I'm Scared.

[GetReadyy]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-downfall-story.175550/

I don't want to die, but I was raped right after my family's death and I still haven't gotten over the psychology it caused me, it's been almost a year.

I'm lonely. My friends distanced themselves from me after what I experienced. My relatives didn't see me again after my family's funeral because they thought I was crazy. I wanted to go up to the terrace a few times and jump, but I was very scared. A few weeks ago, I hung myself with a rope, but the knot came loose. In the few seconds I was on the rope, I wanted to give up and tried to get rid of the rope I had put around my neck. I don't know what to do, I'm very scared... I'm standing here trying to find courage. I cry every night

People can get over what they have experienced after a few months. Why can't I? I want everything to end, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I'm so afraid of dying. I refuse to eat. I have no money left. I used to buy cotton candy with my mommy and go to the amusement park to celebrate my birthday. I recently turned 19 This year I had no one with me on my birthday, so I bought myself a small cake and blew out the candles while crying

I wish there was someone to kill me instead of me.
I wish my family hadn't died

 

[Pale_Rider]

I have complete empathy for your pain. It doesn't go away In a few months. I'll just tell you the truth; it does get better as you live with it, and especially talk about it with somebody, but it does linger. I'm sending positive vibes to you.

 

[Manic Panic]

Losing someone so close to you and then being taken advantage of in the most horrible way ... can really mentally fuck you up hun. I lost a boyfriend and was raped shortly after and the only thing that numbed my pain was substance abuse(which I do not recommend). The best thing to do in your situation is to find like minded people who understand your struggles and to seek professional help . You are not alone even if it feels like you are , you aren't.

 

[getoutgirl]

That's brutal and terrible to read. I can relate to that fear and desire to die, but I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel to be traumatized like that, the loss and at such a young age and then people turning their backs on you... You must be going through hell and you don't deserve any of that I'm so sorry. The aftermath sounds horrible too and I don't think you owe anyone to "get over it" in just a few months, nor that if you haven't that's your fault or wrong or not normal. It's a Lot what you have gone through, much more than a lot of people have and in such a short time...
I'm at a loss for words I'm sorry it really struck me. Again I'm really sorry, we are here for you in any capabilty that could make it feel a lil better for you, please vent whenever you feel like, please try and remember none of that is your fault, and I'm sure there are other people out there who have sadly gone through similar situations, you can find them and that can help. All my virtual hugs and love to you <333333333

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I have no words. You are a hero.

 

[GetReadyy]

Losing someone so close to you and then being taken advantage of in the most horrible way ... can really mentally fuck you up hun. I lost a boyfriend and was raped shortly after and the only thing that numbed my pain was substance abuse(which I do not recommend). The best thing to do in your situation is to find like minded people who understand your struggles and to seek professional help . You are not alone even if it feels like you are , you aren't.

I have never smoked, drank alcohol or used any other substance before. However, after what happened, I started drinking heavily. I can't sleep any other way, I have nightmares every night. That monster had come to my door before. I am always alone at home, when the doorbell rings, I open it in fear or act as if I am not home. However, I feel like alcohol encourages me, but not enough to commit suicide

 

[Manic Panic]

I have never smoked, drank alcohol or used any other substance before. However, after what happened, I started drinking heavily. I can't sleep any other way, I have nightmares every night. That monster had come to my door before. I am always alone at home, when the doorbell rings, I open it in fear or act as if I am not home. However, I feel like alcohol encourages me, but not enough to commit suicide

Alcohol will slowly push you to want to try .

 

[GetReadyy]

That's brutal and terrible to read. I can relate to that fear and desire to die, but I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel to be traumatized like that, the loss and at such a young age and then people turning their backs on you... You must be going through hell and you don't deserve any of that I'm so sorry. The aftermath sounds horrible too and I don't think you owe anyone to "get over it" in just a few months, nor that if you haven't that's your fault or wrong or not normal. It's a Lot what you have gone through, much more than a lot of people have and in such a short time...
I'm at a loss for words I'm sorry it really struck me. Again I'm really sorry, we are here for you in any capabilty that could make it feel a lil better for you, please vent whenever you feel like, please try and remember none of that is your fault, and I'm sure there are other people out there who have sadly gone through similar situations, you can find them and that can help. All my virtual hugs and love to you <333333333

I was afraid of what would happen if I went to the police. I miss my mom so much. I wish none of this had happened, I wish I had died with my family. I feel like they were with me just yesterday and today they have abandoned me. Everything feels so new. Why was I raped when I needed help the most? Why is all this happening to me? I just want everything to end. I am so scared. If there is a God, why is he making me go through this? I feel so pitiful... Everything is my fault, maybe if I had resisted more he would have left me. He threatened me even though he knew everything I had been through. He raped me. Maybe I am responsible for my family's death. I want to disappear. This life is not for me. Why am I writing this on this site right now while crying? Why don't I talk to my friends about which party I'm going to?

 

[bankai]

That's a very harsh hand life has dealt you at your age. I'm sorry for the loss of your family. There are unfortunately quite many opportunists of there looking to take advantage of people. I hope you recover and come out strong.

 

[getoutgirl]

I was afraid of what would happen if I went to the police. I miss my mom so much. I wish none of this had happened, I wish I had died with my family. I feel like they were with me just yesterday and today they have abandoned me. Everything feels so new. Why was I raped when I needed help the most? Why is all this happening to me? I just want everything to end. I am so scared. If there is a God, why is he making me go through this? I feel so pitiful... Everything is my fault, maybe if I had resisted more he would have left me. He threatened me even though he knew everything I had been through. He raped me. Maybe I am responsible for my family's death. I want to disappear. This life is not for me. Why am I writing this on this site right now while crying? Why don't I talk to my friends about which party I'm going to?

I don't know if you or someone has said this already if so I'm sorry but have you contacted any SA or rape support lifelines, resource centers, groups or meetings yet? I am convinced there must be some in your area and as other users stated they can help tremendously just finding and relating to people who have sadly gone through what you have. Please do check those out if you haven't. They can make it less miserable, and I'm sure any of that is appreciated.
It also breaks me whenever I read you I'm sorry. I believe every word you are feeling. I do Not believe any of that is your fault. It is not, objectively. You are not at fault for any of that, not responsible nothing period. I'll repeat it how many times, I know it will take a lot more for you to believe it and I understand why that trauma makes you think that. Whenever you can, don't let that hate turn against you, fuck whoever raped you I hope only the worst for him. I will shut up now but please, try and find those groups when you can. All my hugs to you <33333333333333333

 

[Alek1=]

Im so sorry. I know how it is being scared and not knowing how to get help. No money, no will to live, but still scared to die, always scared. If you want help, even monetary I can send some help. But in the end you have a choice, you can still try, sometimes it gets better. Good luck, i hope you can find your happiness

 

[GetReadyy]

Im so sorry. I know how it is being scared and not knowing how to get help. No money, no will to live, but still scared to die, always scared. If you want help, even monetary I can send some help. But in the end you have a choice, you can still try, sometimes it gets better. Good luck, i hope you can find your happiness

I hope everything will be okay.. Reading what people write here and realizing I'm not alone makes things a bit more bearable. Thanks so much for your kind thought