It Truly Does Not Get Better.

[verybabybunny]

I've been on this site for a while, mostly lurking, rarely posting/commenting.

Years ago, I felt I needed to die as a result of abuse. That this person hurt me so badly, there was no way them, or their family, or anyone would ever understand the physical pain I suffer just opening my eyes each morning after, and that I also could not go on. A lethal combination of understanding, and exit ticket. 2 birds, 1 stone.

As so many say I wish I did it younger. I wish I did it any of the times I've thought about it. I wish I did it at 12 years old. After being abused for those 4 years, someone who was a complete stranger, had heard my story, cried tears from their eyes for my story. Abused me for 2 years. And this was worse. I couldn't imagine how bad it could possibly get.

However - this is not even why I am here.
This has actually turned out to be the absolute best point I've ever been in, in 28 years. Suffering, yes. But offered a job, with a 75k salary (I live in NYC I can barely afford anything at this point) I've never ever ever ever been anywhere near the running for a salary job and no it isnt much but, I've only been a performer, an entertainer, EMT, done some modeling. I've never ever earned a guaranteed amount of money...the lights stay on food is available I can do things in my free time, and save money...this is basically the young working person's dream, right?

It's all empty and pointless for me. I kept telling myself 'as soon as you get the job your life changes. Thats it. No longer survival mode' but it doesnt cover up the fact that people I loved with more strength than I can describe with every ache of my body from my pinky toe to the hairs growing out of my head, hurt me the way that they did. I never get over it. I dont want to go outside. I dont want to feel the sun on my skin, I dont want to listen to music. All I feel is them putting their hands on me, their words screaming through my ears, the insults and sadness and confusion. It doesnt go with them because they're gone. It just makes me wonder why I'm not even good enough to be insulted anymore.


It really doesn't get better, thats really all just a lie. I'm in the best position imaginable for myself. However I am still stuck in the bottom of the well, and the well is lined with the walls of my hurting, breathing chest. I am in pain every day.

 

[Worndown]

Not to offend, but have you sought any help so you can cope, package and carry this load?
It sounds like you are toughing it out.

 

[verybabybunny]

Not to offend, but have you sought any help so you can cope, package and carry this load?
It sounds like you are toughing it out.

Again, being an EMT myself, that suggestion feels like a joke (not coming from you. Just it in general)

I was in therapy for years as a kid, I didnt have a dad. Everybody told me it made me angry and I needed therapy...I never felt angry. Therapy was weird...it was almost like I was talking to someone who had similar problems to me; tired, hungry, hard life, relational issues...I observed and understood this even as a child.

I dont need to bore or burden anyone with my trials and tribulations or my feelings. They get paid to do it. The same way everything I get paid to do suddenly becomes a chore, the same way even when im now faced with an opportunity to make enough, I dont want to, because im so depressed. Thats the therapists life, too.

Their life is easier without one more set of eyes and a mouth reciting problems at them. Would be easier to die and to not bother anyone.

 

[Worndown]

Just asking in case that was a possible source of relief.
I am sorry you had to deal with any of this let alone all of it. Unfair is a gross understatement.

 

[verybabybunny]

Thank you for caring. Hey, a perspective is a better choice to consider than death right, and, clearly I am on here speaking so. Talking obviously does something.

All of us are here on site by choice though, therapists have to pay their rent and bills and livelihoods by hearing all of this horrible stuff. I have always felt so guilty and awkward about it. I wonder what they hear that drains them most. I wonder if they go home and turn it off. I know I didn't have the ability to working on the ambulance. I was crying every day. However maybe thats just me. I do cry a lot anyway. I dunno.

Thank you really for caring about others and for reading, hearing words, and typing yours back. It means a lot. It really does.

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

can i add something else and say that god does not exist and jesus was either schizophrenic or not real at all. religion is a fucking scam and i am so sick of all the priests and churchgoers telling me IT DOES GET BETTER IF YOU PRAY PRAY TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY SABAOTH......... fuck it all its all delusions and bullshit.

 

[verybabybunny]

can i add something else and say that god does not exist and jesus was either schizophrenic or not real at all. religion is a fucking scam and i am so sick of all the priests and churchgoers telling me IT DOES GET BETTER IF YOU PRAY PRAY TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY SABAOTH......... fuck it all its all delusions and bullshit.

I reported somebody on here like 10 min ago for leaving the Christian nonsense spread around multiple posts. In the 2.5 years I've been a member I didn't even know that was allowed.

Toxic advice is bad whether its to seek religion, to think happy thoughts, to get up and take care of yourself.

But religion itself is very bad, because religion was only ever conceptualized to build a framework for society to follow laws. The entire thing is horrifying.

And yea the abusive partner I just separated from has crosses tatted all over his fuckass body so I shouldve ran for the damn hills.

Sorry youve had a similar experience. People can be so foul. Your religion isnt an excuse to be a bad person, your religion isnt an excuse for me to beg skyman to feel better, either. Nobody's listening.

I hear you. Loud and clear. <3