Venting I’ll feel this way forever

[sohopelessandempty]

Everything hurts, I just feel so sad most of the time and it'll never go away. I think something is deeply wrong with me, because everything in my life could change and I'd still want to die. Because it doesn't matter. I'm depressed because there's something wrong in my brain that I still haven't really figured out what or why, not because of my shitty life. My life just happens to be shitty. But correlation ≠ causation. I don't know. It's just hard accepting that unless I kill myself(which I can't be bothered to do for several reasons) I will feel this way for a long, long time. I don't know how to get rid of it without dying. Maybe it can't be done. The only time I ever felt true peace was when I was under anesthesia(for wisdom tooth removal). Sleep doesn't bring me peace. It's not the same. I can still feel and dream. I think the root of all my suffering is from being conscious, but unless I could just be under anesthesia all the time the only other thing that could bring me the same peace is death. Maybe I'll make a post about it, I wonder if other people also experience pain just from being conscious. I'm sure some of you do.

 

[ipmanwc0]

There isn't something wrong with your brain, I'm sure your life caused you to be miserable, if you don't think so you just aren't aware of it

 

[sohopelessandempty]

There isn't something wrong with your brain, I'm sure your life caused you to be miserable, if you don't think so you just aren't aware of it

But my life isn't that bad. And if I somehow magically got a whole new life overnight and everything I ever wanted, it wouldn't change a thing about how I feel. I'd rather have a painless death that doesn't affect anyone over any amount of money or anything else I could ever want in life, none of it compares to how badly I wish to stop existing.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I feel that way too but I recognize that my imagination is not perfectly reliable and I could definitely be happy if my physical and other problems went away. Do you have some mental conditions?

 

[yotaka]

You're certainly not alone. You're part of a long line of people who suffer under the weight of conscious existence.

Not sure how into reading you are, but I find it can bring, if not comfort, at least a sense of validation. I can give some recommendations if you're interested.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Everything hurts, I just feel so sad most of the time and it'll never go away. I think something is deeply wrong with me, because everything in my life could change and I'd still want to die. Because it doesn't matter. I'm depressed because there's something wrong in my brain that I still haven't really figured out what or why, not because of my shitty life. My life just happens to be shitty. But correlation ≠ causation. I don't know. It's just hard accepting that unless I kill myself(which I can't be bothered to do for several reasons) I will feel this way for a long, long time. I don't know how to get rid of it without dying. Maybe it can't be done. The only time I ever felt true peace was when I was under anesthesia(for wisdom tooth removal). Sleep doesn't bring me peace. It's not the same. I can still feel and dream. I think the root of all my suffering is from being conscious, but unless I could just be under anesthesia all the time the only other thing that could bring me the same peace is death. Maybe I'll make a post about it, I wonder if other people also experience pain just from being conscious. I'm sure some of you do.

I can relate to what you're feeling

 

[hurb]

There is a correlation tho. U feel this way because of ur genes disposition and the environment u were born in. Variables were simply not on ur side.
Idk if this will help but maybe instead of trying to "fix urself" try to detach from these feelings. Simply stop caring. It helps mentally but i have to say its sorta of a self sabotage because it limits ur interactions with the world

 

[liquid-crystal daze]

I think the anesthesia thing proves that what's wrong is your life. If you were to think of "life" as awareness of existence and your surroundings filtered through the unique perspective of the "self", then anesthesia was the "self" existing without external or internal influence or awareness of existence. Dreams might actually be the worse path in this regard--it's still awareness, but this time all the influences are internal, and the internal existence isn't a very pleasant place for somebody struggling as you are. Have you ever tried to simulate that moment? Finding peace again by completely blocking out any awareness of your surroundings and your existence? I'm not sure how one would go about this exactly, my first thought is a warm bath in the dark for physical sensation and music loud enough to drown out your surroundings. Offering this tiny suggestion in hopes that you forgive me for the pseudo-philosophical rant.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I just always find it so painful to be conscious in this terrible, torturous existence I just always saw as a mistake, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for death, for me non-existence is all that's positive, desirable and is all that can bring me peace.

I just wish to be permanently free from the torture and suffering of existing, to me existence is just always the most deeply undesirable, futile burden and I'd never wish for any of this, for me every second is torture to be conscious, I just want to erase this existence, all I want is to never suffer again.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I understand, I just always find it so painful to be conscious in this terrible, torturous existence I just always saw as a mistake, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for death, for me non-existence is all that's positive, desirable and is all that can bring me peace.

I just wish to be permanently free from the torture and suffering of existing, to me existence is just always the most deeply undesirable, futile burden and I'd never wish for any of this, for me every second is torture to be conscious, I just want to erase this existence, all I want is to never suffer again.

Yes that's how I feel, to be conscious is to be in pain. It hurts so much but we're trapped here in this suffering. I hope you find peace someday, I'm sorry for whatever made you feel like this.

I can relate to what you're feeling

I hope you feel better one day.

I feel that way too but I recognize that my imagination is not perfectly reliable and I could definitely be happy if my physical and other problems went away. Do you have some mental conditions?

I hope whatever physical ailments you have go away, or at least are managed better in the future. Science is always advancing after all. And yes, I am very mentally sick and I don't know how to get rid of it, or if I even can.

You're certainly not alone. You're part of a long line of people who suffer under the weight of conscious existence.

Not sure how into reading you are, but I find it can bring, if not comfort, at least a sense of validation. I can give some recommendations if you're interested.

I used to be really into reading but somewhat fell out of it over the years. I still read occasionally, and sure you can give recommendations.

There is a correlation tho. U feel this way because of ur genes disposition and the environment u were born in. Variables were simply not on ur side.
Idk if this will help but maybe instead of trying to "fix urself" try to detach from these feelings. Simply stop caring. It helps mentally but i have to say its sorta of a self sabotage because it limits ur interactions with the world

I'm aware it helps mentally but if I could choose to just detach I would. If I could choose not to care, I'd just choose not to be depressed at all but obviously I can't do that unfortunately. I have tried. Everything hurts.

I think the anesthesia thing proves that what's wrong is your life. If you were to think of "life" as awareness of existence and your surroundings filtered through the unique perspective of the "self", then anesthesia was the "self" existing without external or internal influence or awareness of existence. Dreams might actually be the worse path in this regard--it's still awareness, but this time all the influences are internal, and the internal existence isn't a very pleasant place for somebody struggling as you are. Have you ever tried to simulate that moment? Finding peace again by completely blocking out any awareness of your surroundings and your existence? I'm not sure how one would go about this exactly, my first thought is a warm bath in the dark for physical sensation and music loud enough to drown out your surroundings. Offering this tiny suggestion in hopes that you forgive me for the pseudo-philosophical rant.

I've tried but nothing could ever replicate the feeling of true unconsciousness like anesthesia, or death. Dreamless sleep is the closest thing, but I can't control that and also I heard we're supposed to have dreams sometimes because it means you're in REM sleep or something. But nothing I try will make the pain go away, because the pain is just from being conscious. It doesn't matter if my life is good or not. Simply being conscious is the most excruciating thing for me. Thank you for the suggestion though.

 

[yotaka]

I used to be really into reading but somewhat fell out of it over the years. I still read occasionally, and sure you can give recommendations.

If you're interested in essays, I recently read "The Last Messiah" by Peter Wessel Zapffe. I think it articulates the anxiety of conscious existence well. (Link – click "View PDF Full Text" at the bottom)

Are there any books or stories you've enjoyed in the past? I could try to base some reccomendations on that. By the way, is English your native language? (I ask because some books may be easier or harder to find in different langauages).