Venting ill take my cake and ill eat it, but ill throw it up later so give me a popcorn bowl

[princeseadove]

I have a friend back after a misunderstanding, and we are closer than ever. I am doing art bit by bit, writing not so much. I'll get a new job, with an NGO. I passed all my exams. But I am not writing. It feels odd. None of my friends understand, because all of them did me dirty or are friends with people who did. My chest feels so heavy, it is nearly 5 AM and it weighs on me. I had another heavy talk today, the other day I did, and I didn't get much sympathy or understanding. That one friend expects so much cruelty. It feels like I'm dragging a dead horse. I don't know why I even talk about my feelings when it's so evident it doesn't matter. It just spills out like vomit. I just want everything to stop.

I do not matter in the eyes of my friends. It's all online anyways, so of course it doesn't. I just want to drop dead. I won't think about how others might feel about my death. It doesn't matter.

People hurt me over and over, misunderstand, abandon me, things are tough I am so tough. My friend calls me loyal, and how I always do good things, and how I push myself so hard. I don't know when or if I can stop. Just taking a moment to prioritize myself hurts. It hurts like a bitch.

A close friend backstabbed me by becoming best friends with someone who she knows had realIy hurt me. In retrospect it doesn't matter, but with the continuous treatment of it all it does. It happens over and over. My friends are not loyal. I hate it so much. I hate it. I hate it. And I hate how I have to distance myself now. Why couldn't you have been a better friend???? Why????? Why??? Why????

I know either way, I have to die. So much in pain and for what? I focus on the little things because the big things hurt like hell. I can't do this. I can not. I can not. God save me, I just want people who love me. None of these people do, and I want to be deserving of it.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My old boss told me something that changed my life. "There have been so many times when I've wanted to be friends with someone and our brains were just not compatible." I think these people are not compatible with your brain, but believe me, there are people out there who are. It's up to you if you want to try to find them.

It still hurts, I know. And you still have to grieve. Only time can heal that pain. I wish you peace.