Help Is there even a point to this ?

[4colliez]

Is there even a point to recovery, when I think there's no point in life? I am suicidal literally 24/7 and keeping it in is making the desire for death even stronger. Instead of just dying I'm grasping at the few things I convince myself are real enough to bring me a little bit of happiness. So when I'm in emotional pain I just fuck up my body with sh and I'm letting myself develop a dependency on alcohol to deal with my emotions. People, my friends say they're here for me and want to help but when I open up it all feels so fake and without understanding. The few I've tried being open with make me feel like a bother . I have so many people in my life who think I don't care, who think I'm fine but in reality I'm miserable and pathetic

Im no angel but I don't think i'm a bad person, I think i'm someone in pain desperate for someone to hear me, to see me and decide I deserve kindness. But I know that's not possible. I see no point in life and I know I'll eventually ctb because I don't understand why I should ever put myself through living 50 more years. I've been rapidly spiralling downwards these few weeks.
So what do I do to make myself hold on? What do I tell myself to feel like recovery on the long term is worth it? Everything good is temporary so how do I keep going forward?

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

In my opinion the point of recovery is to improve your life in the long term. It's about doing hard things now so that in the future you have a chance to be happy. It's difficult to do that if you're suicidal because as suicidal people we tend to live in the short term. When we believe our lives will end soon we tend to behave in a way that damages our chances of living happily in the future because, well, the future does not exist to us anymore.

Ultimately to truly start the journey to recovery you need to commit to being alive for that better future to come. It also means attempting to stop bad habits like the sh and alcohol and trust me I know how hard that is. Whether you choose to make that commitment is up to you, but your life cannot start to materially improve until you do. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just what I've personally learned about recovery after making a temporary recovery last year.

I understand your pain when it comes to friends. I have the same problem. I think that it's impossible to truly understand what serious mental suffering is like if they haven't been in that situation themselves. It's lonely but it's the way things are. I don't know anything about you but I choose to believe that are you a good person who is just hurting, who just wants someone to be there for them. I think you do deserve kindness, and I don't think that it's impossible for you. You just need to find the right people. It's difficult but so, so rewarding when you finally find that person that understands you.

I can't say the right words that will suddenly make recovery worth it to you. That has to come from the inside, unfortunately. I understand that it's hard right now but if you commit to recovery some day it will get easier. Maybe you won't be happy all the time but sometimes is better than never right? Even though everything good is temporary you have to remember that there's always more good in the world to experience. Sorry for the very long reply. I really hope you decide that recovery is right for you but I understand that it's a difficult decision. I hope that this was helpful on some level to you and I hope you're doing well <3.

 

[orpheus_]

I had (and still have sometimes) similar thoughts, life is meaningless anyway so why bother. For my entire life I jump between obsessive fear of death and suicidality, because "everything is going to end anyway".

However as I partially "recovered", the meaninglessness stopped bothering me as much. I still know everything is temporary and there's no point in anything, but if we appeared in this world already - why not experience things, see what's out there? When I'm in less emotional pain from other things, the world's emptiness bothers me less or I just do not think about it at all. I started to experience some good things, feelings that make things a bit meaningful for a moment.
What personally kept me alive through the times when I felt nothing but sadness was mostly the will to help other people, as I do believe that all of us are in some way conscious, and we're in this meaningless world together - so we can support each other, at least.

This is just my experience and I do not know your exact situation but I decided to share it because this post literally sounds like something I could write like two years ago (minus the alcohol dependency, because social anxiety kept me from even going to the store). My point is, life can be meaningless and still okay (or even good). However I know it is hard to live when everything feels bad or nothing feels good or both, but getting someone to listen to you is one of the things that can help.

