willitpass
The awful things we do to make the head go quiet
- Mar 10, 2020
- 3,291
I've been microoverdosing on Tylenol, ibuprofen, and aspirin every day for weeks now. It's a self harm method, not a CTB method, but I'm fully aware of the long term implications. I also have poor health at baseline, as well as an eating disorder and other self destructive behaviors, so at the rate I'm going, if I don't stop it will send me into organ failure. My body is tired from over a decade of me abusing it. I've run myself dry, and while I currently am having too much difficulty overcoming SI to be able to actually CTB, I know that if I continue this I will not be well off. I've not been feeling as much pain from it as I've been desiring, so I've been increasing my doses every few days to be able to feel the pain I am looking for. At this point I'm taking about 8000mg of Tylenol, 3900mg of Aspirin, and 1600mg of ibuprofen a day. Once every week or two I take a massive dose of my heart medications after going off of them in between to cause my heart rate and blood pressure to drop as a further form of self harm. My body is tired. I fatigue so easily. Everything hurts all the time. I'm always dizzy. I'm always nauseous. My head always hurts. I've developed tinnitus. My chest hurts and I get palpitations. Sometimes my vision goes off. I have liver pain daily, it comes and goes in waves. I've got unexplained bruising. I'm tired. My body is tired.
Even though I'm doing it to self harm and not CTB, I've started to indulge in some things that I love where I can. My energy is limited, but I've returned to hobbies I haven't had time for. A lot of them are nostalgic. Similar to things I enjoyed as a child. I don't believe I deserve nice things, and struggle to allow myself to indulge in leisure, but maybe it's my mind telling me it's almost time. I hope I slip into an eternal sleep before the end of the year.
My trauma from my past attempts has made my SI incredibly difficult to overcome, so I hope that I am able to slip away without having to do it myself.
Even though I'm doing it to self harm and not CTB, I've started to indulge in some things that I love where I can. My energy is limited, but I've returned to hobbies I haven't had time for. A lot of them are nostalgic. Similar to things I enjoyed as a child. I don't believe I deserve nice things, and struggle to allow myself to indulge in leisure, but maybe it's my mind telling me it's almost time. I hope I slip into an eternal sleep before the end of the year.
My trauma from my past attempts has made my SI incredibly difficult to overcome, so I hope that I am able to slip away without having to do it myself.
