Venting It hurts when he does it

[Someplace_nice]

It hurts when he ignores me, he literally was grumbling with a face of pain and took his phone bc he doesn't trust me with seeing his emails. When I was talking to him he was just ignoring me like I wasn't even there. I tell him I'm in pain and he forgets immediately, nor even offered any sympathy nor ways to help like normal. He didn't notice when I got sad bc he still doesn't trust me to see his emails after a year of being married. It's only his emails too. He acts like he has a mistress, ik he doesn't bc he cries everytime we talk about him cheating. Which he's never done, but not only does he cry but he knows that I'll CTB if he did. I've progressively gotten sad through out the day so ik I'm a bit more sensitive but I wish he wasn't so secretive about his emails, it makes me feel like he's cheating on me.

 

[Dejected 55]

I guess a question I have is... whether or not he is being protective of his emails... if you don't believe he is cheating on you, then why does it bother you?

I'm speaking hypothetically since I have never been in a relationship... but I imagine if I were in a relationship that I would not feel a need to read all of her emails. Assuming we are in love and trust each other, I have no reason to want or need to read her emails whether she would allow me to or not. Only if I had some other reason to believe she was hiding something important from me or cheating would that become an issue... and I would talk to her... and either that talk would go well or it wouldn't... and we'd have to go from there.

But I don't see a scenario where I would just feel compelled to follow her around or check up on her or read her texts or emails unless I suspected her of something... and IF I suspect her of something, whether she is guilty or not, then that's a problem because either I'm right and she is doing something I should know about and hiding it OR I have issues with trust and am projecting them on her unfairly. Either way, it's a problem.

 

[Someplace_nice]

I guess a question I have is... whether or not he is being protective of his emails... if you don't believe he is cheating on you, then why does it bother you?

I'm speaking hypothetically since I have never been in a relationship... but I imagine if I were in a relationship that I would not feel a need to read all of her emails. Assuming we are in love and trust each other, I have no reason to want or need to read her emails whether she would allow me to or not. Only if I had some other reason to believe she was hiding something important from me or cheating would that become an issue... and I would talk to her... and either that talk would go well or it wouldn't... and we'd have to go from there.

But I don't see a scenario where I would just feel compelled to follow her around or check up on her or read her texts or emails unless I suspected her of something... and IF I suspect her of something, whether she is guilty or not, then that's a problem because either I'm right and she is doing something I should know about and hiding it OR I have issues with trust and am projecting them on her unfairly. Either way, it's a problem.

It upset me that he just took his phone out of my hands when I went to go look for the email I needed that was in his emails. It bothers me every time I want to go see something that's only in his emails and I can't bc he doesn't want me to even think about looking in his emails. I was already on his phone bc I thought he called them and was trying to match phone numbers. I wanted to finish my search myself and not have the phone snatched from me and be ignored. And it happens every time, it's like needing to finish every side quest in a game, it makes you feel better and that's what finishing my search would do for me but I can never finish bc the phone gets taken away.

 

[Dejected 55]

I realize I should have been clearer about what I meant too... because I wasn't judging you... I was just trying to explain from my perspective, and not dismissing or judging your actions. With that as context...

Do you now have your own phone? If you share a phone, then that's a slightly different conversation. But if you have your own phone, why would using his matter? I would say the same if he was using your phone.

Maybe I'm just not understanding your situation. I come from a place of always being alone. IF I was ever to be with someone I couldn't trust, I couldn't handle that. Being betrayed or misled would be horrible for me, and worse than being alone. But I wouldn't go looking for betrayal. That's no way to live. Whenever I have tried to pursue someone, I go in with open eyes but with trust in my heart unless and until they give me a reason not to trust them. I couldn't be with someone for very long if there were unresolved feelings of angst where I thought they were hiding things from me or cheating. That would be a nonstarter for me.

But I wouldn't manufacture it... so someone could probably betray me for a while before I would take notice only when it became really obvious.

 

[Someplace_nice]

I realize I should have been clearer about what I meant too... because I wasn't judging you... I was just trying to explain from my perspective, and not dismissing or judging your actions. With that as context...

Do you now have your own phone? If you share a phone, then that's a slightly different conversation. But if you have your own phone, why would using his matter? I would say the same if he was using your phone.

Maybe I'm just not understanding your situation. I come from a place of always being alone. IF I was ever to be with someone I couldn't trust, I couldn't handle that. Being betrayed or misled would be horrible for me, and worse than being alone. But I wouldn't go looking for betrayal. That's no way to live. Whenever I have tried to pursue someone, I go in with open eyes but with trust in my heart unless and until they give me a reason not to trust them. I couldn't be with someone for very long if there were unresolved feelings of angst where I thought they were hiding things from me or cheating. That would be a nonstarter for me.