Good luck and I hope you will feel better <3
if you ever need to talk my DMs are open (it can just take me a few days to answer because I've had a lot of work recently, and sometimes I can be a bit awkward but if you don't mind it you can message me if you want to)

 

[deny_conformity]

Is there even a point to recovery, when I think there's no point in life? I am suicidal literally 24/7 and keeping it in is making the desire for death even stronger. Instead of just dying I'm grasping at the few things I convince myself are real enough to bring me a little bit of happiness. So when I'm in emotional pain I just fuck up my body with sh and I'm letting myself develop a dependency on alcohol to deal with my emotions. People, my friends say they're here for me and want to help but when I open up it all feels so fake and without understanding. The few I've tried being open with make me feel like a bother . I have so many people in my life who think I don't care, who think I'm fine but in reality I'm miserable and pathetic

Im no angel but I don't think i'm a bad person, I think i'm someone in pain desperate for someone to hear me, to see me and decide I deserve kindness. But I know that's not possible. I see no point in life and I know I'll eventually ctb because I don't understand why I should ever put myself through living 50 more years. I've been rapidly spiralling downwards these few weeks.
So what do I do to make myself hold on? What do I tell myself to feel like recovery on the long term is worth it? Everything good is temporary so how do I keep going forward?

It sounds like you're just like me, desperately alone despite having IRL friends. Suicidality is something you cannot share with "normal" people. I was talking to my care coordinator about this yesterday. I told her I joined SaSu to find methods to CTB (because of the bullshit reporting on the BBC). What I actually found was a vibrant community of very supportive people. So the irony of the situation is that I joined to find a way to die but I found a way to live (at least for now).

We all share suicidality and you can always talk to us about anything. It actually makes me feel less alone posting here and trying to help support people. I think I've found a place where I belong with like minded people. I can post my inner thoughts and always get a response from some one along the lines of "I get you, I feel the same." I don't have to explain anything, I just feel understood. When you talk to normal people they just stare at you blankly or with concern, it's like watching a rabbit in the headlights.

I was married for 10 years and with my ex wife for 5 years before we got married. In that time she never wanted to talk about my mental health or suicidality. I have bipolar and if I even started to talk about my inner thought processes she shut down and withdrew from me. I was unable to share a large part of my personality without her so unsurprisingly our relationship failed in the end. She felt unloved by me while I felt unheard by her. The irony of the situation is she shows more concern about my mental stability and suicidality now that we're divorced because of our son.

 

[4colliez]

Ultimately to truly start the journey to recovery you need to commit to being alive for that better future to come. It also means attempting to stop bad habits like the sh and alcohol and trust me I know how hard that is. Whether you choose to make that commitment is up to you, but your life cannot start to materially improve until you do. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just what I've personally learned about recovery after making a temporary recovery last year.

It's not harsh, I know that's true because I've done it and because it's the advice I give to people I care about. It's just hard to apply it to yourself yk, especially when you've tried multiple times and got your hopes up only to end up back in rock bottom. I feel like I'll never be able to escape myself and what I am anyway so like why try?
I know that I'm still here because I feel like I owe it to certain people to accomplish at least something with my life, and that I know my death would hurt at least someone, but my life doesn't have much worth to me anymore, and I have no worth to most people I wish I did. But thank you for the reply though and I hope your recovery goes well.

This is just my experience and I do not know your exact situation but I decided to share it because this post literally sounds like something I could write like two years ago (minus the alcohol dependency, because social anxiety kept me from even going to the store). My point is, life can be meaningless and still okay (or even good). However I know it is hard to live when everything feels bad or nothing feels good or both, but getting someone to listen to you is one of the things that can help.

Thank you. I think the hardest part is that I was fully committed to recovering a few years ago and for some time things did get better. I felt so happy, I had so many things going right for me and I actually looked forward to the future. I remember a very specific moment where everything felt like it had fallen into place, and I thought "life is good".
Every thing started going downhill a bit after that. So many things I worked hard for and which gave me a reason to live were ripped away from me. I feel like I'm working towards being half of the person I was working to be. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I wouldn't handle it if things got better only to become worse again

It sounds like you're just like me, desperately alone despite having IRL friends. Suicidality is something you cannot share with "normal" people. I was talking to my care coordinator about this yesterday. I told her I joined SaSu to find methods to CTB (because of the bullshit reporting on the BBC). What I actually found was a vibrant community of very supportive people. So the irony of the situation is that I joined to find a way to die but I found a way to live (at least for now).

