Venting I’ll be writing a visual novel in place of a suicide letter

[princeseadove]

To be honest, I really really did try. Maybe I'll regret this later on, but I think I really do need to die. I felt.. okay. I felt okay the past summer, but now with everything, I just feel really tired. With my BPD everything keeps on going up and down, up and down. But in reality, things have just been getting worse and keep on getting worse. No matter how much I try to help myself, it's never enough in the end.

It's ironic, very ironic that my last straw comes from a broken promise yet again. I knew it was going to be broken from the very very beginning, yet I still held on to hope. I do this all the time. But what really came was when a friend had ghosted me. That friend was the only one who really tried to understand me or even talk with me. But unfortunately I'm extremely irreplaceable. I feel like Circe, or Sayo Yasuda. I'm someone you can make dweet promises too, and I take them to heart while you already forgotten all about it. I'm always sad all the time with nothing going on, chronic depression with autism and BPD… just lethal.

In for my death, I want to write a visual novel. I have been thinking about it for a while, and I'm extremely free now that I am taking a gap year with just some minor things to attend too. This year I will die, but I at least want to create something beloved. I always loved writing and my art… I have never been able to do a big project due to my mental illnesses and work, but this time around… I want knowledge that this'll be my first and final project as sonething to be happy with. After this, I won't be in any pain anymore. It'll make for a good creepypasta I think. In lieu of a suicide letter, I'll create a story that embodies everything I loved and everything I looked forward too. Not a story of me though, my characters. Who cares if it's good or if it's revolutionary anymore, as long as I can have the thought I had done something with my supposed talents, it'll be enough. Whether it even grows big or not, will be my cat box. Both possibilities exist simultaneously, but I won't be there to see it open. For me, that box will stay shut forever and I want to keep it shut. And when I die, I hope to wake up to a better life filled with love and less knifes.

 

[amor.dor]

If you have nothing left to lose and you're going to die anyway, then write with all your soul. I think it might really be worth it — who knows what kind of epiphany you might have along the way? I think it's a good idea.

 

[princeseadove]

If you have nothing left to lose and you're going to die anyway, then write with all your soul. I think it might really be worth it — who knows what kind of epiphany you might have along the way? I think it's a good idea.

that's what I'm most excited about too. I'm not good with expressing myself verbally, but with writing and characters and all that stuff I really do enjoy and love. I have written dozens of suicide letters, but they don't capture /me/ as does my writing I think. I hope whatever epiphany I have will make for something really good

 

[amor.dor]

that's what I'm most excited about too. I'm not good with expressing myself verbally, but with writing and characters and all that stuff I really do enjoy and love. I have written dozens of suicide letters, but they don't capture /me/ as does my writing I think. I hope whatever epiphany I have will make for something really good

I believe that for good writing, you must write for yourself. Beyond being honest with your own ideas, being honest also means accepting that what you've written might be bad, but also knowing how to accept when it's good. But in any case, epiphanies only arise when you are quiet and focused on what you want to do. They come; you don't need to force them.

 

[lollipoppi]

This sounds like a fantastic idea, too bad it standa for a suicide letter. You really seem to have a good heart (I really felt the part about promises), I hope it won't bother you when I say I hope things changes for you so both you and the novel can stay.

 

[princeseadove]

This sounds like a fantastic idea, too bad it standa for a suicide letter. You really seem to have a good heart (I really felt the part about promises), I hope it won't bother you when I say I hope things changes for you so both you and the novel can stay.

Thank you, it's a very difficult decision but I can't go up from here unfortunately. My novel will be staying though… in a way, it'll be a true extension of myself, so it'll almost be like I never left!

I believe that for good writing, you must write for yourself. Beyond being honest with your own ideas, being honest also means accepting that what you've written might be bad, but also knowing how to accept when it's good. But in any case, epiphanies only arise when you are quiet and focused on what you want to do. They come; you don't need to force them.

Youre right.. alk this time I really focused on how people thought of my work. There was a time I didn't, there was a fime I completely trusted myself, and that was my best work. It's been two years now though, and after being so discouraged for so long it made me really weak hearted. I just can't waut, to be my pure and genuine self

 

[webb&flow]

writing can really help out a lot with the pain. it's very cathartic stating your own case in art, to me it almost feels like a lawyer vindicating our own case, the artist deciphering our own emotions into the raw power of catharsis and being able to breathe and see things clearer again.

I recall hearing the author of [the manga] Girls' Last Tour wrote it from a place of suicidation as well.

Youre right.. alk this time I really focused on how people thought of my work. There was a time I didn't, there was a fime I completely trusted myself, and that was my best work. It's been two years now though, and after being so discouraged for so long it made me really weak hearted. I just can't waut, to be my pure and genuine self

Yes! Do that! You have the right idea in mind! Go be your genuine self! Be entirely yourself! Go write this and write it for yourself first. This will be a form of taking back your own art: it feels powerful to make art for YOURself, to not have to audition for anybody else.

