Intrusive thoughts or truly just a terrible person?

[dogdrool]

Over the past two years especially, I've been lucky enough to have a handful of people interested in dating me and that chance has come around again. The thing is, all I can think of is how much I want to hurt them or to become codependent or to have us hurt ourselves together or even kill ourselves together, it doesn't matter how long I've known them for or how close we are.

Since I was around 12, I've had thoughts of either just killing somebody close to me or killing them and then committing suicide afterwards. I genuinely don't know how to tell if these are just intrusive thoughts or genuine desires. I feel like a really dangerous person. Sometimes I think that, maybe if I did something really and truly horrible like hurt or killed somebody, the guilt would finally drive me to suicide and sometimes I find that appealing, I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

[Lady_V]

You are not a terrible person because you have (hopefully) not acted on these thoughts. However, these thoughts are not normal and are extremely concerning, you do need to seek help for them.

 

[suicidesergal]

I've learned a few things about intrusive thoughts.

1)
You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are there and exist, but they are not you. You might fantasize admit some things, even awful things. But it's not you. It's your brain.

2)
You can't stop them, but you can accept them and move on. Just like how solely with other conditions accepted and lives south the problems, you can too. It's hard. It's awful. But it's survivable and you can move on.

3)
You are not bad for thinking bad things. Actions, not thoughts, are the definitive marker of a person. This includes not acting on these feelings and thoughts.

Lastly:

You will be okay. I promise.