Is my therapist right?

[hellonearth144]

My therapist blames me for my friend ghosting me without a word. Claiming that talking everyday is too much and it caused her to leave me. Anytime I tell her about new person leaving she says I'm too much. And has an obsession with this fact that I talked with my friend everyday for hours. She brings it up on every visit anytime I want to vent about my friend leaving me.
She also claims that no friend will spend life with you and only a partner will,
While I just want to be close with a friend and spend time with them everyday. I just want a platonic soulmate.
She also blamed me for my current friend ghosting me for days or weeks or leaving in the middle of convos without a word.

I'm wanna change her and refused next visit bc she also blames me for my narc mom behaviors. But my mother got angry and started screaming bc my SEVENTY YEAR OLD psychiatrist recommended her. I'm literally gen z I need a younger psychiatrist bc I will never be understood with this one. And also I'm autistic and those people do not understand that and have no knowledge about that so I can't get right treatment and understanding.
I'm whole life under my mother control, it's impossible to reason with her or have a normal conversation
What my therapist says about friendships makes me want to commit bc all I want is close friends who will spend time with me everyday but apparently I'm too much and nobody will tolerate that.
It's all messing with my head and making me suicidal

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I'm aromantic and hear that bullshit all the time, that only a romantic partner is a "real" relationship. Friends are not a lesser tier of relationship and the love between them is no less real than romantic love.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I came to my own conclussion that I could be too much for friends. It's kind of embarassing and hurtful to come to terms with.

As for whether it's even possible to have someone that close for always, I don't know really. The obvious issue is that- as we age and change, our circumstances do to. When friends have partners and families, their priorities do tend to shift. I suppose the therapist is trying to emphasize that you can't hinge your well being on another person. It is pretty risky.

What doesn't feel fair is to make you feel bad about it though- I think. We become clingy for a reason- surely. I thought the whole point of a therapist was to dig out why we may have these behaviours. Not to berate us for having them! I imagine we seek out love from others because we may not have had the level we needed from our parents/ families.

It sounds a little like the borderline personalities need for a favourite person. I don't think I'm borderline but, I am definitely prone to an obsessive clingness in relationships. Both limerence- when it comes to crushes on people and, a clingyness in friendship.

It's swung the other way for me now in that- the intensity of need is often met with disappointment and loss and, I suppose I figured the loss is too painful to risk now.

I don't really know if the need is something that can be toned down. However- if you are noticing that your friendships are largely hurting you and ultimately- you can't change the other person, maybe you do have to look at how much you are expecting of them.

It might of course- be reasonable but then- if they aren't willing to give that amount, it likely will just lead to you getting hurt. My former best friend just literally put it plainly one day that their partner was now their best friend. It hurt a great deal at the time but, ultimately, it made me take that necessary step back.

I try really hard now to appreciate what a person is willing to give without expecting stuff from them. It doesn't always work but, it helps to at least remind myself not to become reliant.

 

[hellonearth144]

My friend who ghosted me never wanted to have a sexual/romantic partner just like me. I never wanted either.

 

[hellonearth144]

My friend who ghosted me never wanted to have a sexual/romantic partner just like me. I never wanted either.

I meant partner not parent omg

 

[Dejected 55]

Some people never want to talk but still want to call people "friend." I don't understand it. People claim anyone is a "friend" as long as that person isn't actively out to get them. Most people really only seem to want casual acquaintances, but want to call that friendship even though it isn't.

I don't think most people want actual friends... just like I don't think most people want actual partners, romantically. It seems like everyone wants to be alone but have someone ready and waiting to do the particular thing they need when they need it and then go away. Transactional relationships as "friends" and "partners" seems to be the way of the world now, and that just feels so empty and not at all worth living to me.

 

[sonnyw]

It doesn't seem like they're a good therapist... even if what they said was true (I don't believe it) they shouldn't treat you this way and blame you for everything...

 

[takemetothestars]

Please please please don't be suicidal over this. Everything is OK, this is small potatoes

 

[Seneca65AD]

If therapy isn't working for you and actually making your situation worse, my advice is to cut ties with them immediately. No exit interview; no thanks for the help, just don't rebook. I believe there are good ones out there, but it takes time to find them. Same with psychiatrists, counsellors and every other health care professional.

There are life-time friends, just as there are short-time family members. My wife has had the same best-friend from school for over 40 years. I am not the "friend" type of person so if I see one of them every year or so, I'm good. Do not apologize for who you are and shame on your therapist for making you feel the way she did - that just seems cruel.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

It's all messing with my head and making me suicidal

I don't say this lightly but stop going to therapy. Seriously, she sounds unprofessional and while I don't think therapists should coddle you, they should at least attempt to help you. She's doing the exact opposite.

