I am just screaming into the void here
I turned 18 in December of 2024, but since then, I feel like I've aged 20 years. My life devolved into what I always feared it would so quickly after turning 18, and I have never been more suicidal. I know I can't predict the future, but if the past is any indication of how the future might unfold, then it's not looking promising.
I have been suicidal for a long time, longer than I can remember. But it really started to get worse as I entered high school, around 14/15. I was an obese child, and I grew up in a very complicated family situation with abuse on all sides. I generally felt trapped. I had turned to food to cope with my shitty home life and social prospects. Being a fat, awkward kid I was able to get by socially with a small group of people but I never really was able to break into dating, sports, or any type of genuine community.
During the pandemic, starting at 13 years old, I became conscious of the way I was using food to cope with life and the way I was morbidly obese, rapidly eating myself into type 2 diabetes the way my mother had. I had seen her lose weight and put it back on many times before, so I embarked on what I didn't yet know would be the start of a lifelong journey of being trapped by what I have no other words for than a DEMON living in my head, creating never-ending patterns in my life. I'm addicted to weed, food, porn, sex, and anything at all that I can distract myself with.
Every month or so, for as far back as 13, I've lived in a cycle of set goals for yourself, make good progress on those goals, get kind of close but get bored and never touch the goal, fall into a depressive state for a month or two where I just do drugs, neglect responsibility, neglect self care, overeat, spend all my money and neglect all my relationships, then go back into goal reaching mode but never for quite long enough to ever do anything with myself. I had literaslly lost 85 lbs, looked great, felt so much better, actually developed a social life and moved into a high school that you had to test into and offered me many opportunities to academic and career success, but I blew all of it being stuck in these stupid cycles. I had lost all the weight and became very attractive, but I gained all of it back stuck in these stupid cycles.
In the past the result of doing this few weeks on my game, few weeks off my game cycle was a net positive-- the progress I made always seemed to outweigh the backtracking. 3 steps forward, 1 step back. But over time as more responsibility and stress piled onto me, it became 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. And then 3 steps forward, 3 steps back. And now, 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't try to do anything, because why would I? I've never been able to make due on a single long term promise to myself in my fucking life. I barely even want to try anymore, because the pattern is so predictable and feels so out of my control,why the fuck would I? It all just gets worse anyway! I just get further behind my peers in life, more dissapointing to my parents, fatter, more addicted, on harder drugs, more poor, less put together,I keep LOSING friends and connections, with NO BREAK!!!
I was given less than a year to truly enjoy myself in life! I was young, in a good school, doing college classes at the university on the side, receiving admiration and praise from my peers and superiors for academic excellence and just looking good and having it all together. I had a large network of friends who felt like family, the type of group where we all made each other as our wallpapers, I felt free and like I could do anything! Everything looked up and I thought I was only going to improve and have more fun. And I was still suicidal then, but not as much as I am now!!!
I don't even go in public anymore. I need to get my hair cut because as usual I let myself go in another area of life, and now its overgrown ridiculous and unmanageable. I have no future career prospects. I make more money than all my peers and yet I'm broke because I cannot make myself stop spending. I have lost 90% of my connections. The depressive episodes get longer, the manic episodes are nonexistent, and the stability comes less and less. I work a dead end warehouse job while everyone else goes off to college. If everything else wasn't bad enough, trump is fucking president. I haven't been able to clean my room or my car in months, it's a mess. I don't even wanna try and go back to school because I don't trust that I'm going to follow through with it, I barely even graduated high school. I'm not built for this world. I can't fucking do this. The only reason I don't CTB already (i know where to get fentanyl when I need it) is because I couldn't stand to inflict that pain on my mother, so I'm hanging on for her, but when she goes I'm going to swallow my fentanyl pills and go to sleep.
I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!
It's ridiculous because I have so much privilege and I have had everything I ever need to achieve the very few seemingly realistic goals that should be perfectly achievable in my life. I'd like to think I'm intelligent enough to pursue a career in nursing, that I know everything I need to know in order to manage my money right, that I could control myself and stop binging, that I could control myself and stop smoking weed, and that I could actually stick to working out for more than 2 months to actually see progress and feel confident enough in myself to have a social and dating life, but I've ran out of hope. I don't come from money but I still have more opportunities than a lot of people on this earth can say they have. Some people come from nothing and go farther than I have, some people have nothing and go nowhere and are still happier than I am. I have all my physical needs met and so many opportunities to do something with myself yet I just don't and my self doesn't listen to what I try to make it do. I should not be miserable, but I am. I cannot wait for the day death comes to collect me and gives me my glorious relief from this hell. I don't believe in God but sometimes I wonder if I've already died and gone to hell. Every day I wake up and wait for it all to be over.
And in a few weeks, right on schedule, I'm sure the pendulum will swing the other way and I will be filled yet again with a delusional sense of false hope, doomed to repeat the same cycle that I've concluded is inescapable at this point. I'm sure I'm really gonna do it this time, I'm really gonna save my money this time, Mhm most definitely really gonna get it together and stop smoking and stop binge eating this time, trust me, believe me!!!!! FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
I turned 18 in December of 2024, but since then, I feel like I've aged 20 years. My life devolved into what I always feared it would so quickly after turning 18, and I have never been more suicidal. I know I can't predict the future, but if the past is any indication of how the future might unfold, then it's not looking promising.
