tough right now and it's okay. Things go up and down all the time. Just remember that going the way he did is probably the last thing he wanted from you. His last thought was most likely for you to find contentedness. It was messy, yes, but if you felt it that he loved you very much, I'm certain that he'd want you to find that peace and calm you couldn't get from him, with him.

He grieved because he lost you and he let it eat away at him. He was fighting demons and he lost. You were already there standing by to help him. That alone DOES NOT make you a horrible person.

Thank you alot for writing me. And I'm so sorry you are going through something similiar.