Venting im disgusted by myself

[keigore]

tw csa

Hey, this is my first post here. I come here occasionally to read, but I've never written anything before. I think it's a good place to vent, even if no one wants to interact or even read this.

I've been thinking about ending my life for about 10 years now. I'm currently 23 and at the lowest point in my life, where I see no hope of things ever improving. I come from a home where I was molested by my own father, which is why I struggle so much with hypersexuality. I learned to regulate my emotions through touch. Any stress, fear, or even overwhelming happiness has to be released this way. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I've been addicted since I was five.

Because of this, I recently lost the only person I truly care about - the one person I wanted to keep living for. I cheated on him. I don't know how it happend, I don't know what happened I only know that it did. I was under such a strong influence of alcohol that I don't remember what I was doing or what was happening around me. My needs won over my morals. I had never thought about cheating and had never cheated before; the very thought of it makes me feel sick. And yet I did it -the need for touch was stronger. I hate myself. I hurt him and burdened him with my problems, which he just couldn't bear.

I hate myself for what I did, and I hate myself for the fact that my entire life has to revolve around this constant, uncontrollable sexual urge that I can't manage because of the trauma.

I'm still too scared to talk about it openly. I've never seen a therapist because I'm terrified that if it comes out, my father will do something to me. My whole family knows what happened, but no one ever did anything about it.

I feel disgusting. I feel like my urges control my entire life. I feel like I've failed as a partner and that I'll be dirty forever. I wan't to end my life. Without my boyfriend and with all this guilt I don't see a point anymore. Help me quit.

 

[Deepdense]

This is one of the best places you can come to vent. Many of us have similar experiences. I strongly encourage that you explain your history to your boyfriend and explain why it happened. Talking face to face would be the proper way to do it, but if you can't tell him in person, you should send him a letter or text. Even if things don't turn out well, he'll be able to understand you and possibly trust you again.
Keep in mind that it's not your fault you feel the ways you do. Even if you don't feel that way, just know it.

 

[ILiveAlone]

I've been through similar things.
You only get one childhood and as a child, you're supposed to be protected by adults. But they, even family members, prey on you--reconstructing your neurochemistry and ruining your life. It's unfair.

Even so, I find comfort in the fact that a lot of people have gone through the same thing; yet found happiness in spite of it.

 

[keigore]

This is one of the best places you can come to vent. Many of us have similar experiences. I strongly encourage that you explain your history to your boyfriend and explain why it happened. Talking face to face would be the proper way to do it, but if you can't tell him in person, you should send him a letter or text. Even if things don't turn out well, he'll be able to understand you and possibly trust you again.
Keep in mind that it's not your fault you feel the ways you do. Even if you don't feel that way, just know it.

This is one of the best places you can come to vent. Many of us have similar experiences. I strongly encourage that you explain your history to your boyfriend and explain why it happened. Talking face to face would be the proper way to do it, but if you can't tell him in person, you should send him a letter or text. Even if things don't turn out well, he'll be able to understand you and possibly trust you again.
Keep in mind that it's not your fault you feel the ways you do. Even if you don't feel that way, just know it.

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me. And yes, I told him about it. He understands where it might have come from, but that doesn't make it any easier for him, which is, of course, understandable.

When I talk about my feelings and experiences, I feel as if I'm presenting myself as the one who was hurt in this situation, even though I wasn't. I'm the one who is at fault and I don't deserve any sympathy. He even told me that himself. He said it hurts him that I put my own emotions first.

That was never my intention. I didn't want it to seem that way.I only wanted understanding, but it's already too late for that.

 

[Deepdense]

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me. And yes, I told him about it. He understands where it might have come from, but that doesn't make it any easier for him, which is, of course, understandable.

When I talk about my feelings and experiences, I feel as if I'm presenting myself as the one who was hurt in this situation, even though I wasn't. I'm the one who is at fault and I don't deserve any sympathy. He even told me that himself. He said it hurts him that I put my own emotions first.

That was never my intention. I didn't want it to seem that way.I only wanted understanding, but it's already too late for that.

Even if you were at fault, that doesn't mean you weren't hurt by this situation. You weren't consciously trying to hurt him. It's hard for many to understand something they've never experienced. There will be some people who put in the effort to understand you and there will be others who don't. Getting hurt while looking for the people who will is normal. There are much better things down the line if you'll have the patience for it.