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S

Santana Idaho

Member
Dec 16, 2024
36
I just got of a short text convo with my brother. He abused me when we were little, and years ago I brought it up to him so he could have a chance to apologize, but instead he became defensive. But not just defensive; he was angry. He felt like I victimized him by calling him an abuser. But I chose to move forward anyway. For the past few years, we've gotten into tense disagreements over his lack of empathy and disregard for my sensitivities and emotions, period. I don't understand him, and he doesn't understand me. It's like he's one of those people who hates being called bad words but doesn't care to stop doing the bad things.

I've posted before about my situation with my mother and late dog -- seen in my post history.

My mother was talking about getting a puppy version of our late dog and naming them the same name. Disgusting.

The first time I told him, he reacted appropriately.

But today...

I saw that my sister who also had a dog pass had just gotten a new puppy that she gave her late dog's name to. I was appalled. Because my mother had been talking to her about doing this, I am now afraid that it will happen. I texted my brother saying this if it happens, then I will just leave and be homeless. I wouldn't be able to stand that.

He just told me to get over it and get an apartment.

Like I didn't tell him days ago that I was filing for bankruptcy.

That set me off, and now we're both mad an insulting each other. He's just so mean.

I only had him and my friend from treatment. My friend is right wing but not a Trumpet; I'm a progressive socialist. We became close because we're very much alike in personality. But these ideological differences have kept us apart for over a year, so we just update each other a few times a year. I can't take him anymore. Not now that I'm at my lowest and emptiest. My father, my kitten, my dog... Everyone I lived for all my life is gone.

Now I'm alone.

I can't dupe myself this time. LIke, "Oh, I can just offload some of the top of my problems on them. Just so I don't overflow. They don't want to hear all the deep stuff."

There's no one left. I'm alone.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: grey.skye, darksouls and Dejected 55
Dejected 55

Dejected 55

Enlightened
May 7, 2025
1,552
You describe an unfortunately somewhat common thing. Random tangent example... if you call someone who isn't a racist, a racist, they will probably defend themselves earnestly because no one who is NOT a racist wants to be lumped in with that group... but they won't get angry. They will just defend. BUT... dare call an actual racist a racist, because you know they said racist things... those fuckers will be MAD as hell and shit will probably fly.

There was also a South Park episode years ago when there was a series of people coming forward being abused by Catholic priests... on the show, there was a gathering of priests trying to figure out what to do about the problem... only... the "problem" they wanted to solve wasn't the abuses... but rather people coming forward and talking about the abuse.

People who do shady shit don't wand to be told they did shady shit. I'm not a general fan of forgive and forget... definitely not the forget part. I don't think you have to forgive anyone you don't want to forgive. But, a caveat... I find it hard to keep a grudge. Maybe if the harm done to me is traumatic enough... but generally I have a hard time maintaining that energy level to hold that grudge. But... I don't forgive... or forget... I just eventually find a way to let it go. Sometimes I'm reminded, and it will hurt like a mother fuck... but it goes away quicker than when the original thing happened.

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you. Some people are just shit people and you're better off without the interaction. I hate being alone. But... I've had shit friends... either they used me or basically ignored me except when convenient for them or they just weren't there when I needed them to be there... I've learned to just not try to have friends. I'm still friendly to strangers, but I'm not trying to make new friends. It isn't worth the impending disappointment.

My loss that I have no workaround is the lack of ever being in a relationship. I'm not jealous of bad ones... but I have never been in one at all... and that loneliness is weighing on me over the years to the point now where I'm done. I can almost deal with the crap world we live in and the shit people in it... but not alone, not anymore. I need backup. I need the ride or die support that I would reciprocate in a loving relationship. Without that, I don't have it in me to just exist and survive anymore.

So I understand.
 
S

Santana Idaho

Member
Dec 16, 2024
36
You describe an unfortunately somewhat common thing. Random tangent example... if you call someone who isn't a racist, a racist, they will probably defend themselves earnestly because no one who is NOT a racist wants to be lumped in with that group... but they won't get angry. They will just defend. BUT... dare call an actual racist a racist, because you know they said racist things... those fuckers will be MAD as hell and shit will probably fly.