Whether it has been two years or ten years, you can always reach into yourself and express the part of yourself you know is true, that you really resonate with, regardless of what other people think.

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

[…]

Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

—Vincent, Don McLean

Complete this work, and give yourself to it fully. Pour your heart out and express everything in your life in the way that you most want to. I encourage you to explore this grand and intense device of catharsis that is the creation of art, before suicide, and I will love to hear how you feel after you start this work as well as how you feel after the accomplishment as well.

Art has a way of making even the ugliest pain into something meaningful as well. We will absolutely be curious about how you personally do, and as much in your own mind and life as the story and work of your art. The artist and art are born from each other; the appreciation between them flows easily.

But create for yourself, first. Express yourself: give yourself catharsis.

When negative emotions are turned into visceral, intimate art, it often can reduce the painful dissonance. And consuming and engaging with that art after making it, this can further create a sense of relief as well. It's like the emotional wavelengths of ourself collide with the emotional wavelengths of the art, and resonate, cancelling out the dissonance and strain, washing over us in pure pathos, allowing us to feel real, free: freed from lies, freed from acting.

Actual theatre actors get to express genuine emotions in their characters, expressing deep emotions that would otherwise be unaccepted to express otherwise.

The artist gets a similar relief.

For more information, feel free to peruse this Wikipedia article~

Catharsis - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I am personally absolutely taken by your proposition here. I write poetry as well. I am so so interested in this!! In your story, in your art, everything!! Once you get any news of even a little bit of progress (even if it's like "I worked on rough drafts for an hour today, I still don't have anything presentable yet"), I will LOVE to hear of it!! ^^ ♥♥. Please write to me a conversation message when such a news comes. You don't have to or anything, I just want to tell you that if you ever want someone to tell about it, that you have one very interested fellow artist right here!!

Best wishes princesseadove!! Your art matters. :).

Most sincerely,
Your Fellow Artist,
Webb :ɔ.

 

[princeseadove]

writing can really help out a lot with the pain. it's very cathartic stating your own case in art, to me it almost feels like a lawyer vindicating our own case, the artist deciphering our own emotions into the raw power of catharsis and being able to breathe and see things clearer again.

I recall hearing the author of [the manga] Girls' Last Tour wrote it from a place of suicidation as well.


Yes! Do that! You have the right idea in mind! Go be your genuine self! Be entirely yourself! Go write this and write it for yourself first. This will be a form of taking back your own art: it feels powerful to make art for YOURself, to not have to audition for anybody else.

Whether it has been two years or ten years, you can always reach into yourself and express the part of yourself you know is true, that you really resonate with, regardless of what other people think.



Complete this work, and give yourself to it fully. Pour your heart out and express everything in your life in the way that you most want to. I encourage you to explore this grand and intense device of catharsis that is the creation of art, before suicide, and I will love to hear how you feel after you start this work as well as how you feel after the accomplishment as well.

Art has a way of making even the ugliest pain into something meaningful as well. We will absolutely be curious about how you personally do, and as much in your own mind and life as the story and work of your art. The artist and art are born from each other; the appreciation between them flows easily.

But create for yourself, first. Express yourself: give yourself catharsis.

When negative emotions are turned into visceral, intimate art, it often can reduce the painful dissonance. And consuming and engaging with that art after making it, this can further create a sense of relief as well. It's like the emotional wavelengths of ourself collide with the emotional wavelengths of the art, and resonate, cancelling out the dissonance and strain, washing over us in pure pathos, allowing us to feel real, free: freed from lies, freed from acting.

Actual theatre actors get to express genuine emotions in their characters, expressing deep emotions that would otherwise be unaccepted to express otherwise.

The artist gets a similar relief.

For more information, feel free to peruse this Wikipedia article~

Catharsis - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I am personally absolutely taken by your proposition here. I write poetry as well. I am so so interested in this!! In your story, in your art, everything!! Once you get any news of even a little bit of progress (even if it's like "I worked on rough drafts for an hour today, I still don't have anything presentable yet"), I will LOVE to hear of it!! ^^ ♥♥. Please write to me a conversation message when such a news comes. You don't have to or anything, I just want to tell you that if you ever want someone to tell about it, that you have one very interested fellow artist right here!!

Best wishes princesseadove!! Your art matters. :).

Most sincerely,
Your Fellow Artist,
Webb :ɔ

This is the most lovely comment I have ever received in so long. Thank you thank you thank you. It's been so difficult managing my story and the pervasive thoights on how others feel about it affecting me. I have been very lonely these days, but I'm so glad someone really cares— or rather, understands how much aet means to somebody. I have a few solid ideas on what I want to write on, though I want to expand on it more and taking your idea on past experiences and pieces of mine really inspired me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.