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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
i've been thinking about this for some time now; i am 23 and have been suicidal since i was 13, 3 suicide attempts in my life (two ODs , one drowning) and a self harm incident that landed an ER visit a week ago.

i've never been a huge drinker before but i've been drinking liquor every night and smoking a lot. i put my cigarettes out on myself sometimes and cut myself a lot, because it either distracts me for long enough to calm down or just gives me a headrush. i have a lot going on in my environment and in my head that, even if it won't be permanent years down the line, is too much to cope with.

for maybe 1-2 weeks now i've been set on hanging myself as my method of choice, because after gunshot it is mostly reliable. i don't have access to a firearm and the process of attaining SN is both too expensive and very complicated for me. when i think about killing myself i feel at peace and safe, it's pronounced when i'm under the influence. i don't know if i believe in life after dying but a part of me really feels like i'll find some serenity and love wherever i end up.

i'll clean up my room/area so nobody has to, and then early in the morning i'll take a Lyft to a local park and do it there. i've been thinking about this exact plan since last summer but didn't, i held out for a year and things have gotten worse.

i have so much trauma, it makes my emotions very out of whack and i've lost everyone, either out of pushing them away or because they have things going on in their life that they are trying to cope with and are distant.

i am a little nervous as is normal before someone knows they're going to die, but i'm going to message my best friend (who i think i've also lost, because of our mutual mental health issues separating us), not to tell her i'm going to die, just to tell her i love her. she is one of the most beautiful and unique girls i've ever known and i don't want her to know what's going to happen, she doesn't live in the same country so likely she won't.

i'm nervous, but i know we all here are. i might take something to calm down just a little bit before i do it. i'm tired of wanting to throw up when i eat, obsessing over my body, feeling and being very alone, and being almost (not 100 percent, but verging on it) impoverished.

my quiet time is drinking alone at midnight on my balcony, thinking about what i'm going to do but feeling at peace. i know that once i drop, that's just it and there's pretty much no going back, but it brings me peace. maybe shooting myself would've been quicker and less nerve-wracking overall, but that just won't happen and it's still going to be ok in the end. i'm going to try my best to do it where someone won't find me at least for a little while.

i am at a very low point and i've made up my mind. i like this website and other places that have provided comfort. it is of course no one's fault at all (suicide often isn't), this is because i need this all to end, and it's cathartic bringing the chaos of my life to an end. i'm a little surprised that i'm doing it after thinking about it for half of my life but i have known for some years now that it was going to end this way, i can't live out my life anymore and especially not like this, with everything i've seen and what it's done to me.

i'll be talking to some online people for the next two days before it's all done, but it will be done, and it's going to be ok.
 
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ma0

ma0

How did I get here?
Dec 20, 2024
624
I sincerely hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve.
 
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locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Archangel
Apr 15, 2022
8,947
and then early in the morning i'll take a Lyft to a local park and do it there.
That might seem suspicious to the Lyft driver - getting a ride in the early morning (assume darkness) to a park. Better be careful with that one. They might report something like that.
 
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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
That might seem suspicious to the Lyft driver - getting a ride in the early morning (assume darkness) to a park. Better be careful with that one. They might report something like that.
i didn't think of that actually. maybe i can get there a little earlier.
i didn't think of that actually. maybe i can get there a little earlier.
or, i can take it to a nearby place, there is a gas station right near by.
 
FakeProdigy

FakeProdigy

Can you feel my heart?
Apr 6, 2025
37
Good luck friend, I'm still mustering the courage to get it done. I'm terrified of what it will do to the people around me. Your post is peaceful, it helped me. Thank you.
 
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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
Good luck friend, I'm still mustering the courage to get it done. I'm terrified of what it will do to the people around me. Your post is peaceful, it helped me. Thank you.
i'm a massive hypocrite for saying this, but i will encourage you to try to hold on just for a little longer. i worry about that too, i feel guilty sometimes, but it's why i want to leave as little physical (cleaning my space, making sure my household has a ton of food first, etc.) and emotional (hiding the body as much as i can and getting totally rid of anything upsetting in my area) as possible.
 
locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Archangel
Apr 15, 2022
8,947
i didn't think of that actually. maybe i can get there a little earlier.
Honestly think any time going to the park in darkness would seem sus, especially if you're carrying a backpack or something else with all your supplies. Disclaimer: I may be a little biased since I'm in the US, and all of our parks are closed overnight, only being open from sunrise to sunset. YMMV.
 
