Venting If I am the source of all my problems...

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I am the problem. I didn't always believe this. I've been sad for a long time, and my memory is terrible, but I can still remember when I realized why I'm sad. When I started to put two and two together and I figured that there wasn't anything wrong with my life except for me. Everything else has been perfect, I've actually been obscenely lucky. In a way it's impressive how badly I've sunk this unsinkable ship. I'm my own iceberg.

But If I am the source of all my problems, well, then that does point to a rather elegant solution. If I remove the me from the equation, then there are no more problems. It's not even running away, not even hiding; it's directly eliminating the source of all the evil in my life. It's winning. I slay the dragon, I kill the monster, I get vengeance on the demon who ruined my life, who ruined so many other people's lives, who wasted so much time.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of being weak. Killing myself is a proactive action. Its a solution. I have a plan, but I don't have what I need for it just yet. Soon though. Soon I'll finally win.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That also seems logical to me. I suppose the issue is the pro- lifers will insist we can change. I'm not sure myself how feasible that is. Do we even want to change?

I don't know really. I maybe have a more pessimistic view of the world. Surely, the world has in some part formed who we are to begin with so- is it really all your fault?

Even if things were as you suggest- great for you- maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe you weren't given enough challenge in life. Maybe you didn't get to sense the value of things if they were all too freely available and easy to get. That's not to blame others necessarily but, our personalities come from somewhere.

Also, I wonder how great this world really is. I think a lot of the time, there are problems on both sides. Problems with us and our ability to cope but- problems in the world too. It isn't easy for many. There's a lot of inequality out there. How much power do we even have? We're at the mercy of much bigger things a lot of the time.

 

[NutOrat]

You're directing all your ire to yourself, when really, most of the things are not your fault, not at their root. Life is at fault for everything, you didn't ask to be born, nobody did. Life made us the way we are, made us follow its horrible fundamental rules. Try as we might, we're unable to fully escape its clutches except using the most drastic measure of ending it all. All your decisions weren't taken in completely clear-headed, isolated conditions, they are the result of so many factors that all ultimately lead back to nature itself.

I know how right it feels to hate yourself, to blame yourself for everything, I still do it despite knowing all of this. But think: who planted these thoughts in your head? Who told you that it's YOU who's the problem? It wasn't you, you didn't arrive here on your own, it's outside influences, who didn't want to accept the truth of this world, that ALL OF THIS is one big mistake of the universe. That we are all victims of it, and willing or unwilling perpetrators.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of being weak. Killing myself is a proactive action. Its a solution. I have a plan, but I don't have what I need for it just yet. Soon though. Soon I'll finally win.

The solution I came to, ultimately, is the same as yours. The only way for me to fully deny perpetrating this horrible existence is to cease. Half measures will lead me nowhere. BUT, I refuse to blame myself for feeling this way, for getting where I am now. I defy that notion, and you should too. Peace be with you.

 

[Kadaver]

I feel exactly the same. I feel like my life is hell because I've fucked up every chance for it not to be. I've ruined every opportunity and driven away every friend. All I have left is a family that begrudgingly takes care of me out of some sense of responsibility. I hate it. I don't want to watch myself slowly slide deeper and deeper into this hole. There's no getting out all that I can do is give up and stop being a burden to those around me. I can't stand on my own and I'm so tired of being this way. I just want this to be over. I don't know when exactly I became the problem but I'm here now and it feels like there's only one way out; to free my family and myself. I just need to stop being a coward and do it already

 

[TheHolySword]

I am the solution to my self inflected problems. Ironic isn't it.

 

[TAW122]

Yeah, I've shared similar introspective sentiments as well, I see sentience itself as the problem and all the issues being present as long as I'm alive. I too, work towards finding a means to an end and being able to check out on my own terms.

 

[Riven]

I feel very similar. Ive gotten so lucky in my life yet i still manage to fuck shit up and cause problems. I also relate to the memory problems, mine is absolute shit. Ive just found that i completely forgot that i had an extra 3 years of SH and mental illness.

 

[kajal]

Always think in a positive way everything has a purpose

 

[simji_is_offline]

Just by Radiohead gets stuck in my head so often. "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts is that you do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else."

I'm the only one making me miserable and I'm the only one who can fix it but I just can't keep trying.

 

[Hollowman]

Always think in a positive way everything has a purpose

What's the purpose of religious leaders abusing/raping children?

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

That also seems logical to me. I suppose the issue is the pro- lifers will insist we can change. I'm not sure myself how feasible that is. Do we even want to change?

I don't know really. I maybe have a more pessimistic view of the world. Surely, the world has in some part formed who we are to begin with so- is it really all your fault?

Even if things were as you suggest- great for you- maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe you weren't given enough challenge in life. Maybe you didn't get to sense the value of things if they were all too freely available and easy to get. That's not to blame others necessarily but, our personalities come from somewhere.

Also, I wonder how great this world really is. I think a lot of the time, there are problems on both sides. Problems with us and our ability to cope but- problems in the world too. It isn't easy for many. There's a lot of inequality out there. How much power do we even have? We're at the mercy of much bigger things a lot of the time.

I've thought about that before. The idea that my good upbringing is to blame for my weakness. But that excuse just seems too pathetic to accept. I agree our personalities come from somewhere, but it's like, if I grew up in an environment plenty of people would kill for, then it's hard to imagine anyone being at fault for my current abysmal character except me.

As for pessimism about the world, I mean sometimes I agree. I think life can seem kinda fleeting and meaningless, and suffering seems so much more natural than joy. But there are happy people, I see them. I've been happy before myself. I feel like the thing wrong with my life really is me. I've wanted to change for so long, but I've only ever stayed the same.

Thank you for your comment though. You gave me a lot to think about.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Always think in a positive way everything has a purpose

why do i have to live even a second longer? I don't have to

what is the purpose of suffering unending constant unbearable pain every second for years?

nothing has a purpose or meaning to me

life is meaningless suffering and extreme torture