I have been suicidal for a long time, longer than I can remember. But it really started to get worse as I entered high school, around 14/15. I was an obese child, and I grew up in a very complicated family situation with abuse on all sides. I generally felt trapped. I had turned to food to cope with my shitty home life and social prospects. Being a fat, awkward kid I was able to get by socially with a small group of people but I never really was able to break into dating, sports, or any type of genuine community.
During the pandemic, starting at 13 years old, I became conscious of the way I was using food to cope with life and the way I was morbidly obese, rapidly eating myself into type 2 diabetes the way my mother had. I had seen her lose weight and put it back on many times before, so I embarked on what I didn't yet know would be the start of a lifelong journey of being trapped by what I have no other words for than a DEMON living in my head, creating never-ending patterns in my life. I'm addicted to weed, food, porn, sex, and anything at all that I can distract myself with.
Every month or so, for as far back as 13, I've lived in a cycle of set goals for yourself, make good progress on those goals, get kind of close but get bored and never touch the goal, fall into a depressive state for a month or two where I just do drugs, neglect responsibility, neglect self care, overeat, spend all my money and neglect all my relationships, then go back into goal reaching mode but never for quite long enough to ever do anything with myself. I had literaslly lost 85 lbs, looked great, felt so much better, actually developed a social life and moved into a high school that you had to test into and offered me many opportunities to academic and career success, but I blew all of it being stuck in these stupid cycles. I had lost all the weight and became very attractive, but I gained all of it back stuck in these stupid cycles.
In the past the result of doing this few weeks on my game, few weeks off my game cycle was a net positive-- the progress I made always seemed to outweigh the backtracking. 3 steps forward, 1 step back. But over time as more responsibility and stress piled onto me, it became 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. And then 3 steps forward, 3 steps back. And now, 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't try to do anything, because why would I? I've never been able to make due on a single long term promise to myself in my fucking life. I barely even want to try anymore, because the pattern is so predictable and feels so out of my control,why the fuck would I? It all just gets worse anyway! I just get further behind my peers in life, more dissapointing to my parents, fatter, more addicted, on harder drugs, more poor, less put together,I keep LOSING friends and connections, with NO BREAK!!!
I was given less than a year to truly enjoy myself in life! I was young, in a good school, doing college classes at the university on the side, receiving admiration and praise from my peers and superiors for academic excellence and just looking good and having it all together. I had a large network of friends who felt like family, the type of group where we all made each other as our wallpapers, I felt free and like I could do anything! Everything looked up and I thought I was only going to improve and have more fun. And I was still suicidal then, but not as much as I am now!!!
I don't even go in public anymore. I need to get my hair cut because as usual I let myself go in another area of life, and now its overgrown ridiculous and unmanageable. I have no future career prospects. I make more money than all my peers and yet I'm broke because I cannot make myself stop spending. I have lost 90% of my connections. The depressive episodes get longer, the manic episodes are nonexistent, and the stability comes less and less. I work a dead end warehouse job while everyone else goes off to college. If everything else wasn't bad enough, trump is fucking president. I haven't been able to clean my room or my car in months, it's a mess. I don't even wanna try and go back to school because I don't trust that I'm going to follow through with it, I barely even graduated high school. I'm not built for this world. I can't fucking do this. The only reason I don't CTB already (i know where to get fentanyl when I need it) is because I couldn't stand to inflict that pain on my mother, so I'm hanging on for her, but when she goes I'm going to swallow my fentanyl pills and go to sleep.
I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!
It's ridiculous because I have so much privilege and I have had everything I ever need to achieve the very few seemingly realistic goals that should be perfectly achievable in my life. I'd like to think I'm intelligent enough to pursue a career in nursing, that I know everything I need to know in order to manage my money right, that I could control myself and stop binging, that I could control myself and stop smoking weed, and that I could actually stick to working out for more than 2 months to actually see progress and feel confident enough in myself to have a social and dating life, but I've ran out of hope. I don't come from money but I still have more opportunities than a lot of people on this earth can say they have. Some people come from nothing and go farther than I have, some people have nothing and go nowhere and are still happier than I am. I have all my physical needs met and so many opportunities to do something with myself yet I just don't and my self doesn't listen to what I try to make it do. I should not be miserable, but I am. I cannot wait for the day death comes to collect me and gives me my glorious relief from this hell. I don't believe in God but sometimes I wonder if I've already died and gone to hell. Every day I wake up and wait for it all to be over.
And in a few weeks, right on schedule, I'm sure the pendulum will swing the other way and I will be filled yet again with a delusional sense of false hope, doomed to repeat the same cycle that I've concluded is inescapable at this point. I'm sure I'm really gonna do it this time, I'm really gonna save my money this time, Mhm most definitely really gonna get it together and stop smoking and stop binge eating this time, trust me, believe me!!!!! FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
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