Surek02
Матушка-земля, белая берёзонька
- Aug 26, 2025
- 18
Hey, folks.
I just want to share my thoughts, and I feel more comfortable doing it here.
I avoid personal interaction. I don't know how long it's been going on. I used to have a couple of people I talked to, and we chatted for a long time, but then it all stopped, and I don't remember why. Was it my doing? Or did it just happen? Maybe it was painful for them to watch me go through my depression? I don't know.
I numb my loneliness by consuming all sorts of content from the internet, as well as by chatting on various sites. The fact that I live with my family also helps a bit. My family is no prize, of course, but I love them anyway.
---
Anyway, what's this all about...
Sometime around the end of 2024, some guy started messaging me. I told him right away that I wasn't looking for personal interaction, but he kept writing to me, sending memes, etc. He said I was a "chill dude" I felt... awkward? Instead of more firmly asking him to stop writing to me, I just stayed silent. I limited myself to one-word answers or just reacting (
) to his messages.
If he had just come out of nowhere, I think that would have worked. But we were in the same Discord server, and unlike in DMs, I'm quite happy to chat on the public channels. So it looked like I'd talk to him in public, but not one-on-one. Stupid, isn't it?
I couldn't keep this up forever, and over time I started to chat with him a little in DMs (even though it sometimes annoyed me). Nothing serious, just news, jokes with memes, sometimes we'd exchange opinions.
This went on until tonight.
Tonight, I was in the mood to ask questions. Just all sorts of questions, from silly to inappropriate. So I DMed him.
Everything was fine, we were talking about all sorts of shit.
But then he decided to share his feelings about this girl he'd confessed his love to.
Lol, I don't know if there's any point in writing about this, but he'd just fallen hard for her, and she told him she wasn't ready for a serious relationship but continued to talk to him. And no, I didn't have any romantic feelings for this guy.
I joked that he'd fallen in love like a schoolgirl and asked if that needed any commentary, after which he wrote, "maybe you have some personal experience?"
And what experience do I have? None, really. Just negative.
Back in "college," I fell for a classmate who was straight, and I still went and confessed to him. Of course, he turned me down.
At least I didn't have any problems after that (I mean bullying and stuff like that).
Anyway, I briefly wrote about that, and then for some fucking reason, I added that for a guy like me, with my depression and anxiety, even doing something like that was almost unthinkable.
BUT WHY? FOR WHAT? WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Anyway, he... ignored that part? To be honest, I think I felt relieved about that.
We discussed his crush a little more. I joked that it was pretty funny to discuss relationships with someone who has a boykisser pfp, considering we're talking about a girl, and that I probably couldn't support him much.
The conversation ended with him sending a Silksong meme, to which I replied that people didn't wait for Half-Life 3 as much as they're waiting for this game.
I'm lying. It didn't end. But right now, I wish it had ended just like that.
...for some reason, he quoted one of his own messages (about his crush) and wrote, "Okay, I'll drop the subject. Seems like you're not comfortable with this at all."
I replied that it was no big deal. Something along the lines of, "Yeah, the experience was negative, but just forget about it." I finished by adding that I wasn't going to dump my problems on him. (lol)
He replied with a cat gif. He could have said nothing, he could have written "alright, got it.", but instead, he sent a stupid gif with a stupid, clueless cat that doesn't get what's being said to it.
Something inside me just broke, and I was furious.
He probably really did want to drop the subject so as not to hurt me, but I took it differently. I took it as if he just wanted to drop the subject for whatever reason, and "being concerned" about me was a good excuse. Like I was just being used.
I didn't insult him, but I did call him out on it. He wrote that we should both probably go to sleep because "this is going somewhere weird." And he went offline.
