Decayinganyways
New Member
- Jul 19, 2025
- 3
I Don't Even Know Why I'm Writing This
Today something stupid happened in a game, but it somehow reopened years of stuff I thought I didn't care about anymore.
I joined a random 5-stack in a match in valorant. They said they were just playing for fun. I even told them I barely play the game anymore and mostly play Counter-Strike now. They said it didn't matter.
Everything was fine at first.
Then we started losing.
Suddenly the guy who was being nice started telling me to clutch every round. When I didn't, the tone changed instantly. Then the others started talking too. Laughing, swearing, making dumb jokes, mocking me and saying shit about mr family even making rp jokes. Like a pack of hyenas that smelled blood.
And the weird thing is, it wasn't even the worst thing that's ever happened to me since these games are so damn toxic. But my chest just sank when it started. That feeling is something I know too well.
Because I've felt it before.
I used to get bullied a lot in school. Not just by students, even teachers sometimes. I didn't really have friends for almost a decade. Some people betrayed me, some just disappeared, and most just laughed.
Today was actually the last day of school here. Everyone was invited to a farewell event except me. I only got invited out of pity. During a school trip (my first) people still made fun of me because I don't talk much said shit and bullied me.
At some point you stop reacting.
People think bullying is just jokes or teasing, but it leaves this weird mark on you. Your heart drops the moment you hear that tone again. Even when you tell yourself you don't care.
My family situation hasn't helped either. My dad left when I was younger, though he came back later and now I live with him. My mom treated me badly for years and compared me to him constantly. She started cheating on him too. There's a lot of messy history there that I don't even want to unpack anymore.
My sister barely talks to me and probably hates me. My dad doesn't really have a stable job. Most of the time it just feels like everyone is drifting through their own problems.
Meanwhile the people who treated me the worst seem to have everything — money, cars, friends, attention. Some of them are honestly shallow and cruel, but the world still rewards them.
I used to wonder why.
Why bad people seem to win.
Why the loudest and meanest people get the most attention.
Why kindness or quietness feels like a weakness in this world.
I even tried looking for answers in philosophy or religion. But honestly I stopped caring about explanations.
Maybe the world just is what it is.
Right now my life is basically this:start studying for some souless exam in a shitty third world country, probably fail or barely pass, maybe learn cybersecurity on the side, train calisthenics again, and keep moving.
Nothing heroic. Nothing dramatic.
Just existing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a machine running through a predetermined system. Study, work, repeat.
I used to feel like killing myself but i know i wont be able too so i just gave up
Not suicidal. Not even crying.
Just tired.
I'm not even writing this for sympathy. I don't really expect anyone to care. I think I just wanted to say it somewhere instead of letting it sit in my head forever.
Maybe that's enough.
sorry im new here and dont really use a lot of this app so forgive me if i did something wrong anyways thanks for reading
Today something stupid happened in a game, but it somehow reopened years of stuff I thought I didn't care about anymore.
I joined a random 5-stack in a match in valorant. They said they were just playing for fun. I even told them I barely play the game anymore and mostly play Counter-Strike now. They said it didn't matter.
Everything was fine at first.
Then we started losing.
Suddenly the guy who was being nice started telling me to clutch every round. When I didn't, the tone changed instantly. Then the others started talking too. Laughing, swearing, making dumb jokes, mocking me and saying shit about mr family even making rp jokes. Like a pack of hyenas that smelled blood.
And the weird thing is, it wasn't even the worst thing that's ever happened to me since these games are so damn toxic. But my chest just sank when it started. That feeling is something I know too well.
Because I've felt it before.
I used to get bullied a lot in school. Not just by students, even teachers sometimes. I didn't really have friends for almost a decade. Some people betrayed me, some just disappeared, and most just laughed.
Today was actually the last day of school here. Everyone was invited to a farewell event except me. I only got invited out of pity. During a school trip (my first) people still made fun of me because I don't talk much said shit and bullied me.
At some point you stop reacting.
People think bullying is just jokes or teasing, but it leaves this weird mark on you. Your heart drops the moment you hear that tone again. Even when you tell yourself you don't care.
My family situation hasn't helped either. My dad left when I was younger, though he came back later and now I live with him. My mom treated me badly for years and compared me to him constantly. She started cheating on him too. There's a lot of messy history there that I don't even want to unpack anymore.
My sister barely talks to me and probably hates me. My dad doesn't really have a stable job. Most of the time it just feels like everyone is drifting through their own problems.
Meanwhile the people who treated me the worst seem to have everything — money, cars, friends, attention. Some of them are honestly shallow and cruel, but the world still rewards them.
I used to wonder why.
Why bad people seem to win.
Why the loudest and meanest people get the most attention.
Why kindness or quietness feels like a weakness in this world.
I even tried looking for answers in philosophy or religion. But honestly I stopped caring about explanations.
Maybe the world just is what it is.
Right now my life is basically this:start studying for some souless exam in a shitty third world country, probably fail or barely pass, maybe learn cybersecurity on the side, train calisthenics again, and keep moving.
Nothing heroic. Nothing dramatic.
Just existing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a machine running through a predetermined system. Study, work, repeat.
I used to feel like killing myself but i know i wont be able too so i just gave up
Not suicidal. Not even crying.
Just tired.
I'm not even writing this for sympathy. I don't really expect anyone to care. I think I just wanted to say it somewhere instead of letting it sit in my head forever.
Maybe that's enough.
sorry im new here and dont really use a lot of this app so forgive me if i did something wrong anyways thanks for reading
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