I’m so fucked.

[kitkat9234]

Pretty much. My landlord just told me that they are having a realtor come in on Friday to start the process of listing the property. She said she is just trying to get some numbers but most likely they are going to sell.

I'm a disgusting scumbag and my place is a mess. My dead ex boyfriend left me with a bunch of shit and I have no way of getting rid of it. Honestly I would need a dumpster and I have no money or anyone to help me.

So I'm pretty much going to get evicted. I'm so embarasssd about the state of my apartment but my mental and physical ailments make keeping up with everything overwhelming. Ive let it go for too long. And now I'm probably going to get evicted. I have a month to month lease so it will be easy for them to not renew and just kick me out. I don't know what to do.

I have no money to hire movers, first, last rent, security deposit for a new place. Plus there's nothing else within my price range and haven't seen anything that accepts cats. Im barely affording this place. I hate that my dead ex boyfriend manipulated me into moving in with him in the first place I'm so fucked. He's probably laughing up at me from hell.

And now my cat is coughing…. It's always fucking something I swear.

So I'm probably going to be forced to kill myself but I have shitty methods. I have two years worth of Lunesta prescribed sleeping pills. My only hope is to take as much as possible with anti nausea pills and a shit ton of alcohol. I know its doomed to fail. Was going to combine that with a hot car nap to enduce heat stroke but I fear I missed my chances as the weather is getting cooler. Either that or try to drown myself while under the infulence. That probably won't work either so I'm really fucked.

I just feel bad for my daughter. She literally is better off without me. Severely mentally physically ill drug addict scumbag.

I don't know what to do. I wish someone would just kill me already.

And yes before anyone says it I'm a low life scumbag and my daughter deserves better.

 

[idiotmother]

This sucks, I'm sorry.

 

[kitkat9234]

This sucks, I'm sorry.

Thank you I appreciate it. I did it to myself although it got out of hand pretty fast. I just don't know what to do. I'd rather try to CTB again instead of being homeless. It's a lose lose for my daughter though. I had no business bringing a life into this world given my condition although I was a lot better then. I'm so fucked and my poor daughter. She's literally better off without me. She has a new mom anyway. This is fucking awful.

 

[idiotmother]

Thank you I appreciate it. I did it to myself although it got out of hand pretty fast. I just don't know what to do. I'd rather try to CTB again instead of being homeless. It's a lose lose for my daughter though. I had no business bringing a life into this world given my condition although I was a lot better then. I'm so fucked and my poor daughter. She's literally better off without me. She has a new mom anyway. This is fucking awful.

I'm also a mom to a daughter who deserves so much better. It's heartbreaking . I was also better "back then." Many people on this forum are judgmental of parents wanting to CTB, which makes sense on one hand. On the other hand, horrible things can happen to anyone at anytime in life regardless of if you have a child or not but these people seem to forget that. It's not fair to the child, no, but life hasn't been fair to us either and some shit is completely out of our control. Pisses me off actually. If my situation was dire and unbearable I wouldn't be here, and I'm sure you feel the same.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm also a mom to a daughter who deserves so much better. It's heartbreaking . I was also better "back then." Many people on this forum are judgmental of parents wanting to CTB, which makes sense on one hand. On the other hand, horrible things can happen to anyone at anytime in life regardless of if you have a child or not but these people seem to forget that. It's not fair to the child, no, but life hasn't been fair to us either and some shit is completely out of our control. Pisses me off actually. If my situation was dire and unbearable I wouldn't be here, and I'm sure you feel the same.

I feel like I am doing more harm to her by being here. Deadbeat severely mentally physically ill scumbag emotionally unavailable empty shell of a person who I used to be. She deserves someone better. I didn't always used to be like this.

The past three years I have been on a downward spiral. Im on so much medication that doesn't help and gives me so many side effects. Makes me a zombie. I wish I could go back in time. She had so much promise and I fucked everything up.

I just need to die. I wish I had better methods. I don't want to do this anymore. Thank you for your reply it means a lot. And yes I know I will be judged for this.

I just want to know why God, the universe or whoever enabled me to be like this, in this situation. Like wtf. There were times that I could have died yet I'm still here. For what? To do more harm to my daughter? To spend the rest of this miserable life alone suffering? Like why is this my life right now? I feel like I'm cursed.

