I'm afraid of myself

[Dan-Star-HI]

There are times when I feel like I have no control over myself and that I could really hurt myself. I've talked about it a lot in therapy, but the therapist simply tells me I have to work on it. This phrase, in quotation marks, "I have to work on it," has been going on for years and years and nothing changes. I feel moments of despair that come on suddenly. On this forum, I read about people planning their own end, but for me, it's not like that. I might wake up in the morning feeling bad, but not terribly bad, then I go out, suddenly overcome by despair. I even want to throw myself under a car or off a bridge. Sometimes I even feel dangerous around knives. I don't know what's happening to me, but if I tell the psychiatrist, he recommends hospitalization. Psychiatrists terrify me. But the thing that scares me the most isn't psychiatrists. The thing that scares me the most is feeling like I can hurt myself so badly, and I only realize it afterwards. If I get angry, I might even headbutt the wall without thinking twice, and then I realize what I've done after a long time. I don't know what's inside me, it feels like a demon.

 

[Dawnfang11]

I can relate to some of this. To me, the scary thing is how much I've researched ctb, how much prep work I've done for an attempt I didn't go through with, and the fact that now I know what and how. If tomorrow I get emotionally overwhelmed and my impulsivity gets the best of me (which has been known to happen), I could just ctb. Like, the urge to self-destruct is fucking strong sometimes...