Discussion I'm not exactly a "suicidal" person, but suicide is my only option. Anyone else in the same boat?

[joaosembraco12]

My story is long and full of nuances, twists and turns and everything else. But for the record, I think most people here suffer from depression and want to kill themselves, but that's not the case with me. It's not an ordinary, happy life, but it's tolerable, I don't have episodes of extreme sadness or anything. I'm incel and neet, I have autism level 2, I've tried to work and have a normal life, but I couldn't, it's extremely difficult and anguishing for me, not only because of the inability to work, but it's not worth it, my life is too bad, lonely, sad and monotonous to "make an effort" and have commitments, I don't know if anyone has been through this, but I have no motivation to have a common wageslave life. I have no technical or intellectual skills (maybe I do, but nothing of market value) and I'm worthless, with a low IQ and no future. Anyway, what has made my life " tolerable " ( in many quotation marks) is isolating myself to deal with the suffering, I stay at home all day on the internet, sometimes I do some hobbies, I eat fast food and other junk food, I smoke... I've given up on living, I'm a walking dead person, waiting to kill myself. I don't know what I'm going to do when my parents die, I'm thinking of killing myself, they're old and they're supporting me with their retirement. I don't know what to do. I know I just sounded like a bum in the story, but I swear, I promise you that I tried to socialize, to be happy, to date, to work, but the depression always consumed me. I'm afraid I won't have the courage when the time comes.

 

[J&L383]

I'm sorry life has not been kind to you. I know you feel worthless and without a future. But just reading your words helped me feel a little bit more connected to someone, despite having never met you. And for at least that reason you do have value and worth. Thank you for sharing. We are all in this mess together,.

 

[BlooBerryBanjo3000]

I don't know if anyone has been through this, but I have no motivation to have a common wageslave life.

Me either. Never have, never will. It's my main reason for committing suicide.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I also lack the motivation to live a regular wage-slave life, and I'm at peace with it most of the times. I simply find extremely difficult to tolerate any obligation, and I can't find reasons compelling enough to try to overcome it and adapt to this life.

 

[quietwoods]

I feel a decent bit of what you said. I am autistic and struggle with a job, though I've managed to keep one down. This is getting tougher though as my mind is starting to slip.

The people who are extremely depressed are just the vocal majority. There are a number of other people here that want to CTB due to other reasons, like health or just being tired of life. I'm in that second camp.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry for your situation

send you love

 

[idiotmother]

I relate a lot to what you said. Also dependent on parent and feel useless. Hold on to those things that bring you joy; can you feel joy or just slightly less sad when you're doing hobbies?. You're not a bum for not being able to live up to societal expectations, but I also feel the same about myself. I wish life wasn't so complicated like this.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I've done the wage save life and it's not enough even if you get pretty high up. This isn't the boomer generation where we can buy a house, car, raise 2.5 children with a stay at home wife and save just by parking money in a saving account and letting it accrue interest.

One of my biggest disappointments was getting a my first big promotion and looking at my first check. I had calculated my new take home pay and what I was going to be able to do with the money and it wasn't there. After having a trusted co-worker look over my pay stub (something your not supposed to do) he solved the problem. I was in a new tax bracket! My reward for studying, good performance, trustworthiness and skills was I got to be a bigger tax pig. At that point I realized there isn't a huge financial difference in being a barista or a high level IT tech aside from heath benefits.

And saving isn't enough either. You have to know how to do all kinds of investing magic. You can't just be a good artist, craftsman, engineer etc, you also have to be a full time money manager to get anywhere.

I'm not suicidal by nature. I just don't want to play this game any more.

 

[bankai]

I understand OP. I know you tried. It's not your fault. It's just how we're wired. Incomplete and broken. I'm sorry.

 

[who doesn't matter]

Well, most people here are depressed much like me. The reason is pretty simple.....we are cornered and don't have any card left to play. In my case, I "have" to die....I am all out of options. I won't dare to live for what future holds for me

 

[LetMeOut67]

I'm in a similar checkmate position. Almost certainly on the spectrum.
My parents departed in recent years but I still have siblings.
I don't have to work, or be around people I don't want to be around , and I have lots of free time , but it's not enough.
I don't see it as a big deal if someone wishes to discontinue this state of being they didn't ask for. I don't consider that many people on this planet truly live or have real choice. Most are wage slaves whose souls die a little bit more every day.

