orz
Idek anymore
- Dec 28, 2025
- 4
This is more of a dumb word vomit to yell into the void. Im not sure why im posting this.
I have been in therapy on and off from the ages 4—14. At 4 years old my father ctb, ever since that point even before I understood the word suicide I have displayed a want to ctb. It only got worse when at age 9 I was home alone to watch my grandmother suddenly die. From every point after that I believe my life has gotten worse, from being groomed for 5 years (9-14) online by my only "friends" while bullied irl, to harassment, to family issues. I have come to realize I believe my baseline of existence is wanting to ctb, and I only get the occasional moments of joy. I am 18, and I feel too old to be mourned. My death wont matter nearly as much as it wouldve if I was younger. I want to have hope to live, I desperately want to fix myself and be happy. If I could click a switch and not have mild asd, or my siblings to not have severe asd, or for my family to not have addicts and trouble I would click it a million times over. I suppose though my idea of fixing myself is just to fix those I love. I wish my mom and stepdad would give me a hug and tell me I'll be okay, but that wont happen until I have a bad episode and even then it will feel fake. I know they love me deeply, but they have seen me as an adult since I was around 13. I graduated highschool a year early and currently am inbetweens jobs and visibly showing every sign ive shown before attempting. They have not asked if im ok. I know they have given up on caring to a degree. Oh well, nothing can be fixed I guess. I'm not sure why I have this deep want for someone older to be like a parental figure to me. I feel like a weirdo.
Thanks for reading if you did read (im sorry), and I hope yall are doing as okay as you can, and I may not know yall but I hold a place of love and care for everyone of yall on this forum.
I have been in therapy on and off from the ages 4—14. At 4 years old my father ctb, ever since that point even before I understood the word suicide I have displayed a want to ctb. It only got worse when at age 9 I was home alone to watch my grandmother suddenly die. From every point after that I believe my life has gotten worse, from being groomed for 5 years (9-14) online by my only "friends" while bullied irl, to harassment, to family issues. I have come to realize I believe my baseline of existence is wanting to ctb, and I only get the occasional moments of joy. I am 18, and I feel too old to be mourned. My death wont matter nearly as much as it wouldve if I was younger. I want to have hope to live, I desperately want to fix myself and be happy. If I could click a switch and not have mild asd, or my siblings to not have severe asd, or for my family to not have addicts and trouble I would click it a million times over. I suppose though my idea of fixing myself is just to fix those I love. I wish my mom and stepdad would give me a hug and tell me I'll be okay, but that wont happen until I have a bad episode and even then it will feel fake. I know they love me deeply, but they have seen me as an adult since I was around 13. I graduated highschool a year early and currently am inbetweens jobs and visibly showing every sign ive shown before attempting. They have not asked if im ok. I know they have given up on caring to a degree. Oh well, nothing can be fixed I guess. I'm not sure why I have this deep want for someone older to be like a parental figure to me. I feel like a weirdo.
Thanks for reading if you did read (im sorry), and I hope yall are doing as okay as you can, and I may not know yall but I hold a place of love and care for everyone of yall on this forum.
