Venting It all feels unrewarding, it should piss me off and it doesn't.

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I feel nothing? Why? No anger, literally none, no peace? No feeling at all?

I know, I'm the only one who can give life meaning, I wanted to pummel biology, life itself, not to bow to what my brain wants , not to transition, eat , sleep or do anything the body demands, I don't want to be my brain, I'll choose death before that , 100%, I know I can do it right now, right now I could end it all and it doesn't feel rewarding.

Why does it feel unrewarding, I'm winning on my own terms, I'm literally winning the battle I started. Why do I feel like nothing?? why is it so pointless? I look at death and realise it's the superior choice, that it's the only thing that can take you away from this prison of flesh, it also feels pointless. I look at people and how they live their life, it's pointless to me, why do I care to lecture or judge them? It's also pointless. Why do I write this? it's pointless

Why does it all feel so unrewarding for no apparent reason? Why can't I get angry right now thinking about it, did my whole body just give up? Why can't I feel anything? I literally feel nothing as I type this, nothing at all. Why?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Death is a tricky one though- to view as an achievement. Depending on your beliefs of course. But, if there's nothing after, it's an end with no reward. We all probably long for the peace of it but, we likely won't get to sense that experience of peace. So, it's just this weird paradox. We are effectively longing for something we've not consciously experienced. That we may not even be sure about. So, in a way, it makes sense that we might not be feeling straight forward excitement about it. Other than the hope of something bad ending.

As for life- it isn't something we initiated or chose. Someone else made that decision. It's just something we find ourselves stuck with.

But sure, we all get to determine to some extent how we choose to view it. How far we intend to comply with what's expected of us. Or, what we're told will make us happy or, bring us meaning.

As for why you're posting your thoughts- I guess- just to try and figure out what you believe and, whether others feel the same. I don't think that's pointless though. I think it's good to work out what we feel about life. Sometimes, when we express our thoughts and get feedback from other people, they may either agree and reflect back the same or, they may challenge us. Which can either make us even more sure we are right, if we still feel the same or, we may alter our way of thinking.

Thoughts are what guide us ultimately so- I don't see it as a waste of time to express them.

 

[mirror_mercury]

I feel nothing? Why? No anger, literally none, no peace? No feeling at all?

I know, I'm the only one who can give life meaning, I wanted to pummel biology, life itself, not to bow to what my brain wants , not to transition, eat , sleep or do anything the body demands, I don't want to be my brain, I'll choose death before that , 100%, I know I can do it right now, right now I could end it all and it doesn't feel rewarding.

Why does it feel unrewarding, I'm winning on my own terms, I'm literally winning the battle I started. Why do I feel like nothing?? why is it so pointless? I look at death and realise it's the superior choice, that it's the only thing that can take you away from this prison of flesh, it also feels pointless. I look at people and how they live their life, it's pointless to me, why do I care to lecture or judge them? It's also pointless. Why do I write this? it's pointless

Why does it all feel so unrewarding for no apparent reason? Why can't I get angry right now thinking about it, did my whole body just give up? Why can't I feel anything? I literally feel nothing as I type this, nothing at all. Why?

the buddha tried to starve himself to death

then a woman approached him with the most delicious food in the world

and now, that's how you got the golden buddha of today who's always got a full belly, and smiling happily