Help I’m extremely angry! Am I the asshole?

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

Hi guys! I'm 21F. I have no one else to talk too :/ I've been struggling with mental health for really long now. My boyfriend of two years, decided to break up with me because he just didn't care and cared more about his work. When he broke up with me, he asked two of my friends to check up on me. But turns out that they don't care and they got fed up with me constantly wanting to talk to them and now I don't have anyone or no friends. I was also diagnosed with BPD. I don't have a job and not in school. It's boring, but I love being home. Anyways I've been very suicidal lately and considering of doing it. It's just not right that my ex friends and ex bf don't care. So l've decided, and if they don't care that I will make them feel guilty for what they have done. I wanna rest. And maybe this will teach them a lesson that their words do hurt! One of the friends told me that killing yourself extremely selfish but if I die from natural causes or an illness, then that's when it's OK. Idk but I feel like the reason why suicide will just always be a thing is people simply need to realize that it's not always about them.
Hopefully me doing this will make them realize to actually set time aside for other people in their lives because you never know what people are going through. I don't really know exactly how I'll be doing this, but it just makes me extremely angry! Am I selfish for doing this? Am I selfish for wanting to show these horrible people what they've done! I posted this on Reddit and I did not like the responses that I got they said that I should keep living and just forget about them… they made the comparison of someone who is ill and lives with chronic illness, but that's such a horrible way to live life at that point why would you want to live? Anyways, I need some tips on how I can get my point across to them. I don't want to shoot and I've heard OD can be not that successful and I also am afraid of vomiting. Any advice? Thankssss

 

[Greyhawk]

Suicide is definitely not selfish and you have every right to be angry. But assholes never change their behavior no matter what consequences their actions have. Tons of kids commit suicide every year due to being bullied and nothing really changes. Schools are still filled with teachers who don't give a fuck and kids who are just sadistic. Every time someone kills themselves, people pretend to be sad for a day or two, they will talk about suicide awareness etc. and then forget about it.

And yes, OD is generally considered a non-method because it has a pretty low chance of actually killing you and might cause permanent damage (depends what you use).

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

Suicide as a way to get back at these people doesn't seem like the best way to get back at them, in my opinion. At the very least, you would never get to see if it actually hurt them. Seems a bit extreme as a form of revenge, and if they actually don't care, then they won't hurt very much. They won't learn their lesson, so to speak. I'm so sorry you had "Friends" like these. You are definitely entitled to the anger you feel!
I hate that people call suicide a selfish act. Practically everything people do is in some way selfish.

 

[IncrediblePal]

I don't really think that'll really teach them any lesson. Sure they may feel bad/guilty for a week or two but at the end they will just forget about you and move on. So if you want to commit suicide for the sole reason of 'teaching them a lesson', it is a bad idea.

 

[KlixxFoxe]

I don't have a job and not in school.

I understand your feelings, but you don't fully realise how lucky you are. Having a job (or at least average job without high salary) is a huge disadvantage if it's not necessary for your survival

Idk but I feel like the reason why suicide will just always be a thing is people simply need to realize that it's not always about them.

That never worked and will never work. People will never change, especially the death of a person then don't care of. This is a really bad reason to commit suicide

 

[happy1234]

to exact a more satisfying and excruciating revenge would require for you to continue living. just kidding.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not meaning to criticize you here. We can't really help what we need. I got to a point in life where I realised I was too needy. Especially towards a best friend and, she was beginning to have other priorities in her life. It would be nice if we were all there for each other. If we could rely on people to stay the same throughout our relationships with them.

Ultimately though- all our lives are constantly changing. Our needs and the pressures put on us are changing. Sometimes, we have so much shit going on for ourselves, that we can't be the friend we maybe promised to be to someone. It's unpleasant and upsetting but, I'm not sure that it's exactly unfair.

I was deeply upset when it dawned on me I could no longer rely on my friend. I made the decision to try to be more independent at that point. I suppose between that and a bunch of subsequent things, I came to the conclusion that friendships can't really be relied upon fully. Only enjoyed for as long as they last.

As for whether they've done anything wrong. I don't know really. Were you there for them a lot? That can definitely hurt- when we make the time to be there for others but they don't return the favour. Ultimately though- asides from our parents- who at least, should be committed to us and I guess marriage- you make serious promises then. Do we owe each other things?

