Venting Im scared

[PurplePerson]

I replayed ddlc recently for some reason, and if just sparked all the thoughts again.



I'm scared of myself, and I don't know what to do.



I tried to write poems but they turned out bitter. I tried to talk to friends but I couldn't bring myself to tell them how sad I feel. I need to be the happy one. They have more important problems that I need to help them through. I don't think I could ever in my entire life get help with this, but I'm scared of what I will do to myself tonight. I found my sharp thing and I want to use it when everyone in my house goes to sleep. I will use it, I can't be stopped at this point. I can't control my actions right now, that's the only reason I'm back on this site. I don't know what I need. Maybe for someone to tell me I'm stupid or overreacting, maybe to actually talk about what's wrong, or maybe to end it already and get it over with. I don't know

 

[cursedlife]

I also feel scared when thinking about suicide I fear I might end up a vegetable with debilitating brain damage (full suspension hanging) that's why I keep pushing the date of my suicide every single day .

 

[PurplePerson]

I also feel scared when thinking about suicide I fear I might end up a vegetable with debilitating brain damage (full suspension hanging) that's why I keep pushing the date of my suicide every single day .

My heart hurts every time I think about ctb. I don't know if it's because it's what I really want, or if it's the fear of loosing everything. But recently I've been getting a rush from thinking about all the ways to do it. I shouldn't get too into detail. It's pretty weird of me.

 

[highheelhell]

i really understand that feeling. its like your conscious and unconscious are pulling in different directions, and in my case it feels like ill split at the seams.

do you trust any of those friends? id imagine theyd be happy to step in to keep you calm and in control. friends like to help.

 

[PurplePerson]

i really understand that feeling. its like your conscious and unconscious are pulling in different directions, and in my case it feels like ill split at the seams.

do you trust any of those friends? id imagine theyd be happy to step in to keep you calm and in control. friends like to help.

I can't trust anyone anymore. I told a friend about me planning to, yk, last year, and they called the school. Then the school called my mom. And my mom just told me it was my fault I felt that way.

Maybe it is my fault. I don't know, I don't want to be yelled at by my mom again, so I don't want to take any chances. Besides, I don't want them to waste their time worrying about me.

 

[PurplePerson]

We want to cease xisting not kill ourselves thats the problem. no one wishes to off themselves its just a result of pure pain. deep down we know if things were different we wouldnt be this miserable. i feel u so deeply

The thing is, I do wish to off myself. I deeply really want to. I get a big thrill just thinking about all the ways I could. Isn't that silly? The only think holding me back is how much of a pussy I am, haha.

 

[highheelhell]

I can't trust anyone anymore. I told a friend about me planning to, yk, last year, and they called the school. Then the school called my mom. And my mom just told me it was my fault I felt that way.

Maybe it is my fault. I don't know, I don't want to be yelled at by my mom again, so I don't want to take any chances. Besides, I don't want them to waste their time worrying about me.

i understand that much, sometimes people panic and try whatever they can. can really feel like a betrayal, even if its well-meaning. it really doesnt sound like your fault at all.

i also get not wanting to bother anybody. like it can be too hot for someone to handle, not out of any malice. either way, having a moderating voice can always help keeping one's faculties in order.

 

[PurplePerson]

i understand that much, sometimes people panic and try whatever they can. can really feel like a betrayal, even if its well-meaning. it really doesnt sound like your fault at all.

i also get not wanting to bother anybody. like it can be too hot for someone to handle, not out of any malice. either way, having a moderating voice can always help keeping one's faculties in order.

I'm sure I'll find someone I feel comfortable venting to someday. For now tho, it feels good to just talk about it in forums like this. It makes me feel a-okay for a couple hours!

 

[highheelhell]

I'm sure I'll find someone I feel comfortable venting to someday. For now tho, it feels good to just talk about it in forums like this. It makes me feel a-okay for a couple hours!

so real, im glad it helps! the only reason i keep the account around is the day i really crash every couple months.

that hope things go ok bestie i hope you do find that someone soon

 

[Jadeith]

I tried to write poems but they turned out bitter

That's isn't wrong. It's called "vent art" and, in general, is not meant for general audience. In some cases for no audience at all. It's ok.

I tried to talk to friends but I couldn't bring myself to tell them how sad I feel.

Yup. Opening up is one hell of an achevement and it is bloody difficult. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

They have more important problems that I need to help them through.

Your problems are as important as theirs and it is ok to ask for help. Especially your friends, if they truly are your friends. Double especially if you help them with theirs. But they won't be able to help you if you won't share your problems with them.

I found my sharp thing and I want to use it when everyone in my house goes to sleep.

Please don't. Cutting is considered non-method due to very low chance of success and quite high chance of leaving you in pain and disabled.

I can't control my actions right now, that's the only reason I'm back on this site.

Shhhhhhh, shhhhhh it's ok. You got this. (virtual headpats included)

I don't know what I need. Maybe for someone to tell me I'm stupid or overreacting, maybe to actually talk about what's wrong, or maybe to end it already and get it over with.

See? You know what you need. And it is ok to ask your close ones for it. You are not stupid. You are in distress. Nothing stupid about it.

 

[PurplePerson]

That's isn't wrong. It's called "vent art" and, in general, is not meant for general audience. In some cases for no audience at all. It's ok.

Yup. Opening up is one hell of an achevement and it is bloody difficult. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Your problems are as important as theirs and it is ok to ask for help. Especially your friends, if they truly are your friends. Double especially if you help them with theirs. But they won't be able to help you if you won't share your problems with them.

Please don't. Cutting is considered non-method due to very low chance of success and quite high chance of leaving you in pain and disabled.

Shhhhhhh, shhhhhh it's ok. You got this. (virtual headpats included)

See? You know what you need. And it is ok to ask your close ones for it. You are not stupid. You are in distress. Nothing stupid about it.

Well your a bit too late on the cutting part, haha. I don't really do it to ctb, just to let me feel the pain I deserve.

 

[Jadeith]

just to let me feel the pain I deserve.

I found nothing in your posts so far, even remotely suggesting that you deserve to suffer. I understand that pain makes your brain divert some other way but nothing indicates such severity of your transgressions to actually justify any kind of torment. And no, existing and being sensitive and delicate soul do not deserve punishment. On the contrary, you should be shielded, not preyed upon.

 

[Alpacachino]

And my mom just told me it was my fault I felt that way.

Damn.That's so silly. It can't be our fault. No one wants to feel this way, ever by choice. What's wrong with these people?