But I wouldn't manufacture it... so someone could probably betray me for a while before I would take notice only when it became really obvious.

He was the one who emailed them so it was only on his phone and not mine, we couldn't remember who we emailed so I was gonna look

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm not trying to pry... but... so... does he go through your phone? Do you feel comfortable with him doing that? In a case like this, do you ask him if you can look for the email or did you just grab the phone and start looking? It feels like there is a conflict that isn't a surprise in play, so I guess I'm wondering how it plays out.

 

[Someplace_nice]

I'm not trying to pry... but... so... does he go through your phone? Do you feel comfortable with him doing that? In a case like this, do you ask him if you can look for the email or did you just grab the phone and start looking? It feels like there is a conflict that isn't a surprise in play, so I guess I'm wondering how it plays out.

He knows he can go through my phone at anytime and I am ok with it, I feel comfortable with him doing so. I already had the phone going through the call logs than he just took it when I clicked on his email app

 

[EternalShore]

I'm very sorry to hear that you feel so ignored by him sometimes when you want you want his attention~ :( that sounds really awful, and I hate it so much when it happens to me~ >_< it's also kinda weird that he doesn't want you looking into his stuff despite being married but oh well, that might just be him~ anyways, I wish you 2 the best in having a successful marriage~ :)

 

[Dejected 55]

If I were ever to have been so fortunate as to have had a girlfriend or a wife, I would not have had a problem with her looking through my phone... but I wouldn't just assume I could pick up her phone and do whatever with it. Whether I suspected her of anything or not, I wouldn't assume I have 100% access to all things in her life. As I said earlier, if I had reason to suspect her of something, I would need to talk to her about that to determine whether my suspicions were justified OR if there was something wrong with me and how I was perceiving our relationship. But that is just how I'm wired.

On the flip side... it sounds like it's a consistent thing that he doesn't just like you going through his phone. So, either you are right to be justified in being suspicious and you should address that or consider whether you should be with him if he is hiding something... OR you are not right and you should be asking permission before doing something you know he doesn't like you doing. It feels from a distance like it either has to be one or the other... either he is hiding something and you're right or he isn't hiding anything but you persist in pushing buttons you know will trigger him. You not liking being ignored makes sense, and I feel that... but maybe he also doesn't like being suspected of things and triggered by invading his privacy.

If the genders were flipped here... and a man was complaining that his wife ignores him sometimes and doesn't like when he goes through her phone... most women would want to know why the man is so insecure and has to control his wife by being all over her phone and privacy.

Again, I'm not judging. Something is definitely in need of being worked out... but it is going to honestly have to be you and your husband sitting and talking about what you like and don't like about how things are going.

 

[Someplace_nice]

If I were ever to have been so fortunate as to have had a girlfriend or a wife, I would not have had a problem with her looking through my phone... but I wouldn't just assume I could pick up her phone and do whatever with it. Whether I suspected her of anything or not, I wouldn't assume I have 100% access to all things in her life. As I said earlier, if I had reason to suspect her of something, I would need to talk to her about that to determine whether my suspicions were justified OR if there was something wrong with me and how I was perceiving our relationship. But that is just how I'm wired.

On the flip side... it sounds like it's a consistent thing that he doesn't just like you going through his phone. So, either you are right to be justified in being suspicious and you should address that or consider whether you should be with him if he is hiding something... OR you are not right and you should be asking permission before doing something you know he doesn't like you doing. It feels from a distance like it either has to be one or the other... either he is hiding something and you're right or he isn't hiding anything but you persist in pushing buttons you know will trigger him. You not liking being ignored makes sense, and I feel that... but maybe he also doesn't like being suspected of things and triggered by invading his privacy.

If the genders were flipped here... and a man was complaining that his wife ignores him sometimes and doesn't like when he goes through her phone... most women would want to know why the man is so insecure and has to control his wife by being all over her phone and privacy.

Again, I'm not judging. Something is definitely in need of being worked out... but it is going to honestly have to be you and your husband sitting and talking about what you like and don't like about how things are going.

We did talk eventually and he's just embarrassed of the ads he gets from his past live, he broke down bc we are still working on him bottling up his emotions and finally after asking he set some boundaries, I'd ask if he were ok with something and he would be one minute than realize that he didn't like it and not tell me. The email thing was the breaking point, he also didn't realize that I'd ask for his phone more often than just taking it until now.