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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
Honestly think any time going to the park in darkness would seem sus, especially if you're carrying a backpack or something else with all your supplies. Disclaimer: I may be a little biased since I'm in the US, and all of our parks are closed overnight, only being open from sunrise to sunset. YMMV.
oh, the gas station is near the park, but not in it. it's a walk's worth away. i plan on dressing in all dark as i can to be less likely spotted at all outside of the ride itself.
 
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mya_

mya_

Not in this lifetime
Jun 13, 2024
39
I'm sorry for all you've been through 😞 My concern is, maybe the park is too risky? And I also think it's potentially traumatizing for those people who find you there 😞
 
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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
I'm sorry for all you've been through 😞 My concern is, maybe the park is too risky? And I also think it's potentially traumatizing for those people who find you there 😞
the latter is a concern of mine as well, but i need to find somewhere. i'm worried about being more selfish in that regard. since i posted this, i'm still on in going with it on the same date, but i might try to do it out in the woods near my complex instead. i feel bad about myself for considering the park in the first place, but i really am trying to make it less involved with others in the area.
 
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mya_

mya_

Not in this lifetime
Jun 13, 2024
39
the latter is a concern of mine as well, but i need to find somewhere. i'm worried about being more selfish in that regard. since i posted this, i'm still on in going with it on the same date, but i might try to do it out in the woods near my complex instead. i feel bad about myself for considering the park in the first place, but i really am trying to make it less involved with others in the area.
Don't feel bad about it, you're in a complicated situation already 😞 It's always sad when I see these kind of threads on here, I wish there was more peace out there and less suffering
 
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manicstreetbeeper

manicstreetbeeper

the only way out is through.
Feb 14, 2025
104
Don't feel bad about it, you're in a complicated situation already 😞 It's always sad when I see these kind of threads on here, I wish there was more peace out there and less suffering
i'm sorry that it made you feel sad, but i do agree with you. it feels more like a "rock and a hard place" situation to be honest, if that makes sense.

(i love your icon too; i didn't realize it was a photo of a dog at first, i thought it was an edited photo of a guinea pig, lol).
 
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mya_

mya_

Not in this lifetime
Jun 13, 2024
39
i'm sorry that it made you feel sad, but i do agree with you. it feels more like a "rock and a hard place" situation to be honest, if that makes sense.

(i love your icon too; i didn't realize it was a photo of a dog at first, i thought it was an edited photo of a guinea pig, lol).
Oh, don't be sorry! Also if you want to vent or just talk, you can PM me :)

And thanks! Yes, it's a cute dog in the pic! I guess it's not so visible being that small lol
 
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FakeProdigy

FakeProdigy

Can you feel my heart?
Apr 6, 2025
37
Thank you, why aren't you waiting a little longer as well? What makes you think you're ready? I'm 24, and I really feel like there's a few things left I need to do before being totally ready.
i'm a massive hypocrite for saying this, but i will encourage you to try to hold on just for a little longer. i worry about that too, i feel guilty sometimes, but it's why i want to leave as little physical (cleaning my space, making sure my household has a ton of food first, etc.) and emotional (hiding the body as much as i can and getting totally rid of anything upsetting in my area) as possible.
 
Alexandra0

Alexandra0

Don't Fear the Reaper
Sep 30, 2023
432
It was very sad to read your farewell post. Unfortunately, many of us feel something similar. Sending you hugs and all the best 💔💔
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,535
I hope you find peace and relief from suffering, I wish you the best.
 
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darksouls

darksouls

Wizard
May 10, 2025
693
send you love and peace ❤️
 
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karakoltriste

karakoltriste

I hate psychiatry
Apr 30, 2025
242
peace ❤️‍🩹
 
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