It would be nice if people did things simply because they cared of course. It's certainly a way to express care. But, people will for instance- claim they love animals, despise cruelty and yet, continue to eat them. I think there are levels of care ultimately. People can care emotionally but maybe not enough to change their life to accomodate. It becomes especially difficult if we are struggling ourselves but, also having to 'carry' friends. It's sad but, not everyone can cope with it.

I don't know your friends obviously or, your ex. I don't know how much they have or haven't done. They may well feel guilty if you did suicide. Alternatively- they may simply say to themselves that they did what they could but, no one could/ should be expected to do more. I suspect the other thing is- having a mental illness diagnosis makes it easy to simply blame it on that.

Obviously though, not knowing the situation- I don't know. Maybe you are expecting a reasonable amount and, just being let down. Regardless though, I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[monetpompo]

But assholes never change their behavior no matter what consequences their actions have. Tons of kids commit suicide every year due to being bullied and nothing really changes. Schools are still filled with teachers who don't give a fuck and kids who are just sadistic. Every time someone kills themselves, people pretend to be sad for a day or two, they will talk about suicide awareness etc. and then forget about it.

Suicide as a way to get back at these people doesn't seem like the best way to get back at them, in my opinion. At the very least, you would never get to see if it actually hurt them. Seems a bit extreme as a form of revenge, and if they actually don't care, then they won't hurt very much. They won't learn their lesson, so to speak.

I don't really think that'll really teach them any lesson.

mirroring what the other comments are saying, i think that you have to commit suicide for yourself instead of for others. you stop existing in the living world once you're dead, so you'll never be able to see people's reactions to your death if it was an act of revenge. although the way your ex boyfriend and your ex friends treated you is terrible and you deserve to feel upset about it, they'll still have no real reason to change their opinion of you, since you aren't alive to change your mind. i don't see your death as selfish, but you shouldn't do it so that people realize they mistreated you. when i was in a crisis state, i wanted to kill myself because of how often i was fighting with my mom, and i wanted to feel despair and anger towards me for having no control over my death. but these days i want to die because i just don't want to live anymore, even if i still hate my mom. i think that you should take some time to think about this.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i think the best way to get revenge would be to ctb in front of them, or somewhere they can watch.

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

i think the best way to get revenge would be to ctb in front of them, or somewhere they can watch.

Fax but how am I gonna send a video when I'm dead? I'm not gonna live stream it because I don't want my video ending up in gore website because those people quite literally just make fun of victims which is horrible and I can't do it in front of them because they all live in different states because of their job.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

Fax but how am I gonna send a video when I'm dead? I'm not gonna live stream it because I don't want my video ending up in gore website because those people quite literally just make fun of victims which is horrible and I can't do it in front of them because they all live in different states because of their job.

you could FaceTime them, or if they all have discord you could do it in a vc

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

I understand your feelings, but you don't fully realise how lucky you are. Having a job (or at least average job without high salary) is a huge disadvantage if it's not necessary for your survival

That never worked and will never work. People will never change, especially the death of a person then don't care of. This is a really bad reason to commit suicide

Well, to be fair I'm already suicidal. But what they did just added on to all of it

you could FaceTime them, or if they all have discord you could do it in a vc

Those mfs blocked me god if there was an only way it can like auto send or some shit

 

[IncrediblePal]

Those mfs blocked me god if there was an only way it can like auto send or some shit

So they blocked you too? Y'know the more I read this thread the more I think that you are the problem here. Your boyfriend of two years broke up with you just because he cared more about his work? Followed by your friends cutting all connections with you just because you tried to talk to them? You don't really believe that do you? Your friends came to comfort you after the break up so clearly you trying to talk isn't the reason why they got fed up by you. On top of that they also blocked you after. Why is that? That also reminds me that you said you have bipolar disorder and mental health issues? Could that have something to do with why they decided to cut all ties with you like this?
Look, it may seem like I am trying to criticize but you need to hear this.
And yes I do believe that you are being selfish here. You're so hell bent on acting your revenge that you don't even realize how others feel.
You need to ask yourself the question, "Could it have been my actions, words or something else that contributed to my relationship and friendship falling apart?"