And I... I just started writing out my thoughts to him:
I wrote about how stupid this all was. That if it wasn't for that "concerned" message about me, none of this shit would have happened. I expressed surprise that we'd sent around 3,000 messages in total. I remembered that it had been a very long time since I'd exchanged that many messages with anyone. I quoted my own message where I said I wasn't looking for interaction, and his message where he said I was "chill dude". I wrote that under my pfp isn't some cute furry or a "chill dude" but a person who's broken on the inside. I blamed him for continuing to write to me even though I didn't want him to. I apologized for the negativity. I wondered if I would have dumped all this shit on him if I had been the one to start the conversation. I thanked him for writing to me and sending me memes, even though it sometimes pissed me off. I blamed myself, saying I should have "shut him down" more harshly at the very beginning.
At the end, I wrote that he can do whatever he wants with this shit, and that it's up to him to decide - whether he'll keep writing and sending me memes, or stop writing to me altogether.
And I sent a couple of cute pictures to hide this whole wall of text from my (and his) screen.
---
I felt awful. And ashamed. I don't understand my emotions. I don't understand why this even happened. I proved to myself once again that I'm unstable, that I have mental issues, and that I should continue to avoid personal interaction.
I cried, but only a little, and it brought me no relief.
I try to keep all my negativity buried as deep as possible. My thoughts, my emotions, my worries.
Because of that, I cry very rarely. And when I do, in my own thoughts, I keep telling myself over and over that I need to stop...
Since the tears brought no relief, I decided to make myself some sweet tea.
While it was steeping, I replayed it all in my head again and came to the same conclusion I've come to many times before.
I'm a child. My body is an adult's, but inside, I'm still a child. And this child is scared, very scared. He doesn't understand why this is happening to him; he's in pain.
This child wants to go back, back to a time when nothing was demanded of him. To a time when he lived carefree and enjoyed life, without thinking about all this shit.
And that's when I truly cried, without any self-reproach. I felt better.
---
If anyone has read this stream of consciousness to the end, I apologize for this "wall of text." I've long since forgotten how to write properly, and instead, I write like I'm in some kind of messenger app.
And who knows how a AI will translate all this...
P.S: I laughed while checking this translation. Oh gods, that was so stupid xD. That guy must have been like, "WTF?". Anyway, I'm sorry that it happened. He didn't deserve that.
I just want to share my thoughts, and I feel more comfortable doing it here.
I avoid personal interaction. I don't know how long it's been going on. I used to have a couple of people I talked to, and we chatted for a long time, but then it all stopped, and I don't remember why. Was it my doing? Or did it just happen? Maybe it was painful for them to watch me go through my depression? I don't know.
I numb my loneliness by consuming all sorts of content from the internet, as well as by chatting on various sites. The fact that I live with my family also helps a bit. My family is no prize, of course, but I love them anyway.
---
Anyway, what's this all about...
Sometime around the end of 2024, some guy started messaging me. I told him right away that I wasn't looking for personal interaction, but he kept writing to me, sending memes, etc. He said I was a "chill dude" I felt... awkward? Instead of more firmly asking him to stop writing to me, I just stayed silent. I limited myself to one-word answers or just reacting (
) to his messages.If he had just come out of nowhere, I think that would have worked. But we were in the same Discord server, and unlike in DMs, I'm quite happy to chat on the public channels. So it looked like I'd talk to him in public, but not one-on-one. Stupid, isn't it?
I couldn't keep this up forever, and over time I started to chat with him a little in DMs (even though it sometimes annoyed me). Nothing serious, just news, jokes with memes, sometimes we'd exchange opinions.
This went on until tonight.
Tonight, I was in the mood to ask questions. Just all sorts of questions, from silly to inappropriate. So I DMed him.
Everything was fine, we were talking about all sorts of shit.
But then he decided to share his feelings about this girl he'd confessed his love to.
Lol, I don't know if there's any point in writing about this, but he'd just fallen hard for her, and she told him she wasn't ready for a serious relationship but continued to talk to him. And no, I didn't have any romantic feelings for this guy.
I joked that he'd fallen in love like a schoolgirl and asked if that needed any commentary, after which he wrote, "maybe you have some personal experience?"
And what experience do I have? None, really. Just negative.
