I'm too stupid for this world and I just want to die

[Anomaly_death48]

I'm tired. I gave myself a false hope that everything will be better. But that truth was it is difficult to get out on the cycle of isolation and a disconnection with myself, my family, and my peers. Over the time, I always destroy all of the personal relationships that I've build. I was a self-interest and self sabotaging prick. I could never maintain a permanent friends or be likable in general. I matter how easy for me to relationship I could never maintain them. They consistently end after a year and the common denominator is me. I am the only toxic person in the life. I lied, I over promise when I'm happy or when I'm emotional. I don't know how fo handle personal conflicts. I'm a joke because I enrolled a college program that focus on mental health yet my life is falling apart. I'm a fool, I'm an idiot for selfishly thinking that would fix me. I'm s fool because I lasted on this program without any improvement. I'm s hypocrite and I don't feel comfortable yet I have no choice because I didn't think enough and only act impulsively. I lost so much because I only focused on what I was missing. I am a fake friend because I fake my interest on enjoying bl genres,battle games and even animes or whatever is popular to my ex-friends. I fake because I was desperate to have a circle who cares. But I got tired of pretending and everything fell apart. I am a bad person because I take advantage their kindness, I gave them false hope that everything will be piece back when I know I mentally check out. I ghosted many of them because I can't handle conflicts and definitely a coward. I am stupid because I couldn't remember what I learned from the past. My teacher from senior high was correct I don't remember what I learn from the past. I am prideful and arrogant because deep inside I think I am better than everyone. Despite proving time and time again that they are better than me. I am scared to be an adult and I felt like I'm stuck being a mentally retarded petulant child. I become toxic and overly dependent over around me. I'm disgusted of myself inside and outside because I am unorganized, unfunny, lack of self-compassion and self-love. When the glimmer dies death is only on my mind.