 

[Hollowman]

When my mom dies I'm screwed. It's either ctb or starve and die on the street. The former sounds way better.

 

[DTA]

I attempted suicide by cop. I SWATed myself. Long story short it got me over 10 years in prison.

In prison I accepted the futility and pointlessness of life and my depression vanished. I learned what I want from life and how to live happily.

The irony is that I'm now subject to federal supervised release, and literally EVERYTHING I love that makes me happy is off-limits. The only legally-permitted lifestyle is the very lifestyle that originally drove me to suicide, only now much worse. None of the things I want to do are illegal, but on supervised release the government can impose any limitations they want on you.

So now I find myself wanting to live, but with such a bleak future I feel I have no choice but suicide.

Honestly, I'm fine with that. That's how it all began anyway.

 

[enough of this]

For me, I really do believe it's the best option. I've never been a fan of firearms. In fact, I would prefer to not even see a gun. But, my original plan - to CTB with all my pain and anxiety meds I have - statistically, has a very low success rate, like, 2 to 3%. From the same statistic chart, one is 86% likely to succeed with a gun (I would have thought it would have been much higher, like, 98%).

Of course, the medical, pharmaceutical and mental-health industries want to keep the body alive as long as possible, regardless of pain and suffering of the patient. SURE they do. That's their bread and butter. When I choose to CTB, I want to go as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I don't know when that day will come, but I know it will one of these days. The more societal, political, religious, economic BS I see, the closer that day becomes.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I resonate with this. Autism is hell. I wish more of us could get together to collectively CTB in community so we can be free together.

 

[Novaaa]

From what you're saying, you're experiencing symptoms of depression. I hope you feel better these days.

Hugs, Paula.

 

[zixd]

worst thing is that you should and need to ctb

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm 30ish/F with autism level 1 and bipolar. I totally feel this. Professionals and family think I'm suicidal because I'm having a bipolar episode, but I started planning my ctb while I was completely stable. It's just that even under the best of circumstances, I'm still miserable in this world and I think it's mostly from having autism.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Autism level 1 here and it is hell. Don't fit in anywhere or with anyone, work is horrific no matter how many different workplaces I jump around to. Everyone either dislikes me or just thinks I'm a weirdo who is not worth interacting with.

 

[enough of this]

W

Autism level 1 here and it is hell. Don't fit in anywhere or with anyone, work is horrific no matter how many different workplaces I jump around to. Everyone either dislikes me or just thinks I'm a weirdo who is not worth interacting with.

We have a lot in common. I deal with autism, too. It's been a struggle all my life. Everything you wrote fits me to a "T."

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Autism level 1 here and it is hell. Don't fit in anywhere or with anyone, work is horrific no matter how many different workplaces I jump around to. Everyone either dislikes me or just thinks I'm a weirdo who is not worth interacting with.

Exactly. My dream would be autistic communities where we would have tiny homes but share financial costs - it could involve us sharing kitchens, but definitely having our own space. I don't know if living with other autistic people would be tough but I know that living and working with neurotypical people is destroying me.

 

[wham311]

Yea exactly same position here.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Exactly. My dream would be autistic communities where we would have tiny homes but share financial costs - it could involve us sharing kitchens, but definitely having our own space. I don't know if living with other autistic people would be tough but I know that living and working with neurotypical people is destroying me.

That's a cute idea. Unfortunately in my case, other autistic people also dislike me. Some of us are too autistic even for those who are supposed to understand and empathize with us.

 

[Cashewmilk]

That's a cute idea. Unfortunately in my case, other autistic people also dislike me. Some of us are too autistic even for those who are supposed to understand and empathize with us.

Yeah I feel totally left out too! I'm a marginalized and deeply traumatized autistic who is so fucking weird and insane, and it's seen as distasteful and not pretty or quirky or something to be proud of like how it's depicted online, or trendy or cool etc. I'll never be able to get help, there's waiting lists and horrible doctors where I live and I can't afford care at all, being a cool autistic is trendy now so the waiting lists are clogged by high functioning successful people who want validation and don't need much support like I do. So I think the only option is to kill myself, seriously, I need to just kill myself already and find a tall building with hard concrete.