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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
3,219
Along with everything else happening, I've now fallen back into relapse with my eating disorder. I'd been progressively making progress with it since coming into the hospital in October and by January the behaviors were 100% under control and the thoughts were beginning to become more manageable. Long story short, I ended up in the medical hospital for a brief stay recently before coming back to residential. The bag the staff packed for me to have clothes to wear back was a pair of jeans I have intentionally avoided wearing since I got here. I got them at my lowest weight and while I know I've gained, I don't know how much. I haven't been able to see my weight here and my body dysmorphia is too bad to be able to tell based on looks alone. I generally only wear leggings and sweatpants and loose shirts so I don't have to confront it. When I got dressed, the jeans hardly fit up my legs. I got them on but they were so tight that I had to leave the zipper completely undone, much less even attempting to button them.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. The only things I've eaten since that day are dark chocolate squares and one apple with peanut butter for each meal. I've completely relapsed again. It's such a set back and I can't shake it.

I'm so ready to die. This isn't the life I want for myself.
 
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Reactions: imsotired35, 50decadesleft, Tombs_in_your_eyes and 9 others
CravingPeace

CravingPeace

It’s only a matter of time
Feb 19, 2025
337
I'm so sorry friend. It hurts so badly to lose the progress that you made. I can relate in a different fashion. You are not alone, these aren't the lives we wanted.
 
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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
3,219
I've now fallen down a thinspo rabbit hole. Fuck it, why not trigger myself while I'm at it.
 
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sevennn

sevennn

Wizard
Sep 11, 2024
664
throw those jeans away. and try to get help again
 
milkteacrown

milkteacrown

suicidal angel
Feb 16, 2025
128
I sympathize with you. I just got out of a psychiatric facility and realized that I gained 6 pounds while staying there, which has made me relapse as well. I wish there was an easier answer or piece of advice I could give to you, but we're in the same boat.
 
willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
3,219
I wanna go back to how I looked in my body checks at my lowest. I don't fucking care that I was miserable.
I have pictures of me in those same jeans where they're loose and now I can't even zip them up a little. What the fuck.
 
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Reactions: APeacefulPlace and rozeske

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