Venting internalized transphobia/homophobia makes me feel embarrassed that i exist

[monetpompo]

i've always admired trans people and gay people that have the courage to be open about their identities, but i cringe any time i have to admit that i'm trans or gay. sometimes i feel like it's all a psyop and i'm pretending, when in reality i wouldn't keep going by a different name and wearing my binder if i didn't want to socially transition. i'm kidding myself. most people still call me she/her because i kind of hate explaining it to people that aren't trans, or to cis guys specifically that'll just use she anyways because they can't see me as a man. thinking about stuff like that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. i hate that i would legitimately go out with a chaser if it meant that he called me the right pronouns. gay guys aren't attracted to me, lesbians and straight guys see me as a woman. i don't know where i fit. everything would make more sense if i was cis.

i find myself wishing that i was a girl all the time, even though i was born as a girl. for a long time i've identified with male characters and seen myself as male, so i don't feel like a girl. i feel weird around girls and i feel weird around guys because i don't "fit in" enough to be either. i see girls in shows, movies, porn, and it's like, "why can't i just repress my identity and become that instead? people would like me more if i looked and acted like that. i would get a boyfriend if i was a girl, because guys like girls." i constantly feel bad and wrong because of my identity, and there's pretty much no trans community where i live. the trans people that i do know are pretty depressed that they live in the suburbs rather than in the city. i've spent most of high school hating myself and most of community college feeling isolated when i thought i would be surrounded by new friends.

i hate wondering if people are transphobic. i hate thinking, "if i just never tell them my pronouns, then they'll think i'm normal". what is normal? what am i implying by thinking that? do i think my trans friends are fucked up and weird, or am i making an exception for myself by saying that only i'm fucked up and weird for my identity? i feel like a fetish or a girl that's trying to be something i'm not literally all the time. i'm constantly aware that no one actually thinks i'm a guy and my sister just calls me he/him because she wants to be supportive. but she'll never see me as masculine as a cis guy. i have girly interests and i like girly things. it makes me feel like such a loser sometimes.

i was in a stationary store with my sister on thanksgiving weekend, and i look up and see a bunch of girls. some sort of sorrow fills me. in my head i think, "will i ever be seen as masculine by anybody? am i just gonna be a shittier version of a girl rather than a guy or a girl?". i'm incredibly jealous of cis men. i have intrusive thoughts about it sometimes. living their lives for them, being cis and straight, understanding my place in the world. being "right" instead fundamentally "wrong" by existing as myself. why was i born if i have to explain the way i want to be perceived by other people? this isn't suffering, not real suffering. i'm just sad that the way i see myself doesn't line up with the way that i was born. i want to have real problems instead.

pronouns are very important to me, because i have more social dysphoria than body dysphoria. my mom calls me a girl and her daughter over and over at home and it kind of fucks with my mental. i see myself as an vague entity or ghost at home and i remember that people still see me as a girl when i go out and talk to people besides my sister. i don't correct anyone, ever, despite pronouns being a big cause of dysphoria for me, because i get more dysphoric when i talk about using different pronouns. i know that i don't pass, so it doesn't feel worth it to say anything. i just feel embarrassed that it still affects me. since the majority of people i know don't know that i identify as a guy, it kind of makes me depressed to know that i don't feel safe or comfortable talking about my identity with other people. i hate feeling so wrong internally. my best friend is nonbinary and amab and i kind of resent them for being what i want to be. sometimes i daydream about becoming them, even though i know it's wrong. i just want to be taller and seen as handsome instead of something cute and small. i just feel like i'm some sort of endearing rodent instead of a person. i hate it. i don't want to be like this anymore.

 

[Chemi]

I understand how doubt and imposter syndrome can make your trans identity feel like a constant battle, especially with social dysphoria hitting harder than physical aspects. Without a supportive friend group and support structure like LGBT communities, it can be quite tough. Which is probably also the reason for your internalized transphobia. If everyone around you reacts like you being a man is a problem, then it is almost inevitable that you start thinking that yourself.

Standing up for yourself in those moments is hard. Really hard. I struggle a lot with that too, even after many years after my coming out. It gets easier with time, but still, it takes a lot of energy out of me. I wish I had a better tip, but all I can tell you is, find LGBT support groups somehow. You need positive experiences that strengthen your mind. And I'm not just talking online ones. Having people IRL support and accept you is such an incredible and validating feeling.

Also, your girly interests don't invalidate your masculinity even a bit. Just do what you enjoy and fuck everyone who tells you otherwise. The good times in life are so rare, so don't let them destroy the little things that still give you happiness <3

 

[U. A.]

You may have already seen this—and realistically it is mostly inapplicable to your circumstance—but if not, and you are bored, I have mused about what's probably the closest shadow of this experience to me.

(and remember, DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB)

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Bit of a tangent... sorry but I really get where you're coming from. I've felt a lot of this myself. That thing where you admire other trans people but feel embarrassed or fake when it's about you? ...Same. My brain loves to tell me I'm pretending even when I'm literally living as myself.
I hate being called the wrong pronouns, but I also freeze up trying to correct people... I honestly learned just to ignore people who know my preferred pronouns but keep fucking them up.
And the isolation... Feeling like everyone sees you as something you're not, like you're too "girl" for guys to see you as a dude, too "guy" to feel like a girl, so you end up in this weird middle space that just hurts. I've had that same "if I was cis this would all make sense" thought more times than I wanna admit.
The jealousy of cis people, the sadness when you see groups of girls or guys and feel like you'll never fit either… I've felt that too. That ache of wanting to be seen the way you see yourself.

And no, you're not "faking it," and you're not weak for struggling. This is real dysphoria. Real pain. I've dealt with the same feelings for most of my life, and it messes with you in ways people don't get.

I don't have perfect advice, but I understand all of it. I've lived parts of it too. You're not alone in this, even if it feels like it.