Help I'm happy yet I still want to die

[cookiencream]

Life has been feeling lighter since my meds have started working. I've even gotten a really sweet boyfriend who sort of struggles with depression too and we've both been good support for each other. But weirdly enough all this makes me want to die. That's weird isn't it, if the only reason I wanted to die was that life sucked, life isn't sucking anymore so why do I still want to die.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Life has been feeling lighter since my meds have started working. I've even gotten a really sweet boyfriend who sort of struggles with depression too and we've both been good support for each other. But weirdly enough all this makes me want to die. That's weird isn't it, if the only reason I wanted to die was that life sucked, life isn't sucking anymore so why do I still want to die.

I get you, even if things are "working out" life still feels meaningless… hope you just live one day at a time, with little plans and simple accomplishments like eat something good or watch a movie that you like… I'm trying this for the past few days (hate holidays) and it's kind of working…

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I think I can relate to this, although to a lesser degree. I'm also in a happy relationship and am fairly content with my circumstances, but I still think about ways to CTB somewhat often. If I was randomly offered an instant painless death, I'd probably take it still. I never saw suicide as an inherently bad thing so I guess things don't have to be awful for death to be preferable. It's also possible wanting to die has become a habit we've internalized from years of having a shitty life, and that doesn't just disappear when the original cause does. For instance, if somebody attacks you when you're walking down the street at night, that's going to affect how you perceive your surroundings far after the immediate threat is gone. I wonder if the desire to CTB is the same.

 

[orpheus_]

Same. I mean, I have moments of hope and "life is decent" now, but there are weeks when they change into absolute meaninglessness and will to end everything. It's like a wild animal, completely out of touch with my life circumstances. I guess that's why it's framed as depression and called a mood disorder. Not always being able to see the good things on all levels, even if everything seems fine from the outside. It's like, your brain cannot hold onto these good things. Yet.

What *did* help me was actually that, framing it as an illness, which can be improved with what is considered "treatment", I mean going to therapy, taking meds (for a longer time - months, even years sometimes are needed to stabilize), sleeping at proper hours and eating enough and socializing and all that boring ass shit. As much as I hate it. As much as pathetic it sounds... Yeah, this is what lessens existential pain. Not entirely but I see a difference. And giving it time. Honestly. Give yourself time (... although it is, indeed, frustrating, feeling like it's out of your control)

 

[cookiencream]

I get you, even if things are "working out" life still feels meaningless… hope you just live one day at a time, with little plans and simple accomplishments like eat something good or watch a movie that you like… I'm trying this for the past few days (hate holidays) and it's kind of working…

That's what I'm trying to do, but when I'm not distracting myself this weird sort of panic sets in where I desperately want to die.

What *did* help me was actually that, framing it as an illness, which can be improved with what is considered "treatment", I mean going to therapy, taking meds (for a longer time - months, even years sometimes are needed to stabilize), sleeping at proper hours and eating enough and socializing and all that boring ass shit. As much as I hate it. As much as pathetic it sounds... Yeah, this is what lessens existential pain. Not entirely but I see a difference. And giving it time. Honestly. Give yourself time (... although it is, indeed, frustrating, feeling like it's out of your control)

I've also been trying to view it as a sickness separate from myself. Weirdly enough it helps a lot but causes its own problem. I think I may have trauma from being abandoned because of this "sickness" no matter how I try to rationalize it. So whenever I get signs I'm still "sick" I feel this sort of panic that it'll be noticed by those I care about and I'll be abandoned again...even if I'm trying so hard to get better (cause that also happened before). I want this sickness gone. I can't stand the isolation

 

[AdaSmiles]

It's also possible wanting to die has become a habit we've internalized from years of having a shitty life, and that doesn't just disappear when the original cause does.

Here!