There was also a South Park episode years ago when there was a series of people coming forward being abused by Catholic priests... on the show, there was a gathering of priests trying to figure out what to do about the problem... only... the "problem" they wanted to solve wasn't the abuses... but rather people coming forward and talking about the abuse.

People who do shady shit don't wand to be told they did shady shit. I'm not a general fan of forgive and forget... definitely not the forget part. I don't think you have to forgive anyone you don't want to forgive. But, a caveat... I find it hard to keep a grudge. Maybe if the harm done to me is traumatic enough... but generally I have a hard time maintaining that energy level to hold that grudge. But... I don't forgive... or forget... I just eventually find a way to let it go. Sometimes I'm reminded, and it will hurt like a mother fuck... but it goes away quicker than when the original thing happened.

I don't know if any of that is helpful to you. Some people are just shit people and you're better off without the interaction. I hate being alone. But... I've had shit friends... either they used me or basically ignored me except when convenient for them or they just weren't there when I needed them to be there... I've learned to just not try to have friends. I'm still friendly to strangers, but I'm not trying to make new friends. It isn't worth the impending disappointment.

My loss that I have no workaround is the lack of ever being in a relationship. I'm not jealous of bad ones... but I have never been in one at all... and that loneliness is weighing on me over the years to the point now where I'm done. I can almost deal with the crap world we live in and the shit people in it... but not alone, not anymore. I need backup. I need the ride or die support that I would reciprocate in a loving relationship. Without that, I don't have it in me to just exist and survive anymore.

So I understand.

"Fun Fact": Churches are heavily encouraged to purchase CSA insurance. I'd laugh if it were still 2003.

I'm the same. Kind of. I had to Google "grudge" to make sure I'm accurate. The wrong a person has done will always be a part of our relationship. It might be a self-esteem thing. I don't know. I've always been shamed out of liking anything about myself. I'm desperate. It's hard to completely cut someone off to the point that I don't even know when it's good for me and when it's not.

The trigger phrase: "I'm bad at texting."

It doesn't make sense to be bad at on-demand communication.

You can text me back when you're taking a shit.

One of parts of therapy I always hated was being told that I can't heal alone. I need to make friends. Create a support network. How silly. Let me just go to the friend store to buy some friends. I hope some good ones are on sale. If that's it, I'm SOL. And therapy is meant to be temporary, anyway. None of them think it's helpful to dig into my past.

The thing, though, is that my trauma is a part of my identity. To live a day without the thought of death would take a change of who I am. Who of any of these people could do that? And they keep saying I'm distorted. Like, pull your head out of your ass. You're living in Plato's cave.

Reminds me trying to explain to my PMHNP how people can have such different life experiences that switching bodies would make them feel as if they were living on an alien planet. He couldn't understand; he just said rich people are just like everybody else. Upper middle class dolt.

I don't dream of friends anymore, either. Just a partner so I can experience a relationship full of loving actions. Not just words. But it's hard to masturbate unless I'm high because I just think about how alone I am and how pathetic it is that I'm doing it to a fantasy of being intimate with someone I briefly knew for a short period of time. It was the first romantic connection I'd had since breaking up with my high school boyfriend -- the only one I've ever had.

I have a Doomsday ring from a store called Little Rooms https://littlerooms.com/products/doomsday-necklace
The necklace version is all they have now I guess.
Goddamnit, going to that store for the link reminded me why I'm in bankruptcy. Part of it.

It's just sad.

I wanted to be one of the happy ones.

It feels like it was never possible in the first place. Born 6 weeks early into a family that already hated me. Why even go to the hospital? Should've just let me die.

A few months ago, I took one of my shoe laces to see what it would feel like to do one of the methods that would cut off blood flow at your carotid. I just slowly pulled to feel the tension and pressure and placement. I have a vivid imagination when it comes to emotions. (why I love acting) I imagined finally doing it. Dying in a random motel room. Alone. And doing it to myself. The end of the life I lived. And this was all it was.

And I cried.

It was terrifying to imagine dying. But the deepest feeling, and I feel it now, is the abject sadness. My life was nothing. How sad.
 

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