i feel like i'm literally just stupid half the time lol. i have no diagnosis so when i say stuff like "i have autism and adhd" or "i have cpstd", i'm just saying it but i'll never really know for sure. i've been chronically depressed for a long time. since most of my college friends have met me i've struggled with suicidal thoughts or generally thinking that i'm a worthless person. it's hard for me to develop the motivation or attention span to pick up hobbies or do stuff that's fulfilling like read a book. i love watching movies but when i'm in a depressive episode i don't want to turn one on because i'll feel too sad to want to pay attention to it. i'm worse when it comes to school. i feel incapable of doing anything besides elementary math because i feel so anxious trying to relearn it, since i've flunked almost all my math classes. i don't have a job and i go to community college.
in the long summer days where i go a while without seeing anyone or doing anything, i stop existing and just eat, sleep, play video games, and watch youtube videos. it feels like i could go into a coma and die and i'd have the same amount of brain activity i have going on right now. everyone i know seems to be smarter and more capable than me.