Venting identity diffusion & general misery

[true-ending]

borderline is making my already miserable life hell. identity diffusion is like the worst symptom if you ask me because i dont even know who i am. i dont know when im sad or when im just lying to be manipulative, i don't know when i actually love someone and when im just saying i care to keep them around me. i'm so tired of being a 'person' because i really think in another life i was probably born to be an animal or something. i have no expectations or goals in my life, i just live day to day to day and wait until i get the chance to kill myself. i'm so lonely. i want to quit writing, my only hobby, and just... rot. for the rest of my life. i'm taking my medications. i don't know why i keep feeling worse and worse and worse.

sometimes i wonder what i did wrong in a past life to suffer like this. every day i wake up and i have flashbacks to when i had to watch my own mothers suicide attempt, and every day i remember that i cant escape those memories for as long as i live. the part that hurts most is that i know when i kill myself the act will force me to remember. i won't even get to die peacefully. i'll die tormented by memories that nobody can rid me of. im going to die shaking in fear unable to look at my hands* and i'm going to deserve it.

(* weird thing i get when im having flashbacks -- i don't know if anyone else experiences this, but i become almost unable to look at my hands without panicking worse because it suddenly makes me feel small and weak and like i can't protect myself...?)