TearStainedSunsets
The sickness that will never be cured...spreads
- Oct 27, 2024
- 51
So,
I am in a relationship with a pretty stable person. (in comparison that is). He...sleeps. I know, crazy right?
Heres the issue, I have had chronic insomnia for more than half my life. I was diagnosed with "temporary insomnia" when i was a kid, around 10 years old i believe but now as an adult, it was never temporary. I was later diagnosed at 17 with chronic insomnia and thats just it.
I don't want to get into what is causing my insomnia but since im on this forum, you can guess why.
regardless, I'm an insomniac. He's not.
While, this shouldn't be an issue, it has become one. I often lay awake at night for hours on end contemplating suicide and most of the time what i do to get myself out of it is talk to people. Recently, i have made some new friends and I was hoping that this would be the solution to this problem we've had for years. Him going to bed at 9, 11:30 the latest and me staying up every night to at LEAST 3 am and needing someone to get my mind off things but having no one available but unfortunately, somehow, all three of them are normal too. My other partners? well, two of them are dating each other and go to sleep together on the phone and yes ive tried to join them but its just not within out boundaries just yet. My other? well, I wouldn't talk to him about most of this stuff anyway and thats just MY boundary with him.
so...i still have no one i can talk to during those odd hours of the night and I feel myself getting closer and closer to snapping but as ive said, I have 4 partners who need me and i now have friends whom im obligated to talk to and obligated to stay alive for. Things like this were easier when it was just....uh...lets call him Nate. It was easier when it was just Nate and myself because, while I wasn't going to ctb anyway because i wanted to stay here for him, i didnt have so many other people counting on me too.
I'm getting off topic-
anyway, I just can't get rid of this stupid, annoying feeling of rejection when he gets too tired to stay on call or stay up with me and watch shows or movies or read with me in the night. I know its petty andstupid but i just can't get rid of that feeling no matter how hard i try to.
I guess I just needed to write it all out somewhere and ig this was the only place i felt comfortable to post it all yk.
I'm wondering if anyone else has a similar situation going on with their person/people.
Moving on, I just feel shitty. I feel shitty for this situation and i feel shitty for feeling shitty. Like...I know the solution could be as simple as just meeting someone new who also has insomnia and talking to them about everything but that would require another relationship to be built. Another obligation and another person to feel like I need to stay alive for. Granted, I get that now that ive said that, it seems impossible, which it is. I just needed to get it out ig but if you somehow found a loophole somewhere that my fucked up brain couldnt think of giving me a reason why it wouldnt work, please do share.
thanks for listening.
I am in a relationship with a pretty stable person. (in comparison that is). He...sleeps. I know, crazy right?
Heres the issue, I have had chronic insomnia for more than half my life. I was diagnosed with "temporary insomnia" when i was a kid, around 10 years old i believe but now as an adult, it was never temporary. I was later diagnosed at 17 with chronic insomnia and thats just it.
I don't want to get into what is causing my insomnia but since im on this forum, you can guess why.
regardless, I'm an insomniac. He's not.
While, this shouldn't be an issue, it has become one. I often lay awake at night for hours on end contemplating suicide and most of the time what i do to get myself out of it is talk to people. Recently, i have made some new friends and I was hoping that this would be the solution to this problem we've had for years. Him going to bed at 9, 11:30 the latest and me staying up every night to at LEAST 3 am and needing someone to get my mind off things but having no one available but unfortunately, somehow, all three of them are normal too. My other partners? well, two of them are dating each other and go to sleep together on the phone and yes ive tried to join them but its just not within out boundaries just yet. My other? well, I wouldn't talk to him about most of this stuff anyway and thats just MY boundary with him.
so...i still have no one i can talk to during those odd hours of the night and I feel myself getting closer and closer to snapping but as ive said, I have 4 partners who need me and i now have friends whom im obligated to talk to and obligated to stay alive for. Things like this were easier when it was just....uh...lets call him Nate. It was easier when it was just Nate and myself because, while I wasn't going to ctb anyway because i wanted to stay here for him, i didnt have so many other people counting on me too.
I'm getting off topic-
anyway, I just can't get rid of this stupid, annoying feeling of rejection when he gets too tired to stay on call or stay up with me and watch shows or movies or read with me in the night. I know its petty andstupid but i just can't get rid of that feeling no matter how hard i try to.
I guess I just needed to write it all out somewhere and ig this was the only place i felt comfortable to post it all yk.
I'm wondering if anyone else has a similar situation going on with their person/people.
Moving on, I just feel shitty. I feel shitty for this situation and i feel shitty for feeling shitty. Like...I know the solution could be as simple as just meeting someone new who also has insomnia and talking to them about everything but that would require another relationship to be built. Another obligation and another person to feel like I need to stay alive for. Granted, I get that now that ive said that, it seems impossible, which it is. I just needed to get it out ig but if you somehow found a loophole somewhere that my fucked up brain couldnt think of giving me a reason why it wouldnt work, please do share.
thanks for listening.
