Venting Intrusive thoughts & Binge Eating

[I Me & Myself]

I hate how having one "bad day" can make me completely spiral into having suicidal ideation. It feels like I'm not even trying, I just stop trying at every minor inconvenience. It's not that I actually want to kill myself (I don't anymore) I just have intrusive thoughts about it and wish I were dead.

At like. Actually minor inconveniences. And then come shitty coping mechanisms like binge eating. Yesterday I ate again until I felt actually nauseas and now my first meal of the day were half a pack of biscuits before I got a grip.

I've been trying to get help I *want* to get help and I want to experience what it's like to actually fully want to live. I want to be at a healthy weight. I think I actually want to live. But my mind tells me otherwise.

I feel like I'm going insane but I've started giving these thoughts names and I feel like they come from different parts inside me. But giving them names just enables this train of thought ...

I'm on the verge of moving away several 100 km and no therapist, no self help group is willing to take me. I tried, I applied. Most asked right away if I would move, some asked a bit later.

I don't even have a fucking apartment yet and I need to have moved by mid october. It's all going awful and instead of actually trying I'm sitting here, binge eating and wishing I were dead. I'm just completely overwhelmed.
Enough fucking rambling I just can't

 

[shampoo sniffer]

I'm a binge eater too.

The best my binge eating ever was was when I was medicated. I used to be on Topiramate which killed my appetite very effectively. Unfortunately that came with other side effects so I had to come off it.