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

So they blocked you too? Y'know the more I read this thread the more I think that you are the problem here. Your boyfriend of two years broke up with you just because he cared more about his work? Followed by your friends cutting all connections with you just because you tried to talk to them? You don't really believe that do you? Your friends came to comfort you after the break up so clearly you trying to talk isn't the reason why they got fed up by you. On top of that they also blocked you after. Why is that? That also reminds me that you said you have bipolar disorder and mental health issues? Could that have something to do with why they decided to cut all ties with you like this?
Look, it may seem like I am trying to criticize but you need to hear this.
And yes I do believe that you are being selfish here. You're so hell bent on acting your revenge that you don't even realize how others feel.
You need to ask yourself the question, "Could it have been my actions, words or something else that contributed to my relationship and friendship falling apart?"

At the end of the day, they just blocked me because they're not good people. I realize that they're going to be people that quite literally don't care until you're dead. Idk I just can't never look at someone and say they're too overwhelming for me because of their mental issues. We live in a society that as soon as something is a little bit off, we consider that as red flags but we're human and we have issues and it's good to be there for one another, even if that person is struggling a lot. They constantly gave me advice, but I didn't want advice. I just wanted someone to talk to and have someone listen. They disrespected my boundaries after I told them multiple times I do not want my conversations between them to be sent to my mom. My ex decided it would be funny to take a picture with another girl and send it to me (I cursed him out immediately) so I'm just annoyed and angry

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

At the end of the day, they just blocked me because they're not good people. I realize that they're going to be people that quite literally don't care until you're dead. Idk I just can't never look at someone and say they're too overwhelming for me because of their mental issues. We live in a society that as soon as something is a little bit off, we consider that as red flags but we're human and we have issues and it's good to be there for one another, even if that person is struggling a lot. They constantly gave me advice, but I didn't want advice. I just wanted someone to talk to and have someone listen. They disrespected my boundaries after I told them multiple times I do not want my conversations between them to be sent to my mom. My ex decided it would be funny to take a picture with another girl and send it to me (I cursed him out immediately) so I'm just annoyed and angry

Don't they say, "let the punishment fit the crime"? Isn't killing yourself and trying to send them the video / blame them sort of an extreme reaction? I mean sure they don't want to be your friends anymore, but… that doesn't mean they deserve to have their lives destroyed.

I dated a girl with BPD, and when we broke up she hung herself on the phone with me. She made it clear that it was my fault. I know I made my mistakes, I don't think I'm a good person, but holy hell mother of god I don't think I've ever felt a pain worse then that. I don't know if I could ever hate a person enough to want to put them through that. He was your boyfriend of two years, if you ever loved him at all, I don't see why it makes sense to ruin his life just because he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

I'm not trying to be judgey, I just worry that you don't fully understand how bad this will affect them. I didn't sleep for days. I had to go to her funeral. I refused to join any support groups for people who'd lost someone to Suicide because I thought I was a murderer. I literally asked my parents to find me a support group for people who'd killed people drunk driving. And I still live with it.

I think revenge sounds fun on paper. But if she could have seen what actually happened to me, the nights alone talking to a god I didn't even believe in begging for the chance to trade my life for hers, the hours standing by a cliff psyching myself to jump so I could be with her, the realization that no matter what I did with the rest of my life the world will have been better off without me. If she'd seen all that, I don't think she would have been happy with how things turned out.

These people hurt you. That's wrong. And if you're hurting and want to die, that really is your choice. But please, think hard if these people deserve the hell you're planning to put them through. They're not demons, they're just people. And I think if you can put some time between yourself and the feeling of abandonment, you'll realize that ruining their life isn't a good reason to end yours.

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

Don't they say, "let the punishment fit the crime"? Isn't killing yourself and trying to send them the video / blame them sort of an extreme reaction? I mean sure they don't want to be your friends anymore, but… that doesn't mean they deserve to have their lives destroyed.

I dated a girl with BPD, and when we broke up she hung herself on the phone with me. She made it clear that it was my fault. I know I made my mistakes, I don't think I'm a good person, but holy hell mother of god I don't think I've ever felt a pain worse then that. I don't know if I could ever hate a person enough to want to put them through that. He was your boyfriend of two years, if you ever loved him at all, I don't see why it makes sense to ruin his life just because he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

I'm not trying to be judgey, I just worry that you don't fully understand how bad this will affect them. I didn't sleep for days. I had to go to her funeral. I refused to join any support groups for people who'd lost someone to Suicide because I thought I was a murderer. I literally asked my parents to find me a support group for people who'd killed people drunk driving. And I still live with it.