 

[Unlucky777]

This therapist sounds like an idiot.

 

[webb&flow]

Please please please don't be suicidal over this. Everything is OK, this is small potatoes

Don't accept it if someone tells you, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

—https://metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[Jisatsu]

Your therapist sounds like a idiot.

 

[BlockedintheUK]

A number of therapists are narcissists that will happily hurt you and enjoy it I think you should change. Sometimes therapists and psychologists are wicked evil

 

[Ilovemyteddies]

Sounds like bullshit to me

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I came to my own conclussion that I could be too much for friends. It's kind of embarassing and hurtful to come to terms with.

As for whether it's even possible to have someone that close for always, I don't know really. The obvious issue is that- as we age and change, our circumstances do to. When friends have partners and families, their priorities do tend to shift. I suppose the therapist is trying to emphasize that you can't hinge your well being on another person. It is pretty risky.

What doesn't feel fair is to make you feel bad about it though- I think. We become clingy for a reason- surely. I thought the whole point of a therapist was to dig out why we may have these behaviours. Not to berate us for having them! I imagine we seek out love from others because we may not have had the level we needed from our parents/ families.

It sounds a little like the borderline personalities need for a favourite person. I don't think I'm borderline but, I am definitely prone to an obsessive clingness in relationships. Both limerence- when it comes to crushes on people and, a clingyness in friendship.

It's swung the other way for me now in that- the intensity of need is often met with disappointment and loss and, I suppose I figured the loss is too painful to risk now.

I don't really know if the need is something that can be toned down. However- if you are noticing that your friendships are largely hurting you and ultimately- you can't change the other person, maybe you do have to look at how much you are expecting of them.

It might of course- be reasonable but then- if they aren't willing to give that amount, it likely will just lead to you getting hurt. My former best friend just literally put it plainly one day that their partner was now their best friend. It hurt a great deal at the time but, ultimately, it made me take that necessary step back.

I try really hard now to appreciate what a person is willing to give without expecting stuff from them. It doesn't always work but, it helps to at least remind myself not to become reliant.

My therapist blames me for my friend ghosting me without a word. Claiming that talking everyday is too much and it caused her to leave me. Anytime I tell her about new person leaving she says I'm too much. And has an obsession with this fact that I talked with my friend everyday for hours. She brings it up on every visit anytime I want to vent about my friend leaving me.
She also claims that no friend will spend life with you and only a partner will,
While I just want to be close with a friend and spend time with them everyday. I just want a platonic soulmate.
She also blamed me for my current friend ghosting me for days or weeks or leaving in the middle of convos without a word.

I'm wanna change her and refused next visit bc she also blames me for my narc mom behaviors. But my mother got angry and started screaming bc my SEVENTY YEAR OLD psychiatrist recommended her. I'm literally gen z I need a younger psychiatrist bc I will never be understood with this one. And also I'm autistic and those people do not understand that and have no knowledge about that so I can't get right treatment and understanding.
I'm whole life under my mother control, it's impossible to reason with her or have a normal conversation
What my therapist says about friendships makes me want to commit bc all I want is close friends who will spend time with me everyday but apparently I'm too much and nobody will tolerate that.
It's all messing with my head and making me suicidal

I think you have to ask yourself if you think there's some grain of truth in it? If you were texting them to say "hello" or to chat about random things- probably not.

If you were texting someone, telling them you're feeling depressed or asking for advice on heavy stuff all the time- maybe.

Honestly everyone is kind of different; some people want closer relationships and some don't. It could also be your friend is going through their own stuff too.

I objectively know I am "too much", if that helps. I struggle with chronic depression and it inevitably comes out and people find it ugly. I feel "too much". I am too intense about friendships and relationships and care too much about other people and don't know how to stop for my own sake.

I would also say- with your possible background of narc mom… you might just be choosing friendships that mirror your relationship with your mother.

I realized in my past that I unconsciously chose friends with substance abuse issues, trauma bonded with friends who grew up in similarly toxic environments, or chose people who were similar to my father (selfish, self absorbed, would only talk about themselves, financially and emotionally used me and then would chronically drop me/treat me like shit).

I would just objectively look at your behavior and texts and ask yourself if you are respecting or putting up healthy boundaries? Are you expecting too much from others? Are you sacrificing personal boundaries because you are afraid of being rejected? Are you talking too much about yourself and not them? Or Is the relationship one sided and always about them?

But yeah- friendships are hard when you grew up with someone who modeled that boundaries are bad or made you feel like love was "conditional". I wouldn't beat yourself up about it but it might be good to analyze if you're accidentally repeating things from your childhood?