Venting I'm 22 and will kill myself if I don't fucking transition. I'm so tired of acting and playing a role.

[pharma]

The media is obsessed with trans women but no one ever fucking talks about how isolating it is to be transmasc and in the closet. It's the misogyny of people saying I'm crazy because apparently I'm biologically incapably of making my own decisions or that I'm a "confused lesbian". And on the other hand, it is coupled with the misandry that I only want to be a man because 'it's the winning team' or, in the words of other LGB "allies" that transmascs have it easy because of "male privilege." I don't want to be a boy. I don't want short hair. I don't want to wear "boy clothes." I AM a boy. I go out every day in drag and feel like a freak. I hate my fucking life. I've been thinking about how so many in people in my family have died to cancer, lupus, MS-what if I fucking drop dead from a brain bleed tomorrow? I don't want to be buried in a dress. I'm 22 and I've never even jerked off because I hate the shape of my body so much it's impossible to derive pleasure from it. I just want to die and rip my body apart. I'm so embarrassed of my self that I can't even befriend other boys because I'm too girly, and talking to girls feels impossible because there's 5,000 social rules I have to balance in my head.

My mother called me hideous and a "monster" the only time in my life where I cut my hair (when I was 20) and that fucking destroyed myself esteem. She tells me that queers should be killed and fucking shows me anti-LGBT content and rambles about how I'm being brainwashed by university (the university that is being ran by conservatives in a RED states). I feel like I've lost my entire life. I can't keep living like this. I remember when I started puberty earlier than everyone else and my first thought was "I need to kill myself" and tried to (or at least as much as a ten year old can try to kill themselves). I have a vague hope that one day things will turn out okay, that I will be depressed and a real man, but I think that's just another role I'm playing.

 

[chernobylmosqut]

That's just straight up abuse. Being also 22 and trans masc I understand completely. How possible is moving for you? Here in Mass transitioning is protected, more accepted, and completely covered by Masshealth. Obviously moving is a huge deal and not at all easy, I only moved back because I lost my job and house and had nothing to lose, and I also knew a few people. But between ending your life and going through a major life change like that, I think it's worth a shot if you're that desperate.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

No, you being a man is not a role you are playing, it's who you are, your mother is a monster with 0 empathy. I'm sorry dude. Why are people so hateful, I don't even know what to call it, pure abuse and hate?

On one hand it's misogyny because they think that women in general are confused and incapable, it's misandry because their idea of manhood is fucked and it's transphobia because everyone rejects the fact that you were always a man.

It's disgusting. Also the depression is not a role you are playing either, it's the circumstances of a sick society that has lead you down this path, I'm sorry

 

[KlMeNw]

What is Transmasc?

 

[systemic_livestock]

The media is obsessed with trans women but no one ever fucking talks about how isolating it is to be transmasc and in the closet. It's the misogyny of people saying I'm crazy because apparently I'm biologically incapably of making my own decisions or that I'm a "confused lesbian". And on the other hand, it is coupled with the misandry that I only want to be a man because 'it's the winning team' or, in the words of other LGB "allies" that transmascs have it easy because of "male privilege." I don't want to be a boy. I don't want short hair. I don't want to wear "boy clothes." I AM a boy. I go out every day in drag and feel like a freak. I hate my fucking life. I've been thinking about how so many in people in my family have died to cancer, lupus, MS-what if I fucking drop dead from a brain bleed tomorrow? I don't want to be buried in a dress. I'm 22 and I've never even jerked off because I hate the shape of my body so much it's impossible to derive pleasure from it. I just want to die and rip my body apart. I'm so embarrassed of my self that I can't even befriend other boys because I'm too girly, and talking to girls feels impossible because there's 5,000 social rules I have to balance in my head.

My mother called me hideous and a "monster" the only time in my life where I cut my hair (when I was 20) and that fucking destroyed myself esteem. She tells me that queers should be killed and fucking shows me anti-LGBT content and rambles about how I'm being brainwashed by university (the university that is being ran by conservatives in a RED states). I feel like I've lost my entire life. I can't keep living like this. I remember when I started puberty earlier than everyone else and my first thought was "I need to kill myself" and tried to (or at least as much as a ten year old can try to kill themselves). I have a vague hope that one day things will turn out okay, that I will be depressed and a real man, but I think that's just another role I'm playing.

As a MTF, I wish you luck honestly not being on hrt it's literally a death sentence, as you get older and older you'll see yourself being even more feminine past a point of no return people are able to medically transition without soically transitioning and then latter on transitioning once they feel they look enough like their perceived gender. Hopefully you could pass enough to stealth or maby move to a different area, idk how realistic that for you. I'm sorry people around you, are so stupid, I can relate with people seeing you as a monster, my transition in highschool went pretty bad for the frist year and was soically kicked out of my male friend group, was harassed, assaulted and bullied untill i graduated I failed to convince my parents to let me on hormone blockers and hrt as my male puberty went on I felt like I was watching myself rot away becoming more and more masculine I become even more deeply depressed, i manged to make some friends but we don't really talk anymore after graduation expect for the occasion hangout once every few months or casual texts every once and a while and always did the bare minimum in school untill I barely pass hs, I got on hrt at 18 once I had medical independence but now I'm wondering if I'll ever pass or be a real women, likewise if I'll do well enough in community college to transfer out into a 4 year. I'm scared about what will happen if I fail at passing as a women or become the historian, or if i dont turn my lonely soical life around and end up a permanent loner, depending on how things go you'll see a goodbye message probably in 2 or 3 years. ether about recovery or my planned sucide. I wish you luck 22 isn't too late. I'm sorry, if you want I'd really like it if we could be online friends.