We all share suicidality and you can always talk to us about anything. It actually makes me feel less alone posting here and trying to help support people. I think I've found a place where I belong with like minded people. I can post my inner thoughts and always get a response from some one along the lines of "I get you, I feel the same." I don't have to explain anything, I just feel understood. When you talk to normal people they just stare at you blankly or with concern, it's like watching a rabbit in the headlights.

I was married for 10 years and with my ex wife for 5 years before we got married. In that time she never wanted to talk about my mental health or suicidality. I have bipolar and if I even started to talk about my inner thought processes she shut down and withdrew from me. I was unable to share a large part of my personality without her so unsurprisingly our relationship failed in the end. She felt unloved by me while I felt unheard by her. The irony of the situation is she shows more concern about my mental stability and suicidality now that we're divorced because of our son.

I'm glad you found a place here, and I hope it continues to help you <3
Though if I'm honest I feel like posting here doesn't bring me much and it makes me feel pathetic. Like how come I have people who love and care about me, someone who was supposed to want a future with me and I have to come here for anyone to be willing to hear me out? Even here I have a hard time talking to anyone about how I feel because I honestly feel like Im just another inconvenience. It just feels so miserable because for so long all I wanted was to heal and I was repeatedly hit in the face with reality. I tried opening up to my closest friends about being genuinely suicidal a bit before joining sasu and it ended with them being mad that I didn't do what they wanted me to. I was ghosted and left alone with no one for over 2 weeks because they were mad at me. At that time I was also hospitalised for something severe (but unrelated) and I was scared of reaching out to anyone for support. And the worst part is that I can't even be angry at them

Like my mind can't comprehend how I'm supposed to keep going through this for I don't know how long. I've given myself an "expiration date" and it's the only thing to bring me a bit of comfort

 

[deny_conformity]

I'm glad you found a place here, and I hope it continues to help you <3
Though if I'm honest I feel like posting here doesn't bring me much and it makes me feel pathetic. Like how come I have people who love and care about me, someone who was supposed to want a future with me and I have to come here for anyone to be willing to hear me out? Even here I have a hard time talking to anyone about how I feel because I honestly feel like Im just another inconvenience. It just feels so miserable because for so long all I wanted was to heal and I was repeatedly hit in the face with reality. I tried opening up to my closest friends about being genuinely suicidal a bit before joining sasu and it ended with them being mad that I didn't do what they wanted me to. I was ghosted and left alone with no one for over 2 weeks because they were mad at me. At that time I was also hospitalised for something severe (but unrelated) and I was scared of reaching out to anyone for support. And the worst part is that I can't even be angry at them

Like my mind can't comprehend how I'm supposed to keep going through this for I don't know how long. I've given myself an "expiration date" and it's the only thing to bring me a bit of comfort

I've been there, my IRL friends don't understand my suicidality. It's like you talk to them and it's a rabbit in the headlights. I tried to CTB last year and very nearly succeeded, I was in a coma for a week and ITU for a few more days needing two blood transfusions. I get the "you can't always talk to me" but when I try to they don't understand. I guess I'm very lucky that they didn't get mad at me.

I find SaSu helpful because I can just say "I feel x" and don't need to explain myself to get support. I can also interact with other suicidal people in a way that makes me feel part of a group (a very damaged and vulnerable group). I don't care why someone wants to CTB, it doesn't matter. What matters is people here are willing to listen and offer support in a way "normal" people are incapable of.

It doesn't replace my need for physical interactions with people. My ex wife (married for 10 years, together for 5 before) left because she couldn't handle my bipolar and suicidality. That is someone who promised to love me in sickness and health, who apparently wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We could never talk about my mental health/suicidality so it's no surprise. I still loved her as best as I can love anyone, she kept me from trying to CTB for 15 years. In the end we are alone.

I am here because it makes me feel like part of a community and gives me an outlet for my thoughts. I also reach out and try to help people, I actually care about people I've never met. I want to support them in whatever decision they make. If you want to get better then I support you, if you want to CTB I will support you and wish you good luck. Just need to make sure it's right for you because it's a permanent solution.