I think revenge sounds fun on paper. But if she could have seen what actually happened to me, the nights alone talking to a god I didn't even believe in begging for the chance to trade my life for hers, the hours standing by a cliff psyching myself to jump so I could be with her, the realization that no matter what I did with the rest of my life the world will have been better off without me. If she'd seen all that, I don't think she would have been happy with how things turned out.

These people hurt you. That's wrong. And if you're hurting and want to die, that really is your choice. But please, think hard if these people deserve the hell you're planning to put them through. They're not demons, they're just people. And I think if you can put some time between yourself and the feeling of abandonment, you'll realize that ruining their life isn't a good reason to end yours.

Can I ask why you broke up with her in the first place? She did that because she really loved you and she didn't want to live a life without you. Some can say it's a silly break up but to others it's abandonment. It's almost like losing someone you love.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Can I ask why you broke up with her in the first place? She did that because she really loved you and she didn't want to live a life without you. Some can say it's a silly break up but to others it's abandonment. It's almost like losing someone you love.

I broke up with her because I thought I was bad for her. All we ever did was fight. She had a lot of paranoia, she'd accuse me of cheating, and she oftentimes told me that my mental health struggles negatively impacted her (her first hospitalization happened after she found my Reddit account where I was talking pretty seriously about suicide. In my defense I intentionally tried to keep this side of myself private from her, but she had a habit of violating my privacy). It was also just not a good relationship for me. I'd spend my days pacing in my room, I'd literally dropped out of school to work on my mental health and it had never been worse. Plus long distance was just really stressful. This was during Covid, and so she was stuck in her dorm all day at college, and she'd spend the whole day on the phone with me. I had HORRIBLE untreated adhd and so I literally couldnt get anything done with her on the phone, and it was just a lot (even when she lived with me we had space cause we'd at least go off to work. But when she went to college we were having super long phone calls everyday).

In the end she gave me an ultimatum to admit I'd cheated (I genuinely hadn't.) or she'd end things. I said it was for the best that things would end. She ended up apologizing and asking to get back together, I told her I would but that I needed some space to figure out boundaries for the relationship. We were supposed to be no contact for 2 weeks while we figured out a set of rules to make things less toxic, but I told her she could call me in case of emergency and she called me everyday. They were emergencies though. That first night she took all her anti anxiety meds and I had to stay up on the phone with her telling her to drink water and that if she fell asleep I'd call the cops.

We called to hash out the rules for the relationship going forward. I explained that I felt like we needed some limits on communication to respect eachother's space. She issued another ultimatum saying things wouldn't work if we did that. I told her that I think it's best if we just split up then. She tried to walk it back, I refused, she called me a coward, said if I wasn't going to try why should she, and hung herself. (We were LD so there was nothing I could do but call campus security and wait).

I know she loved me. I loved her too. I bet it did feel like abandonment. But the truth is that loving a person is different from loving being with them. It seemed like I was hurting her, she made it seem that way multiple times. I know that that relationship was hurting me. I loved Her, I'd have died to make her happy if it had been that simple, but it's just not that simple. I understand how it can hurt to lose someone, but I didn't leave her the way she left me. The way I left her, at least she could look at old photos and smile someday. Instead I'm left to wonder whether she'd still be breathing if she'd never met me at all. (And that's not to say I don't regret breaking up with her for other reasons! She was so accepting of my flaws, a part of me absolutely wishes I could call her and ask how she's doing. To try to make it work with the last person I ever let see every part of me, even the parts I hated. But I can't do that now, for obvious reasons.)

Imagine being the reason someone else is dead? I'm just me, I'm just a person, not even a particularly good or special person, why in holy hell am I the reason an amazing woman never got to have a future? I'm just not worth anyone's life, I'm barely worth my own.

Do not kill yourself to get back at someone you love. Life is painful, there's plenty of reasons a person might want to ctb. But don't put that one someone else, especially not someone you love. It's more weight than any person is designed to bear.

P.S. at mods if you're reading this. Don't ban me. This isn't a general guilt trip about CTB, this is specifically referring to the idea of blaming someone else or putting it on them.

