Venting Is it better to care and risk getting hurt, or stay alone and feel safe?

[HillWhereIWillRest]

I don't know how to keep people close. There's always a reason they leave. I've been protecting myself from feeling anything for anyone. I'm so tired of everything going wrong.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts of CTB. I recently reconnected with someone after a year of no contact. He was responsive, we met up yesterday, and I hugged him for about 5 minutes. He's interested in me but doesn't want a relationship because he just got out of one last year and wants to focus on financial stability.
I told him I'd love to be his friend. Then he stopped replying.
After so long feeling lonely, I finally felt some affection that filled me. And he pulled away. I have BPD, and rejection hurts so much!!! Can't stand being like this.

 

[Almost Dead]

I'm really sorry this happened... People coming back just to leave again hurts more than anything.

If it's better to stay alone to keep yourself safe or to take the risk to get close to others with the knowledge it may fall through, it's hard to say. I guess it just depends... As someone with the same disorder, I'd say it might not seem "better" to take the risk to get close to others after experiencing so much disappointment and abandonment, but I do think it can be worth it, sheerly due to the fact that if you don't play, you'll never win. The only certain thing about life (besides death) is its uncertainty; you never know what good things/people will be introduced into your life at any point, but definitely not if you don't try and take the risk, as painful as it can be. And no human can survive sane in total isolation, unfortunately.

With this disorder it's immensely hard to try and not let affection/validation/others' opinions run your perception of the value of your own life, but it is possible to manage I think, with effort and support... You're worth more than any one person's willingness to provide you with love, and you never know what awaits in the future. Just some two cents for you. I'm wishing you best.

 

[fkyou]

He doesn't want a relationship and he doesn't want to be friends.then what does he want sex?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Ah, the eternal dilemma of mankind. I personally think it depends on what your ultimate life goal is: if you want to have a happy, fulfilling, long life, then it's worth it to risk getting hurt, because if you do finally manage to find the right person, the benefits of a good relationship are immense. Not just mentally, but physically; people who are in long-term, committed relationships are physically healthier.

However, if you're planning on CTBing soon, I think it's better to be alone, both for the other person's protection, and your own.

 

[Alexandra0]

It's better to take a risk. Loneliness is very scary. In order to find your love, you need to make some efforts. Lucky are those who quickly find their soulmate. But sometimes it takes many years of searching. I believe that you need to look for your happiness. After all, love is the most important thing in life.
I'm sorry that you are experiencing pain, but please continue to search and perhaps you will find that one person

 

[bankai]

people are complicated. they are also fickle. but the right person does exist for each one. the problem is finding them.

 

[Linda]

I don't know how to keep people close. There's always a reason they leave. I've been protecting myself from feeling anything for anyone. I'm so tired of everything going wrong.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts of CTB. I recently reconnected with someone after a year of no contact. He was responsive, we met up yesterday, and I hugged him for about 5 minutes. He's interested in me but doesn't want a relationship because he just got out of one last year and wants to focus on financial stability.
I told him I'd love to be his friend. Then he stopped replying.
After so long feeling lonely, I finally felt some affection that filled me. And he pulled away. I have BPD, and rejection hurts so much!!! Can't stand being like this.

Most people find that being in a relationship that works is better than being alone. (A relationship that does not work can be worse than being alone.)

I suggest you try again. But before you do that, try to figure out why your past relationships have not worked out. If you can figure that out, and take steps to stop it happening again, the chance that any new relationship will succeed will be much higher.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it probably varies, person to person. I feel pretty ok on my own. Perhaps I would feel better if I was with someone but then, even issues with friendships have deeply hurt me.

I think we have to analyse ourselves too. How do we love? I think I could become very clingy and dependent on another. Maybe not in action- I'd probably try to constrain all that. But, in emotion, I likely would. From experiencing limerence and even close friendships, I know how unsettling it is for me to feel so dependent on another. I really don't enjoy that feeling so, I suppose I've figured it's 'safer' for me to be alone.

For me, it's that combination of- I'd likely want too much from them and, they'd no doubt be unreliable at some point. I don't think it's all that healthy to be alone but then, I don't think I'd 'love' in a healthy enough way for that to be healthy either! The ideal I suppose is to be able to love in a balanced, healthy way and have that reciprocated.

 

[ashendreams]

i cant ever hold on to friends but despite how nauseatingly uncertain it is and how badly it hurts to lose someone and how anxiety-inducing it is to try and make new friends i still think it's always worth it. it's tough but the loneliness of not having a single person to talk to is more crushing than anything else, to me.

 

[TBONTB]

Well, I like "care and risk getting hurt" But, try to figure out the risk...does this seem like a genuinely nice person? Are they kind to others/animal? Do you know anything about how they've treated others they are in relationships with? What is the nature of their mental health struggle and will it lead to especially difficult relational problems. In other words, take smart risks

I don't know how to keep people close. There's always a reason they leave. I've been protecting myself from feeling anything for anyone. I'm so tired of everything going wrong.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts of CTB. I recently reconnected with someone after a year of no contact. He was responsive, we met up yesterday, and I hugged him for about 5 minutes. He's interested in me but doesn't want a relationship because he just got out of one last year and wants to focus on financial stability.
I told him I'd love to be his friend. Then he stopped replying.
After so long feeling lonely, I finally felt some affection that filled me. And he pulled away. I have BPD, and rejection hurts so much!!! Can't stand being like this.

Hugs to you. BPD is so hard. People love you.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I don't know how to keep people close. There's always a reason they leave. I've been protecting myself from feeling anything for anyone. I'm so tired of everything going wrong.

It's been a while since I've had any thoughts of CTB. I recently reconnected with someone after a year of no contact. He was responsive, we met up yesterday, and I hugged him for about 5 minutes. He's interested in me but doesn't want a relationship because he just got out of one last year and wants to focus on financial stability.
I told him I'd love to be his friend. Then he stopped replying.
After so long feeling lonely, I finally felt some affection that filled me. And he pulled away. I have BPD, and rejection hurts so much!!! Can't stand being like this.

I think that's something you have to decide for yourself. Everyone's tolerance for dealing with people abandoning them is different. Personally, I'm leaning towards stay alone.

I mean I'll reach out to people and try to hang out, but I'm not going to try to develop any bonds where if they leave I'll be devastated. I've had one friend leave because of circumstances I can't really talk about here, but he was just a person I hung out with to get out of the house. It sucked when he left, but I don't really miss him too much, as cold as that might sound. I plan on hanging out with a coworker in the same way. I'm not making him my new best friend or anything. I plan on hanging out with him just to get out.

I think that's all I have the energy for atp. Yeah, I'm kinda tired of people leaving too.

 

[Hollowman]

I recently cared about someone after being alone for years. Dumb mistake. Whoever said "there's someone for everyone" was an idiot.