Venting I'm truly a lost cause.

[alstroemeria55]

I don't think I even have a personality anymore aside from just wanting to die and hating having to exist in this horrible fucking world that only seems to get worse by the year.
There's no point to anything I do, no point in talking to anyone, no point in trying to "improve", whatever the hell that means. Half of my day I just do my work because it's routine and the other half of the day I just think about finally deciding to end it and how miserable I feel no matter what I do and all the memories haunting me that I will never get the real thing back ever again.
I even dreamt that I committed suicide and I was so relieved to feel myself slipping away except I regained consciousness within the dream and I was so disappointed and when I woke up I was confused.
I can't enjoy anything and I can't feel anything apart from sadness and unbearable unfixable loneliness and I can't stand being alive anymore but my SI won't let me fucking kill myself already. My birthday is at the end of the month and I wish I could just not wake up at all next year. I don't want to have to survive another god forsaken year alone and hopeless. Why can't I die already.

 

[cakedog]

Hey i'm on a similar situation only difference is that time is stopping me instead of my si (at least for now)
but i relate to you i also go to bed with the hope of not waking up and live my day in the most absurd routinal way possible because i just can't ctb right now
you're not alone, wishing you peace