 

[Jumpingisnotacrime]

I broke up with her because I thought I was bad for her. All we ever did was fight. She had a lot of paranoia, she'd accuse me of cheating, and she oftentimes told me that my mental health struggles negatively impacted her (her first hospitalization happened after she found my Reddit account where I was talking pretty seriously about suicide. In my defense I intentionally tried to keep this side of myself private from her, but she had a habit of violating my privacy). It was also just not a good relationship for me. I'd spend my days pacing in my room, I'd literally dropped out of school to work on my mental health and it had never been worse. Plus long distance was just really stressful. This was during Covid, and so she was stuck in her dorm all day at college, and she'd spend the whole day on the phone with me. I had HORRIBLE untreated adhd and so I literally couldnt get anything done with her on the phone, and it was just a lot (even when she lived with me we had space cause we'd at least go off to work. But when she went to college we were having super long phone calls everyday).

In the end she gave me an ultimatum to admit I'd cheated (I genuinely hadn't.) or she'd end things. I said it was for the best that things would end. She ended up apologizing and asking to get back together, I told her I would but that I needed some space to figure out boundaries for the relationship. We were supposed to be no contact for 2 weeks while we figured out a set of rules to make things less toxic, but I told her she could call me in case of emergency and she called me everyday. They were emergencies though. That first night she took all her anti anxiety meds and I had to stay up on the phone with her telling her to drink water and that if she fell asleep I'd call the cops.

We called to hash out the rules for the relationship going forward. I explained that I felt like we needed some limits on communication to respect eachother's space. She issued another ultimatum saying things wouldn't work if we did that. I told her that I think it's best if we just split up then. She tried to walk it back, I refused, she called me a coward, said if I wasn't going to try why should she, and hung herself. (We were LD so there was nothing I could do but call campus security and wait).

I know she loved me. I loved her too. I bet it did feel like abandonment. But the truth is that loving a person is different from loving being with them. It seemed like I was hurting her, she made it seem that way multiple times. I know that that relationship was hurting me. I loved Her, I'd have died to make her happy if it had been that simple, but it's just not that simple. I understand how it can hurt to lose someone, but I didn't leave her the way she left me. The way I left her, at least she could look at old photos and smile someday. Instead I'm left to wonder whether she'd still be breathing if she'd never met me at all. (And that's not to say I don't regret breaking up with her for other reasons! She was so accepting of my flaws, a part of me absolutely wishes I could call her and ask how she's doing. To try to make it work with the last person I ever let see every part of me, even the parts I hated. But I can't do that now, for obvious reasons.)

Imagine being the reason someone else is dead? I'm just me, I'm just a person, not even a particularly good or special person, why in holy hell am I the reason an amazing woman never got to have a future? I'm just not worth anyone's life, I'm barely worth my own.

Do not kill yourself to get back at someone you love. Life is painful, there's plenty of reasons a person might want to ctb. But don't put that one someone else, especially not someone you love. It's more weight than any person is designed to bear.

P.S. at mods if you're reading this. Don't ban me. This isn't a general guilt trip about CTB, this is specifically referring to the idea of blaming someone else or putting it on them.

I private messaged you if that's OK. I don't really know how this website work so if you got it let me know

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I private messaged you if that's OK. I don't really know how this website work so if you got it let me know

It's weird, it says I got it but then I can't actually see it when i go to the chat. It's just totally blank. very strange. Hi, I believe the chat didn't go through because your account might be too new (or mine is). You have to be active on the site for 24 hours (like actively using the website for a total of 24 hours) and have made a certain number of posts for private chat to work. Kinda annoying but I get why they did it.

 

[fromange]

People are disappointing.

 

[U. A.]

Reading through this thread, I was trying to get as much info as I could about you and the situation before "taking a side"; I default to believing everyone's account of their situation but in a place full of people as fucked up a this, that's frankly not always wise. I thought @IncrediblePal's comment was harsh and a bit off the mark when reading it given what had been shared so far...but if you think

She did that because she really loved you and she didn't want to live a life without you. Some can say it's a silly break up but to others it's abandonment. It's almost like losing someone you love.

is an appropriate thing to do - yeah, sorry, you have some shit going on you need help with. Forcing someone to watch you commit suicide is beyond fucked in all but the most heinous of situations.
It sucks to be ditched in a time of need and everyone deserves love and support, but you don't get to ruin other people's psyches just cause they couldn't handle your issues, valid as they may be.