Venting I’m lost and don’t know what to do anymore.

[songsongsong]

This is just a tangent from myself, but I genuinely don't think I'll make it in life. It's so frustrating how I AM doing amazing right now, but there's just this feeling of dread that fills me anytime something good happens to me. I don't feel right for it. I have never truly thought something was for ME. I could imagine anyone else in the world that would fit my accomplishments in life but myself. Whenever I reflect and look at myself, all I see is a lost cause. Someone who could disappear into thin air, and have the world just move on. I have close friends and family, I have a good life, I have good relationships with my peers and teachers, but I have never felt deserving of any of it. It honestly confuses me how I've lived such a privileged and good life, yet feel this way. I feel like I could snap and drop any day, and fall into a pit I won't ever be able to leave. Once I fall, I won't get up, and be stuck in this mud I set up myself, while everyone else moves on and discovers themselves and their purpose. I haven't found a purpose yet, and I feel like I won't ever find one. I tell people I have all these hobbies and passions in my life, however in the past year they have been slipping away from me. I used to be so creative and draw with my whole heart, but I can't even bring myself to look at a blank canvas anymore. I used to be so motivated into learning anatomy and pushing myself to become a nurse, but I have lost my motivation to study. While everyone else progresses, I'm left stagnant. Seriously, I don't know why I've turned out like this. I let my insecurities eat me up and leave me with nothing but my thoughts and feeling of disappointment. I really don't know what I should do anymore. I've lost myself, and I'm so scared to reach out to my close ones. I know that if I say anything, their view of me will be permanently changed. It's a little ironic how I want change so badly to happen to me, yet prevent myself from the fake front I put on to ever come off of me. It's late, and I'll probably feel better when I sleep, but I thought it'd be nice to just vent in a place where others have similar situations and issues as me.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

First and foremost u deserve all the good things in your life, your accomplishments are only your own and all the pain, lack of purpose u are feeling shapes and shaped u to who u are, the only one that deserves the spot of your accomplishments and your life is you. If u disappeared the world would obviously move on but it wouldnt be the same even this vent is something that im going to remember and i remember others on this forum who unfortunetly had to CTB and its not the same, the world moves on but u have already made a print and impact on life of others and those will remember you. U might snap but that doesnt inherently mean that u cant get out of it, it can be a new beginning where u might find your purpose. There is enough time to find a purpose sometimes people find it at 40-60 its hard to know what even is your purpose in the first place but its findable it might not be some great thing u will know that yes this is it and can feel thats it your purpose, maybe when u will be dying u will look back at your life and see that this thing was your purpose. Just because everyone else progresses doesnt mean that its a thing u have to do or what will make u happy we dont always progress in life its not a graph that always goes up, there are up and downs and stagnations. Give yourself to time thats the best thing u can do, think about what make's u happy, dont force yourself to do things u dont enjoy anymore we all change directions and there are not a lot of people who can say they have life figured out even more when u are young. Much love and good luck in the future hope u will find what u are looking for whatever it might be quickly

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hey. I think you are quite young, maybe 17-18 or in college. I think the things you are feeling are totally normal. It's a time of life when the things that felt certain: who you are, what you want to do, what the world is like, what you enjoy and even the way you think and feel, can start to be put into question. It can feel like you have no idea at all who you are and what you should do in life, while at the same time feeling enormous pressure to know these things, and also feeling like everyone else has them already figured out.

I never felt as old and hopeless and without a future as I did at 18. Up until that point the road ahead had been clear. Everything was pointing in one direction. Then suddenly the future and your identity gets blown wide open. It's scary.

Please give yourself some time. Society will make you believe you should have everything figured out already. That is just not true. You have barely begun to be in the world and to discover yourself. You may not feel like it, but you're really so so young.

If you see people your age who seem confident and put-together, probably inside they are equally lost and confused as you. They're just better at masking it, or else have chosen to follow an established easy path, or to follow other people's expectations of them.

Becoming yourself and knowing what to do with this life can take a long time. It's a beautiful process, but also painful. Periods where you feel malaise, emptiness, discomfort and uncertainty don't feel good. But they can drive you to discover and do amazing things, and learn more about yourself and the world.

You don't have to keep the same hobbies and career goals. You can pursue other things. Maybe some time in the future you'll rediscover them.

At this point in your life you don't have as much experience of the way life changes, how there are seasons where you feel completely lost and in pain, but also seasons of excitement, and seasons of contentment.

Don't give up on life and yourself now because you are going through a normal part of life. Give yourself the kindness and grace to NOT KNOW: who you are, what you are doing, and where you are going. Give yourself permission to do what you want to do and leave behind things that you don't want anymore, without dragging them with you as a guilty burden. Spend time with yourself, with other people, and with the world.

Just don't give up so young. Suicide is not the place for you just now. Even though we have these thoughts, we don't have to feed them. I don't often think or say this, but I think this site is a dangerous place for you. You are not out of options, out of time or out of hope. Please just be kind and gentle with yourself. You are enough, being alive is enough. You don't have to live up to any image that you or anyone else has of you. You don't have to achieve anything. Just live. Take care

Also, it's OK to reach out and say we are struggling. It's actually a good thing to learn to take off your mask and be vulnerable. I am sure people will not judge you 1/100th as harshly as you are judging yourself.

 

[Reindropz]

It's the same for me. It's like, my life is not shit, it's just that I'm a shit person. I can't seem to find any motivation to study, like i had these big dreams and now I keep getting told that I am all bark and no bite whenever I score low. Tho, I have managed to cling to my art by only copying easy art that I see online. It doesn't require as much creativity or skill from me, which means I'm able to create smt that I don't immediately throwing away