 

[Seneca65AD]

I'm just an old hetero white guy, but I get a lot of trans people in my Facebook feed. There is one thing that strikes me whenever I see the before and after transition pics; 1) regardless of the "before" pics, every "after" shot is a person who looks so much happier and just seems "complete".

Family members can be some of the cruelest people on the planet and I don't believe for one second they should get any special dispensation because of being a blood relation. Life is tough enough and if you have to choose between your authentic self versus being what others think you should be, then be true to yourself. It's not going to make it any easier, and in fact will probably be a tougher journey, but maybe, just maybe, one of your before and after transition pics will show up in my Facebook Feed, and if it does, I know for a fact that I will think, that person is happier now.

Illegitimi non carborundum - Don't let the bastards wear you down (mock latin)

 

[pharma]

That's just straight up abuse. Being also 22 and trans masc I understand completely. How possible is moving for you? Here in Mass transitioning is protected, more accepted, and completely covered by Masshealth. Obviously moving is a huge deal and not at all easy, I only moved back because I lost my job and house and had nothing to lose, and I also knew a few people. But between ending your life and going through a major life change like that, I think it's worth a shot if you're that desperate.

I'm moving soon but it's still in a red state so idk. I eventually wanna go to NY or Oregon

As a MTF, I wish you luck honestly not being on hrt it's literally a death sentence, as you get older and older you'll see yourself being even more feminine past a point of no return people are able to medically transition without soically transitioning and then latter on transitioning once they feel they look enough like their perceived gender. Hopefully you could pass enough to stealth or maby move to a different area, idk how realistic that for you. I'm sorry people around you, are so stupid, I can relate with people seeing you as a monster, my transition in highschool went pretty bad for the frist year and was soically kicked out of my male friend group, was harassed, assaulted and bullied untill i graduated I failed to convince my parents to let me on hormone blockers and hrt as my male puberty went on I felt like I was watching myself rot away becoming more and more masculine I become even more deeply depressed, i manged to make some friends but we don't really talk anymore after graduation expect for the occasion hangout once every few months or casual texts every once and a while and always did the bare minimum in school untill I barely pass hs, I got on hrt at 18 once I had medical independence but now I'm wondering if I'll ever pass or be a real women, likewise if I'll do well enough in community college to transfer out into a 4 year. I'm scared about what will happen if I fail at passing as a women or become the historian, or if i dont turn my lonely soical life around and end up a permanent loner, depending on how things go you'll see a goodbye message probably in 2 or 3 years. ether about recovery or my planned sucide. I wish you luck 22 isn't too late. I'm sorry, if you want I'd really like it if we could be online friends.

Thank you, I realize it's never too late to traction but I just feel like I missed my whole life and life is just too short yonow. You can pm me on here any time :3

 

[systemic_livestock]

I'm moving soon but it's still in a red state so idk. I eventually wanna go to NY or Oregon

Thank you, I realize it's never too late to traction but I just feel like I missed my whole life and life is just too short yonow. You can pm me on here any time :3

I did send a message through chat idk if I did it correctly

 

[shiny_quill]

I really hope you get to transition soon... Living a life can be so much harder than just dying, and it sucks any joy out of living

By "transition", I assume you meant medically, but every step counts; social transition is still a step. I've read in your replies that you'll be moving soon and I'm not sure whether it's with your family or on your own but, if it's the latter, it might make social transition easier and hopefully it can take some of the weight off. I know trans rights in the US are in shambles right now, and what little remains of them is constantly spit on but I have hope it will get better, and there are still states that seem to protect trans people somewhat

A few notes on medical transition for if/when you get there: one of the side effects of testosteron I practically never see discussed is that it can make you more dysphoric at first, but that goes away quickly enough, however what does not go away easily is the hunger which is more discussed, but also more common and you're basically guaranteed to go through, although for you it might or might not be short lived (if it's not, I find that chewing gum slightly helps, but it depends). Also, the moment you start to pass, you might feel a little more estranged from the community, since people are going to see you as a straight man, not a trans man (despite the fact that those statements are not mutually exclusive)... I really don't have advice on that, but I've also noticed it does seem to get slightly better recently so there's hope there also

TL;DR: It gets worse, but it also will get better eventually (in that regard at least). Best of luck on your journey, whatever it might have in store for you

P.S: Your mother is the only monster here, a mother's job is to love their child, unconditionally and not only does she fall short of that, she also falls short of being a decent human being and letting fellow humans beings live their lives in peace, which is absolutely despicable, and I hope you can get away from such a negative influence in your life