willow368
Still here? Well I'm breathing but not "living"
- Dec 12, 2023
- 12
Hii, it's been like 1.5years since I was last active on here I believe. And a lot has happened since then - but I still want to die...
I remember one of the last things I posted was about the amount of pills I had and if it was enough to CTB.
Well- I gave those pills to my psychiatrist (with my goodbye-letters and my "DNT/DNR-documents" (not sure how to explain it in english)) as I moved out of my parents house and into a protected-living facility (finally!) in July 2024. And I really wanted a "new start" (stupid mistake)... but that "new start" never came and I was still severely suicidal/depressed on most days but my medications were locked away & I couldn't go outside at night so couldn't really do anything.
I even got admitted last April (2025) as I was too honest and they didn't trust me this time (well...fair enough....I had planned to commit (without pills) after that appointment and told them what I was about to do) - I had 1:1 supervision for the first time in my life and that was awkward. As it took like 4 hours to find a bed for me - and in that time I couldn't go to the toilet or outside to smoke without someone coming with me (we did have some fun talks tho).
Luckily I was allowed to leave the psych-ward really fast (it made me worse lol) - but it did give me a bit more motivation to "really keep trying" as I did not want to end up there again if my attempt would fail. And I questioned my diagnoses ("it doesn't explain everything")- so I asked if we could do some new research. And they did - well it turns out I am bipolar (type II), still am autistic and have PTSD but also have an avoidant personality disorder and now officially an eating disorder. So that explained quite a bit - they even saw some serious signs of borderline but not "enough" to give me an official diagnosis (so if I develop/show one or more of these symptoms they will also add that to my lovely list).
I just received these new diagnoses last July- and in August I moved again to a new (more independent) facility. And for the first time in my life I had a really small period where "I wanted to live" (it lasted a month). But then in September everything got slowly worse again - and now I'm here. I've had "therapy" almost every single day these last weeks as they want to monitor me, I badly relapsed in SH and everything I "build up" last month got completely destroyed. And I am so tired ...
I've been suicidal since I was 12 (I'm 21 now); but I barely truly had the courage to go through with it (mostly fear that it will fail and I end up paralysed or something and a little bit of "guilt" ) - and the small moments where I was about to ... I got stopped (even by the police once but as I had not done anything "yet" they just let me go home lol). But I'm also so incredibly done with this life and I kind of feel that I will CTB soon if nothing changes fast. It might not be in a way that I prefer ("silent with as good as no witnesses") - but as I have no other options that have a high chance of succeeding I have to set my "values" aside for once (and forever).
We'll see what happens! :)
I remember one of the last things I posted was about the amount of pills I had and if it was enough to CTB.
Well- I gave those pills to my psychiatrist (with my goodbye-letters and my "DNT/DNR-documents" (not sure how to explain it in english)) as I moved out of my parents house and into a protected-living facility (finally!) in July 2024. And I really wanted a "new start" (stupid mistake)... but that "new start" never came and I was still severely suicidal/depressed on most days but my medications were locked away & I couldn't go outside at night so couldn't really do anything.
I even got admitted last April (2025) as I was too honest and they didn't trust me this time (well...fair enough....I had planned to commit (without pills) after that appointment and told them what I was about to do) - I had 1:1 supervision for the first time in my life and that was awkward. As it took like 4 hours to find a bed for me - and in that time I couldn't go to the toilet or outside to smoke without someone coming with me (we did have some fun talks tho).
Luckily I was allowed to leave the psych-ward really fast (it made me worse lol) - but it did give me a bit more motivation to "really keep trying" as I did not want to end up there again if my attempt would fail. And I questioned my diagnoses ("it doesn't explain everything")- so I asked if we could do some new research. And they did - well it turns out I am bipolar (type II), still am autistic and have PTSD but also have an avoidant personality disorder and now officially an eating disorder. So that explained quite a bit - they even saw some serious signs of borderline but not "enough" to give me an official diagnosis (so if I develop/show one or more of these symptoms they will also add that to my lovely list).
I just received these new diagnoses last July- and in August I moved again to a new (more independent) facility. And for the first time in my life I had a really small period where "I wanted to live" (it lasted a month). But then in September everything got slowly worse again - and now I'm here. I've had "therapy" almost every single day these last weeks as they want to monitor me, I badly relapsed in SH and everything I "build up" last month got completely destroyed. And I am so tired ...
I've been suicidal since I was 12 (I'm 21 now); but I barely truly had the courage to go through with it (mostly fear that it will fail and I end up paralysed or something and a little bit of "guilt" ) - and the small moments where I was about to ... I got stopped (even by the police once but as I had not done anything "yet" they just let me go home lol). But I'm also so incredibly done with this life and I kind of feel that I will CTB soon if nothing changes fast. It might not be in a way that I prefer ("silent with as good as no witnesses") - but as I have no other options that have a high chance of succeeding I have to set my "values" aside for once (and forever).
We'll see what happens! :)