This is a sign I recently saw. This black cat just staring at me. Like I just so happened to look over and see it. Like there was a hex put on me

 

[idiotmother]

I literally feel the exact same way as you do, I feel cursed. Also an empty shell of who i used to be, and a far cry from the fun mom my daughter cherished. I'm also on medications that are hurting me and making me suicidal, but coming off them gives me severe Akathisia that doctors don't believe me about. I was forced on risperidone and then seroquel and also take klonopin. This is all after being in Effexor withdrawal. It's just absolutely wicked, I definitely pissed the wrong people off and I know who. They definitely cursed me, the spiral has been swift and traumatizing for me and my family. And brain chemistry doesn't just heal, it's so complicated :((. How could I be blessed with such an amazing child and then succumb to medical induced mental illness? It's horrible, my daughter will be so scarred by what I do but I don't feel I have any other choice.

That cat picture is pretty funny though, basically saying

 

[kitkat9234]

I literally feel the exact same way as you do, I feel cursed. Also an empty shell of who i used to be, and a far cry from the fun mom my daughter cherished. I'm also on medications that are hurting me and making me suicidal, but coming off them gives me severe Akathisia that doctors don't believe me about. I was forced on risperidone and then seroquel and also take klonopin. This is all after being in Effexor withdrawal. It's just absolutely wicked, I definitely pissed the wrong people off and I know who. They definitely cursed me, the spiral has been swift and traumatizing for me and my family. And brain chemistry doesn't just heal, it's so complicated :((. How could I be blessed with such an amazing child and then succumb to medical induced mental illness? It's horrible, my daughter will be so scarred by what I do but I don't feel I have any other choice.

That cat picture is pretty funny though, basically saying

I've been on every single combination of meds possible and nothing helps. Currently one of the meds im taking seroquel and it's awful. So I can relate. Made me gain like 60 lbs. I used to be around 120lbs and now im 184. In less than a year. I'm 5"3 so so I do not carry it well it's so depressing, I used to be so attractive and these meds ruined me. Physically and mentally. And the prescribers don't care. Must be nice to be normal. Making so much money off of me.

Seroquel has also caused me severe dry mouth to the point I feel like suffocating so here take another medication for that yay more meds. Was on Effexor, prestiq, Zyprexa abilify etc etc etc. have never been on so much meds and they are mostly for the side effects. I have permanent tartive dyskinesia that is awful. Have experienced akathisia which is also horrible so I can def relate there. I'm sorry you are suffering so bad with it as well. It's truly horrible.

Sounds crazy but there was this "witch" on Instagram and I had her read my cards once. I had also subscribed to her Patreon account but when my ex boyfriend drank himself to death I had to cancle it as I could no longer afford it. I had actually purchased some crystals from her too so I have that in my apartment. I feel like me unsubscribing pissed her off and she put a hex on me. And that I pissed God off because I technically went to an "idol". I know this sounds crazy lol.

But yeah that black cat looked right into my soul. I feel like she sent it. And it's crazy I just so happened to look that way. I've had another black cat on my porch and crossing my path when I was driving. Not sure if it's the same one. I used to have a black cat growing up and didn't think twice about it. But now I have so many fucked up signs.

Sorry I'm rambling. And thank you for your reply. I wish things were better for you. Sending hugs.


If I get evicted I'm going to have no choice but to CTB. Or at least try again. I just wish I had a more reliable method. Because if I fail again I will be even more worse off if that is even possible. If I get evicted that's just a sign from God, the universe or whoever telling me I need to die. Probably my ex boyfriend haunting me from hell. I wish I never got involved in the first place. I was doing ok before him.

 

[idiotmother]

I also have an ex drinking himself to death, he's my child's father and I'm also on seroquel . I believe in witches and stuff like that , obviously not the Halloween type, but curses are real. You never know when you're pissing off the wrong person until it's too late. I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it's absolutely awful. I hate seroquel so much, but am scared to come off it. The withdrawal effects are horrendous and they don't just go away, they stick around until god knows when. It's so, so scary, I definitely relate to all you're saying.