Back in "college," I fell for a classmate who was straight, and I still went and confessed to him. Of course, he turned me down.
At least I didn't have any problems after that (I mean bullying and stuff like that).
Anyway, I briefly wrote about that, and then for some fucking reason, I added that for a guy like me, with my depression and anxiety, even doing something like that was almost unthinkable.
BUT WHY? FOR WHAT? WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Anyway, he... ignored that part? To be honest, I think I felt relieved about that.
We discussed his crush a little more. I joked that it was pretty funny to discuss relationships with someone who has a boykisser pfp, considering we're talking about a girl, and that I probably couldn't support him much.
The conversation ended with him sending a Silksong meme, to which I replied that people didn't wait for Half-Life 3 as much as they're waiting for this game.
I'm lying. It didn't end. But right now, I wish it had ended just like that.
...for some reason, he quoted one of his own messages (about his crush) and wrote, "Okay, I'll drop the subject. Seems like you're not comfortable with this at all."
I replied that it was no big deal. Something along the lines of, "Yeah, the experience was negative, but just forget about it." I finished by adding that I wasn't going to dump my problems on him. (lol)
He replied with a cat gif. He could have said nothing, he could have written "alright, got it.", but instead, he sent a stupid gif with a stupid, clueless cat that doesn't get what's being said to it.
Something inside me just broke, and I was furious.
He probably really did want to drop the subject so as not to hurt me, but I took it differently. I took it as if he just wanted to drop the subject for whatever reason, and "being concerned" about me was a good excuse. Like I was just being used.
I didn't insult him, but I did call him out on it. He wrote that we should both probably go to sleep because "this is going somewhere weird." And he went offline.
And I... I just started writing out my thoughts to him:
I wrote about how stupid this all was. That if it wasn't for that "concerned" message about me, none of this shit would have happened. I expressed surprise that we'd sent around 3,000 messages in total. I remembered that it had been a very long time since I'd exchanged that many messages with anyone. I quoted my own message where I said I wasn't looking for interaction, and his message where he said I was "chill dude". I wrote that under my pfp isn't some cute furry or a "chill dude" but a person who's broken on the inside. I blamed him for continuing to write to me even though I didn't want him to. I apologized for the negativity. I wondered if I would have dumped all this shit on him if I had been the one to start the conversation. I thanked him for writing to me and sending me memes, even though it sometimes pissed me off. I blamed myself, saying I should have "shut him down" more harshly at the very beginning.
At the end, I wrote that he can do whatever he wants with this shit, and that it's up to him to decide - whether he'll keep writing and sending me memes, or stop writing to me altogether.
And I sent a couple of cute pictures to hide this whole wall of text from my (and his) screen.
---
I felt awful. And ashamed. I don't understand my emotions. I don't understand why this even happened. I proved to myself once again that I'm unstable, that I have mental issues, and that I should continue to avoid personal interaction.
I cried, but only a little, and it brought me no relief.
I try to keep all my negativity buried as deep as possible. My thoughts, my emotions, my worries.
Because of that, I cry very rarely. And when I do, in my own thoughts, I keep telling myself over and over that I need to stop...
Since the tears brought no relief, I decided to make myself some sweet tea.
While it was steeping, I replayed it all in my head again and came to the same conclusion I've come to many times before.
I'm a child. My body is an adult's, but inside, I'm still a child. And this child is scared, very scared. He doesn't understand why this is happening to him; he's in pain.
This child wants to go back, back to a time when nothing was demanded of him. To a time when he lived carefree and enjoyed life, without thinking about all this shit.
And that's when I truly cried, without any self-reproach. I felt better.
---
If anyone has read this stream of consciousness to the end, I apologize for this "wall of text." I've long since forgotten how to write properly, and instead, I write like I'm in some kind of messenger app.
And who knows how a AI will translate all this...
P.S: I laughed while checking this translation. Oh gods, that was so stupid xD. That guy must have been like, "WTF?". Anyway, I'm sorry that it happened. He didn't deserve that.
)
