Venting I'm a terrible person and I wish I didn't care about anyone

[author]

My friend is suicidal. Possibly hypocritical of me, but I don't want her to die.

I talked her out of it once through text messages at work. It was a very panic-inducing ordeal but I thought she'd at least be fine for a while after, especially because I've been helping her move. But today at work she tried to call me out of nowhere and so I told her I just needed five minutes so I could go on break and then I could talk to her but I kept her on the line. Three minutes later she hung up and texted me that she'd just "call a hotline or something". I checked on her an hour later, nothing. I checked on her another hour later, nothing. I started freaking out thinking she'd killed herself because I couldn't talk to her right then and there. I just needed a couple minutes. I literally could not fucking settle down, and eventually she texted to say she was alive and talked to her husband about it instead.

I've always had to deal with my own suicidal shit on my own. I have friends who will listen to me vent about other things but I don't ever put my suicide ideation on them because I hate doing that, and I hate dealing with the conversation that it entails. I don't even really talk about my self-harm. I'd just rather keep it to myself. It's not like everyone else has to do that, but I'm definitely not in a position to help other people - so I don't know why everyone comes to ME with such tense situations. I don't even know what I'm doing, sometimes I just say what I think they need to hear so they'll be okay, because sometimes it's so fucking stressful I just shut off emotionally and end up having to perform.

It's like I'm always working. It's all customer service. It's all performance. I'm a terrible fucking person. I wish I could be the person people want me to be; endlessly patient, compassionate, able to help at all times, having all the right answers - just, the perfect person. Unfortunately I'm not, but I'm stuck playing therapist anyway. The worst part is that I LIKE helping my loved ones WHEN I CAN, but this is too fucking much. It's all too fucking much. I'm not equipped for this. I can't help anyone, I can barely help myself.

I'm so fucking selfish, because there's a part of me that thinks SHE'S selfish for pushing this on me knowing that I'm at work. I know she just wanted help and I'm glad she reached out instead of killing herself and I'm glad she's alive but somehow I'm also angry at her. I wish I didn't care. It would be so much easier if I didn't care. I can't stop caring.

The reason she called me instead of her husband or a hotline or another friend first was apparently because she "felt less bad about bothering me" than anyone else - and on one hand, I'm glad she trusts me, but on the other hand, holy fucking shit. Am I wrong to think that's selfish? She knew I was at work, and I was only coincidentally able to answer her in the first place because it was slow. I can't even articulate anything right now with how badly I freaked out about this.

I love my friends. I hate that I love people enough to destroy myself. I wish I didn't care. I'm so fucking selfish.

 

[eeah]

i dont think its nice for her to say that and atop responding making u worry

 

[eggsausagerice]

i dont think its nice for her to say that and atop responding making u worry

op's friend is really rude for doing that imo. i also text(ed) people while dealing with acute suicidal thoughts and it's stressful for everybody. if there's other people she knows is available or people she can trust then she should talk to them instead of pushing it on you just because she doesn't mind talking to you as much. i can't be friends with other severely depressed people because they're very hard people to be friends with, even if i care about them and their wellbeing still. you're really not selfish. you're just one person. it's totally fine to not be able to handle being friends with her.

 

[serenitydream]

I think it's wonderful that you care and try so much even though you don't feel like you know the right answers, especially while dealing with your own feelings.<3

 

[author]

op's friend is really rude for doing that imo. i also text(ed) people while dealing with acute suicidal thoughts and it's stressful for everybody. if there's other people she knows is available or people she can trust then she should talk to them instead of pushing it on you just because she doesn't mind talking to you as much. i can't be friends with other severely depressed people because they're very hard people to be friends with, even if i care about them and their wellbeing still. you're really not selfish. you're just one person. it's totally fine to not be able to handle being friends with her.

Thank you. I want to be there for her, but keeping myself alive is an ordeal in itself... I just wish she'd rely on other people more like a therapist, her husband, or our other friends, etc. I want to stay her friend but I'm just so tired...

I think it's wonderful that you care and try so much even though you don't feel like you know the right answers, especially while dealing with your own feelings.<3

I guess that's one way to look at it, but it's honestly been more stressful than anything else. Feeling like something as small as a 5-minute wait could cost someone their life is not very fun... But thank you.

 

[serenitydream]

Thank you. I want to be there for her, but keeping myself alive is an ordeal in itself... I just wish she'd rely on other people more like a therapist, her husband, or our other friends, etc. I want to stay her friend but I'm just so tired...

I guess that's one way to look at it, but it's honestly been more stressful than anything else. Feeling like something as small as a 5-minute wait could cost someone their life is not very fun... But thank you.

I hope that you will receive the same thoughtfulness and understanding that you have for your friends. It's understandable how you feel to me and I've had a similar experience too; it's so stressful.

 

[apooka]

i think it's good to have friends that you can talk with and be open about this stuff, but i feel like it gets to a point, if that makes sense? its great that your friend can be open with you, but it should never take its toll on you. idk if this is bad to say, but i feel like your friend comes across as a bit selfish and rude. friends should never be treated as therapists. and she basically just expected you to drop everything to talk to her, while you were already preoccupied. i get that technically those few minutes of waiting could be life and death, but i feel like that type of pressure shouldnt be put on you in the first place. if it really is a life or death situ then she SHOULD be calling a hotline and not you imo...

idk its great that you're there for her, and that you care and love her, but i feel like she really isnt being considerate. though ik if she rlly is struggling badly, then ig being considerate wouldnt be her first though... IDK IF THIS MAKES SENSE, but TLDR basically you're valid and so are your thoughts and feelings, and you're not a terrible person, you're a kind and loving friend.

 

[achingthroat]

I kinda started feeling like I was the bad person too in those situations, so I understand where your frustration is coming from. It gets too overwhelming already being sensitive and dealing with my own shit that I just eventually state my boundaries even though it may now allow them to share, but hey I have no support and you do so why come to me who has no support at all? Why must you rely on me, it's alright, but it stresses me out. :p

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

Hm I'd say this is quite a difficult situation because of course you don't want your friend to die but having her constantly use you for help is not something a good friend does. I'd say there are a couple ways to go about this in my experience.

1. You could draw some boundaries with her and try to get her to rely on you less and use a more diverse support system. This is probably the solution I would go to first it's the least drastic of the 3 in my opinion.

2. You could also open up to her about your suicidal feelings (I know you said you don't like doing this) to try and equalize the amount of work you're each putting into the relationship. This is the option that has worked well for me in the past because it makes the relationship feel less one-sided and it also lets you get some of the support you need. The trick with this one is to make sure you're each relying on each other a similar amount and only in moderation, you still each need to have more than one person supporting you.

3. You can also cut her off entirely. If you feel that she's unfairly using you as a therapist too much then there's no shame in having a talk with her about it and cutting her off afterwards if she doesn't agree to change her behavior. Just make sure you let her know what she's done wrong so she can hopefully improve in the future.

These are some things that have worked for either me or for my friends in the past when I was the person being a bad friend. It's not a comprehensive list just some ideas. I don't think you're a bad person at all for feeling this way. You're not selfish either, what she said about feeling less bad about bothering you is a terrible thing to say to someone. Very few people are equipped to deal with other people's suffering constantly and that's ok, it's certainly not any kind of failing on your part.

I would say just make sure you handle the situation with care because having been on the other side of it, it can really hurt to lose somebody that has been supporting you for a long time. Remember that your boundaries and feelings are important and I hope you're able to reach a good solution with her <3.